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Jelly Juice

It was in this moment, I realised exactly what had to be done.

By Writing Out LoudPublished 4 years ago 9 min read
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It had been months of just busy. Work was busy, home life was busy. I wasn't getting much sleep. I hadn't had the time to catch up with friends, or go for meals and drinks. I hadn't seen a movie at the cinema for as long as I could remember. I hadn't even attempted to shop, unless it was food shopping; and even that lately was done online.

As I browsed through the 'offers' on the Sainburys website I came across Pinacolada jelly. Now, if you know me well enough then you know that this is my favourite cocktail and I absolutely love all things coconutty!

I had seemed to have developed this habit, of late night munchies, and I wanted to stop eating every bad thing in sight. From biscuits and crisps to ice cream; between the hours of 10pm and morning, all junk food was was for the taking. So, I was on the hunt for healthier snacks.

In to the basket went 5 pinacolada jellies. I know it is extremely sad, but I was very excited to try these bad boys.

Two days later, my shopping arrived and I had all but forgotten about my amazing choice of jelly, which was a pleasant surprise. Tonight, I would try them out and I hoped not to be disappointed.

It was midnight, and I was craving a snack. On went the refrigerator light as I stuck my head inside to find something to munch on. Oh, the jellies.

I got into bed, pulled the duvet over me and turned the TV on to find something to watch. I decided on Friends and reached for my jelly. As I opened the jelly, a bit too eagerly; the jelly juice poured out all over me and my duvet.

It was at this precise moment I began to cry. Like really cry. Out loud.

I'm not a crier. Sad movies do not make me cry, sad situations don't either. But in this moment I cried more than I had ever cried before.

It was in this moment, I realised exactly what had to be done!

I had been working from dusk til dawn. I had been dealing with a toxic work environment. Toxic colleagues. A selfish boss who could not recognised I was drowning, even though I had explained this many times. I had been taking care of my family members who were unwell. I had been taking care of my children. I had been trying to be there for my friends.

I had forgotten myself, Completely. Anytime I was at home, I was in my bed; not the living room but straight in to bed. I loved to read but I couldn't tell you the last time I picked one up. I loved to write, nonsense most of the time but that didn't matter as it was my nonsense, and I hadn't so much as opened a word document in an attempt to write in probably a year.

Every Sunday was kitchen dancing day. I do not recall the last Sunday me and my children had done so. We had not been out for a meal in months. My skin was bad, like teenage 'pizza face' bad. My hair hadn't had any TLC. My hygiene had slipped. My mind was constantly on overdrive and I just couldn't switch it off. I wasn't eating proper meals. I avoided people as much as I could. Ok, that last one is pretty normal for me, but I hope I'm building you an accurate picture.

In that one moment, as the jelly juice poured everywhere, I finally realised how bad things really were, both mentally and physically. I was depressed.

I had suffered from depression since I was a child. I knew the signs, but this time I had missed it. I had missed it because I was over stretched. I had been trying to to do so many things well at one time, I did not have a millisecond to feel.

I was completely exhausted, I was falling apart and if something did not give; I was afraid I was going to have a complete mental breakdown. I had been down this road before. I, of course, had never spoken of this to anyone as I was good at kicking my own ass and pulling myself out of these low spells. But, I should have been vigilant. I should have known better. This is a life long illness, not a one time thing.

And so, in that moment I decided to list everything down in order of importance. I then wrote out how each of things affected me in my life. It was at this point I came to the conclusion that work was putting the most strain on me. It was the weight pinning me to the ground.

I worked in a job I loved, but in a very unhealthy environment. Everything was a competition. This was never something that was important to me. I never wanted to be better than my peers, I simply wanted to do the best I could.

I realised that in the last few years there had been no occasion where I had been away from the office, sick or on vacation, where the office had not contacted me. I had also been working from 5am until 12am on far too many occasions; it was actually becoming the norm.

My boss, who I truly believe to be a wonderful person, seemed to have developed some sort of paranoia and thought every body was undermining them, stealing their work or just out to get them. I was hearing about this every single day when they insisted on having a private meeting with me to vent.

The more I thought about this, the more signs came to mind which, of course, I had ignored up until now. Like how Sundays had become the most dreaded day of the week. Almost to the point where I felt physically unwell. How had I not noticed this before now?

No major decision was ever made without consulting my best friend. I was a single parent and she was my only ally. The only person truly on my side.

She listened to everything that I had discovered, how I felt and what I believed the outcome would be should I continue on this path.

As our conversation unfolded, we both knew the only available option here. I had to resign.

Of course, we discussed finances. As a single parent household I was the only source of income, therefore this was of major importance. I had it covered. I was money smart and had a pot of savings. But I was still unsure of the next step.

I had never, in my 30 years of employment, resigned from a job without having another lined up. It just was not an option. EVER!

My friend thought writing out a letter of resignation would be the deciding factor. And so we agreed, I would write the letter and see how I felt.

I sat at my laptop, fingers hovering above the keys, unsure of what to write.

First attempt went a little like - 'Hi, I quit. Thank you for everything'. Apparently, this is not acceptable. So, my fingers continued to hover, for what seemed a week until finally, a letter was written.

Wow! I had written a letter of resignation. How did I feel? I felt like I had been holding my breathe underwater for far to long and my head had just bobbed out to catch a breath.

I closed my laptop and attempted to 'sleep on it'. Sleep, I did not.

Morning came around eventually, after what felt like one million hours. And as I sat up in bed I realised - I HAD to resign. And before I could change my mind, I attached it to an email, typed out some pleasantries and hit sent. Done. I could breathe, freely. Inhale, exhale. It was easier than I recalled of late.

Me being me of course, ensured that as much as possible was downloaded from my brain and accessible for my colleagues. As much as I was struggling and although no one noticed or, cared (just how I felt at that time!), I did not want anyone to struggle due to my absence. All done.

Due to the mental state I was in I decided I did not want any of my colleagues, peers or team to know about my departure. I just wanted to end the day as normal and leave the office. And that is exactly what I did.

The weeks that followed were initially very hard. My mind was still going haywire. Thoughts too quick for me to process, and just never ending. I still had a lot on my plate, and I had to slowly step away from some of these things because if I continued down this road, I would be of no use to anyone; and I was all my children had. But, it was slowly starting to get better.

Do not get it twisted, I am nowhere near my normal self and I completely accept that it will be a long, long road but, I am so ready.

I have just written this piece, which for me at this point is a huge achievement. I am now out of my home more than I am in. I feel more positive, I am making plans for tomorrow and the next day.

My food intake is what I will be focusing on next, one thing at a time. But I have so much hope and faith, and that has always got me through the worst times.

I want you all to remember this. I have always been the person with a smile and a helping hand, to anyone that needs it. Even during this period of time, I never stopped smiling and helping. Please check in on your smiling friends, the friends that look like they have it all.

If you are feeling how I had been feeling, talk to your friends or family. If you'd rather not burden them please contact the Samaritans (116 123) or Mind (0300 123 3393) who will listen and also provide assistance.

self help
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