It’s Not My Business Anymore

“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.” When I first read this quote by Irish playwright Oscar Wilde, only one thing came to mind. For as long as I can remember, I’ve always been concerned with what others thought about me. When I look back at much of my early life, as well as my first few years of young adulthood, I’ve found that I’ve hidden many things about myself. However, the two of the biggest things I’ve hidden about myself are that I’m a performer and my autism. Even though these things make me unique and have expanded my social circle a bit, the fact that some people knew these things about me led to me being bullied. As a result, I found myself keeping my guard up and hiding these things from the world to avoid even the possibility of being teased. Looking back, I truly regret the fact that I did that because I ended up missing out on the opportunities to make more friends and try new things. In fact, the one thing I wish I could say to those who bullied me and made me feel inferior is, “What you think of me is none of my business anymore.”

It’s not my business that you think my being a performer is gay or not normal. Just because I dance a different style than you’re familiar with and have the courage to do what I love doesn’t mean that I don’t matter. In fact, it’s thanks to performers like me that you are able to enjoy various types of music. It’s thanks to performers like me that you have music videos and live performances. Without us, you would very likely feel incomplete as a person. Aside from performers like me helping you live your day-to-day life, we also help each other. As a result of me being a performer and wanting to learn and try new things, I found the courage to apply to Cal State Fullerton, my dream school from the time I was 13. I also learned valuable life skills, such as time management, patience, and working with people I don’t know. In fact, had I abandoned my life as a performer, I never would’ve even met my best friend of nine years. Being a performer has also provided me the best emotional outlet I can think of. Through the power of singing or dancing, I can let out my negative emotions and let myself feel whatever I need to so that I don’t belittle or diminish the value of others like me.

It’s also none of my business if you think I’m a freak or weird. In fact, I don’t know if you actually knew this, but I actually have a form of autism. For pretty much all the years I’ve known you, all you’ve seen is the fact that I’m alone pretty much all the time. What you don’t actually know is that, because of my autism, it’s difficult to find people who like the same things that I do. It’s also difficult to find people who actually understand me and won’t get frustrated with me. I will admit that it does get a bit lonely, but that doesn’t mean I’m completely antisocial. It just means that finding friends is a bit more difficult than it would be for you. Due to my autism, I just think about and process things a bit differently. I also get to enjoy the things that truly make me happy and content instead of pretending to like something I don’t just to pacify others. While it may seem like I enjoy things a little too intensely or enjoy things that you may just brush off or not care about, I’m glad I like the things I do because it means that there’s just a little more individuality in the world. I’ve come to learn that, without that individuality, the world would seem a bit more bland and ordinary. With that knowledge, I’m glad that my autism can bring a bit more color to the world.

When I look back at my life, caring about what you thought of me shouldn’t have held me back or worried me. At the end of the day, what you think of me is not my business and it won’t be the reason I can’t sleep at night. The truth is, even though there have been some ups and downs in my own life, I am, and always will be, very proud of what I’ve done and where I am and have been. I may not have a large horde of friends or be super-famous, but, in hindsight, I’ve accomplished a lot in my first 21 years of life. While I should be mad at the fact that you bullied me and made me feel bad, it is thanks to you that I am where I am right now. Without you, I never would’ve applied to my dream school or pushed myself to try new things and put myself out there. Instead, I would’ve given up because you made me feel worthless and insignificant. However, I used how you treated me and the names you called me as reasons to keep going and persevere and to also protect others from people like you. At 21, I now finally have the confidence to say that what you think of me is no longer my business.