It Controls How & Who I Love

Tonight I am in a state of consciousness that I have never entered into concerning any depth of my own emotions in my life. Tonight, unsurprisingly, here I am allowing my demons to play music with my heartstrings loud enough to numb the ache, but for once my eyes have been opened and I have discovered something new about myself that I felt the need to share. I write a lot about mentality because I am no expert in my dome, but nobody knows my dome like I do.

Forgive me if this passage is scrambled, I’m going strictly based off of wherever my mind wants to take me this time. "Go with the flow" with me.

In a short passage, I’d like to talk about love. Let’s keep it casual, this doesn’t have to be the most proper form of writing, we are here together one way or another just being human, you and I.

I want to shoot things off with you with a very simple question. What is love to you? Oh yeah, I’m going there and I’m not talking about the banger of a song. I believe that I have felt love before, and I’m sure most of us can agree that we have tasted the bittersweet tendencies that love produces in some kind of way. Think back on a time where love made you feel good. I’ll begin to think about the times I would be in my room and my mother would come in just to give me a hug without reason. My mother wasn’t much of a hugger, so to me this was special. When I think of the purest form of love, I picture my mother. When I think of someone I have a large capacity of emotions for, there’s a love there that allows me to feel like the ground beneath me was handcrafted just so I could meet their path. This is the gentlest form of love I feel in my heart, but the award for the truest form of love will always go to myself.

If you have read any of my other pieces of writing, you would look back on this and ask me, “Well if you truly love yourself, then why would you beat yourself up so harshly and allow your mentality to take over your sanctuary?” I have fumbled around with this question lots of times, going over each voice in my head that tell me of the cracks and crevices, because not only is loving myself the truest form of love, but also the most fragile.

I can now answer you that question because the answer is that of course I loved myself. I love myself enough to get back up each time I got shot down. The only difference is that back then instead of neutering my wounded body, I would leave the gashes open to collect more negativity to extend the cuts and that was all for a lack of respect for the fragility. Love and respect are two different things. I want you to think about those things. Think about in what ways you love yourself, and in what ways you can join respect and love for not only your outer shell, but your inner apparitions. Be careful with yourself.

I am so deserving of love.

You are so deserving of love.

Let’s talk a bit about the way we love people in romantic situations. Personally, I love people really hard. I think that our relationships with significant others shape the way we handle love and the outcome of that is very different for so many people. I can tell you that I’ve had some great learning experiences from other people. I have been chopped up into tiny, tiny little pieces for silly things like for what job I work for, depending on how a person's readiness changes, cheating, gigantic walls, whatever. After one disappointment after another, I found myself wondering what was wrong with me. Why I am unable to have love when I give so much love. I wasted so much time wondering why other people didn’t love me that I forgot the person who means the most, and that’s me.

Nobody can love you harder than you can love yourself.

Everyone deserves love romantically, but you only attract what insecurities you put out. Do you ever notice when you’re having a bad day and you just hate yourself and the world around you and it seems that things just keep getting worse and worse? That’s because you are attracting negativity by putting it out into the universe. Instead of taking time to yourself and working out the kinks, you choose to remain bitter and find more reasons to feed the cloud above your head (and that is entirely in your control). The same thing happens when you’re wanting someone to be with.

For example, I had sat down with myself failure after failure and feeling like there was no use. I realized I was tired of what I was receiving and decided that I wanted to set boundaries to better protect myself and my emotions. I was sketching out what kinds of people I was investing my emotions in and in doing so, I learned that 90% of these guys had a fear of commitment. Ooh, we’ve heard it all before haven’t we, ladies? Gentlemen? Especially at my obviously ripe old age of nearly 19, most people my proper age range don’t know what the want or how they want it yet. Like come on, do you like your eggs over easy, scrambled, boiled, or are you vegan who knows just figure it out. (A joke of course. I realize it’s not as easy for some people as it is for me.)

When I was noticing this pattern of very emotionally unstable guys I began to wonder… “What in myself am I not valuing enough to be attracting boys like this?” And that’s when I began to see how I treat myself. I too must be emotionally unstable, and I realized I wasn’t loving myself as much as I thought I was. I was attracting people who reflected the image of how I felt deep inside, so am I not actually ready?

At the moment, I am quite invested in a person who isn’t ready for anything serious. A guy who knows when he dates someone next he wants it to be very serious. A guy who is creating space, but is still invested in me. Okay homie, what do I do?

Well, there is nothing wrong at all with what he wants, but since there is a space, I need to take my focus off of waiting and start looking towards me. There are things you just don’t have control over, and I love the phrase, “if it is meant to be, it will be.” It’s annoying huh? “Oh my God, why do you keep rebounding back to yourself as the solution to all of your problems, that’s annoyingly repetitive.” Well yeah. Repetition makes for perfection, and at the end of the day, when you’re all alone in your mind all you have is yourself and your thought. With any quiet moment you get, if you listen hard enough, you’ll hear a little voice in your head that won't stop. That’s part of you, dude. Learn it, love it.

Once I began to understand myself more and began not only saying affirmations to myself like, “I am deserving of love,” but BELIEVING that I am capable of those things, I began to attract good people who are ready-minded. Not even in a relationship status (because that’s not my greatest concern, but I even began finding these people who could benefit my mentality. I used to attract people who would either make me feel worse or who would continue that already toxic mindset, and now I attract people who want to build on my new foundation and people to want to invest inside it and not tear that new refreshing part of me down that I have worked so hard to find.

You can learn how to do these things. It’s your life, you deserve to feel your most comfort in the skin you were cloaked in. Treat yourself better. One thing I would honestly suggest is that you create affirmations that will reflect what mental desire you wish to improve upon. Write down the things you want to be and say that you are. If you want to work on being more confident, look at yourself and say you are the most confident. If you want to be the hardest worker, tell yourself you work the hardest and go out there and knock em dead.

Also, know that it’s okay to not feel like you’re all that you say sometimes. It will take you some time to start believing it. The more you say something though, the more the sound of it doesn’t seem so far fetched and eventually you will be.

You CAN and you WILL.

You are DESERVING of LOVE.

Nobody loves you harder than you.

Believe in yourself. Know that you come first because this is your life, nobody else’s.