It always rains before the rainbow

Do you ever wake up in the morning believing the people and things that surround you everyday are better off without you? I know I have. And I know I’m not the only one. Every day more and more people die by suicide, but why? I know for me it was because I felt alone during the times I needed someone the most, whether that be after a traumatic event or just on days I felt unworthy for life. No matter what had been going on at that time in my life or what wasn’t going on, I needed someone there to remind me that it always rains before the rainbow.

Take yourself out of your shoes and walk with me in mine on this thousand mile journey I overcame less than a year ago.

I grew up with two sisters, I’m the middle child, loving parents, stable home, and two dogs. I technically had what I needed…until I didn’t. As a kid, I kept to myself and observed everything around me that influenced the person I am today. Being a shy and impressionable child, I learned the basics and figured out the kind of person I wanted to be. I wanted to be someone everyone could rely on for support, and that’s exactly who I became. But there’s more to that than what you strive to be.

So when did I realize I was not okay? To clarify, when did I realize these feelings of hurt were not going away? It’s one thing to not be okay for a day, but to not be okay for a long period of time with the last pain of insignificance and worthlessness is a different type of not okay. I knew I was struggling when I wanted help but couldn’t ask, so I didn’t.

Growing up, I struggled with my self image and self worth because I grew up on the heavier side so I told myself everyday I was ugly and fat and that nobody wanted or cared about me when that was not the case, but I didn’t know that. I continued to tell myself that I would never be enough for anyone and my response was to bend over backwards and be someone everyone wanted me to be, to be someone I wasn’t. And I wish I could explain my logic but at the time I thought that if I could make everyone else happy, they would care about me and that was all that mattered. But every day that went by, I believed that I was more and more irrelevant, and invisible… that I did not matter and if anything were to happen to me, nobody would even notice nor care. I was able to fake the smile on my face and hide my pain for a while but that all changed my junior year of high school.

Why do bad things happen to good people? I believed this but didn’t believe it was relevant to me. After my first time [having sex] was recorded without my knowledge nor consent, and sent around multiple high schools, I kept asking myself why me? At first I did believe I was a good person and didn’t deserve what happened to me, but as the days went on I kept trying to find an answer for how they could do this to me and ultimately came to the conclusion that I was to blame. Instead of accepting the fact that there was no reason for their actions, I chose to believe I must have done something that made me deserve it. Because I felt responsible for what happened, I wanted to do something right and chose to report it. What I did not realize at the time was that my parents HAD to get involved, which made things so much harder. Each and every day was harder and harder to get through because they didn’t understand what I was going through nor did they try to understand. It only took a few weeks before I wanted to just quit and end it all. When you’re a kid, all you can think about is all the wonderful things around you and how great your life is going to be. Now I have always been knowledgeable about depression but if someone had asked me if I think I would ever struggle with my mental health, my answer would have been no, and not because I was oblivious to it, but because I truly believed I was strong enough to prevent that from happening. It’s mind over matter right? That’s what everyone tells you but no one ever truly understands how much is taken from you when the depression sucks the energy and life out of you and you get stuck. And all anyone can ever say is if you want to stop feeling like that, then just stop feeling like that.

Months after that incident, I continued to fight to stop the pain and fight to seek help but couldn’t get the help I needed. As other issues arose and challenged my character and will to live, I stayed strong… but not for me. The only thing that kept me going for about 2 years was the fact that I did not want my younger sister to find me one day on the ground because I wasn’t strong enough to keep fighting. I wish I could say I kept going for myself but that’s simply not the truth. Finally, after years of struggling I decided to get up off my knees and START fighting for myself, the way I fought for my sister and I chose life. It was hard of course but that’s what life is. Everyone struggles and has different battles every day but how you choose to fight them is up to you. How you want to continue and how you want to live your life is based on the decisions and actions you make today. No matter how hard it gets or what life throws at you, remember that you can make it through even if you think otherwise because only you can make that happen. It always rains before the rainbow, so why not stick around and fight until you see the rainbow at the end?