It’s Time to Find out Why Happiness Seems so Elusive for Most of Us

“A quiet secluded life in the country, with the possibility of being useful to people to whom it is easy to do good, and who are not accustomed to have it done to them; then work which one hopes may be of some use; then rest, nature, books, music, love for one’s neighbor — such is my idea of happiness.” — Leo Tolstoy

What is happiness?

We’re often so busy trying to find it that we sometimes forget what happiness is really all about. Is it about having our needs met and not worrying about the future? Is it about finding the kind of work we’re passionate about? Is it meeting the right people who can finally understand us and never leave our side?

However we may define it subconsciously, maybe we can all agree that happiness rarely becomes a permanent thing in our lives. If it were, why would we be constantly searching for it?

The times you thought you’d be happy

We search for happiness in a variety of things. We search for it from the very day we can think of something we desire. As we grew up, we thought about how happiness resides in various other things we wanted to have: passing our final examination, being admired by our peers, getting the attention of that special person we like.

Isn’t it funny, however, how happiness still seemed so far away no matter how much of our dreams we achieve? We finally graduate from school, but we’re still unhappy because we’re worried about being hired. We finally get hired but we’re still unhappy because we worry about getting promoted. We finally get promoted but we’re still unhappy because we worry about the responsibilities attached to our new position.

When are we ever going to be happy?

The times you were actually happy

If we’re honest with ourselves, maybe we can find enough memories to tell us that somewhere along the way, we’ve also felt happy. We’ve been there, but we rarely remember. We’ve tasted it, but we simply let it go.

We let those moments go because we failed to see happiness for what it was. It wasn’t the kind of happiness we expected it to be. It wasn’t the kind of feeling the world has taught us. But it was something that filled our hearts with joy, and for quite a few moments, happiness was ours.

Why is happiness so elusive?

Here are some of the way by which happiness has often eluded us:

1. Because we keep on looking in the wrong direction

It’s not that happiness is so far away from us. It’s just that we often look at the wrong things when we’re searching for happiness. Many times also, we keep on looking far too long at the things that could never really make us happy.

“When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us.” — Helen Keller

2. Because we don’t know what true happiness is

We keep on looking at the wrong things because we don’t know what true happiness is.

• We mistake pleasure for happiness
• We mistake fun for happiness
• We mistake momentary thrill for happiness
• We mistake popularity for happiness
• We mistake a luxurious life for happiness

Many times, happiness resides in the simplest of things. Things like visiting old friends, having an early morning walk by the beach, helping an old folk read her letter, praying in silence with a peaceful heart.

“A table, a chair, a bowl of fruit and a violin; what else does a man need to be happy?” — Albert Einstein

3. Because we’re always looking into a distant objective

If we’re always looking so far ahead, how could we see the things that are right in front of us? If we’re always anticipating a big event or a milestone in the far future, how could we appreciate the simple joys that are upon our hands today?

“The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance, the wise grows it under his feet.” — James Oppenheim

4. Because we compare our idea of happiness with the idea of other people

“Enjoy your own life without comparing it with that of another.” — Marquis de Condorcet

We can never be happy if we keep on comparing our lives with that of another. If we always focus on what others have, how could we even see what we possess?

We can never truly know if the people we envy are really happy. We don’t know their day to day lives. We don’t know their past. We don’t know their pain. Even if they possess all the things we wanted to have, they may not be as happy as we think they are.

Further, acquiring the life we think they have could never give us an assurance that we’d be happy later on. Our happiness depends upon our own unique desires. If we want to be happy, we need to listen to that voice within us. We need to know our heart’s true desires.

5. Because we’re so afraid of the silence in between

Why are we so afraid of the silence in between times of laughter? Should we not be thankful for those days that prepare us for greater joy?

Happiness is not a state of permanent exhilaration, at least, not in this life. In between our days of joy, there are days of silence that we need to bear. Sometimes, there are even days of sorrow.

But sorrow is like rain that helps quench also the thirst of our soul. We need both the rain and the sun. And we must accept both happiness and grief, trusting that even grief will never last.

“The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter’s oven? And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives? When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.” — Kahlil Gibran

6. Because we’re so afraid to give it all away

We can’t hoard happiness to save it for a rainy day. True happiness must be shared so that it can be multiplied. When you’re happy, don’t be afraid to give it all away. Share your laughter and your smile. Make others happy. And in their happiness, you’d find that your happiness has been made even deeper and wider. Your happiness lives on in the hearts of those you have touched with your love.

“Since you get more joy out of giving joy to others, you should put a good deal of thought into the happiness that you are able to give.” — Eleanor Roosevelt

7. Because we pursue it instead of surrendering to it

They say that happiness is like a butterfly. The more you pursue it, the more it flies away. But be still enough and let it come to you. Do not be afraid. Don’t try to hold on to it. Let it be the one to go to you.

“The moments of happiness we enjoy take us by surprise. It is not that we seize them, but that they seize us.” — Ashley Montagu

Final thoughts

Happiness has become so elusive for most of us because we never realized how much we’ve been chasing it away. We look for it in the wrong things and in the wrong people. We look so far ahead and we fail to see it as it comes right in front of us. If it does come, we become so fearful that we try to keep it for ourselves, not having enough trust that if we give it all away, it will certainly come back for us, and our happiness then becomes a hundredfold.

The secret to happiness is to not get so caught up in ourselves — in the way we look, in our possessions, in the things we fail to have. The secret to happiness is to be open enough as it comes, to have a heart that is willing to see the best in others, to serve where we can, to find meaning in everything that we do.

Forget your worries for a while. Look. See the beauty around you. Many times, it is when we forget ourselves that we do gain the happiness we’ve been searching all along.

“Happiness is like manna; it is to be gathered in grains, and enjoyed every day. It will not keep; it cannot be accumulated; nor have we got to go out of ourselves or into remote places to gather it, since it has rained down from Heaven, at our very door.” — Tryon Edwards