Isolation

I isolate myself and most people are fully aware of that. I do not go outside, I work one day a week and make sure I speak to nobody, I go to the supermarket with a family member to make sure nobody asks me a question or approaches me, I do not have friends or a partner and have never been romantically involved with anyone and nor have I ever been away with friends on any occasion. I do not text people, phone people, have friends to talk to, have family members to talk to (mostly because I don't want to talk to them) and I don't leave the house alone at all for any reason. As an introduction, I think this was alright for me setting you up for how much I actually isolate myself and so, if you're reading this then consider yourself lucky - you're getting access that other people have failed to get all their lives. Let's have a bit of background then...

When I was at school I had maybe two friends, then it reduced to one and now I don't have any. When I got into university I found for the first time in my life people were asking me questions and actually wanted to listen to the answer. They actually cared and that shocked the shit out of me to the point that when I left university I made sure that I didn't stay in contact with any of them. When I was on my MA at the University of Birmingham, I did not make any friends because I was told that nobody, not even the lecturers, liked me. I was told I was a freak and it was basically the same thing I was told in school. I didn't fit in, for a cliché. When I say I didn't fit in, what I mean is I didn't and still don't do things that other people do. For example, I do not laugh or smile or get jokes. I don't go out on shopping trips, rather I do my shopping online for ease, I don't go out for a drink here and there, or to parties (because I've never really been invited), I don't go 'out for a good time' because I don't really have anyone to go with. By most of the people I had around in my life before in school and university - I have ended up forgotten about and left behind. It's like any friends I ever had could do better and just dumped me on the sidewalk for a new toy. Then again, I'm not very fun to be around - but nor would I hurt anyone.

I isolated myself when I started my MA, I began getting thinner, shedding weight quickly, not eating right. I got more and more serious - I no longer laugher or smiled, I never really understood jokes all that much anyway but then again, I've never been big on laughing. It's actually gotten to the point that people tell me I've forgotten how to really smile and I no longer remember what the sound of my laugh sounds like. I also began reading more and watching more films and then, before I knew it, I wasn't leaving the house at all. It's one of the reasons my mother started taking me to the supermarket - she believed that leave me be and I wouldn't leave the house. In reality, I don't have any reason to. There's nobody I need to see and nothing I need to do and so, I have given up even trying. I just do as I am told to do and nothing more.

When it comes to freedom I have very little. Most of the time I don't even get my own personal space with people constantly trying to invade it all the time, which is another reason why I shut people out of my life entirely. I've stopped speaking to various cousins of mine simply on the point of that I was the one maintaining the relation and so, I stopped maintaining anything. Which also brings me on to the point of any friends I ever had. I stopped maintaining anything and I seemed to just be forgotten about as if I never existed. When it comes to invading my space, all I want is to be left alone and yet, the people I don't want around try to force their way in.

When it comes down to it though, I don't think this will ever change and so - I have given up on trying to have any of what normal people call 'fun' at all. My mother says I'm not fun at all, and yet I find that when I'm reading a good book I can have all the emotions in there that I fail to express out here. It's strange. When I read, I feel like I can express happiness and even though I know it's fake it's nice to be happy for a few pages. I know nobody really wants to get to know me but if you do, I'm not all that difficult: I like to read, I watch films and review them and I'm a fan of Bob Dylan. Otherwise, there is nothing you need to know.

Isolation has consumed me, it has become my life. I may never have friends, or find a life partner or have any fun, or go traveling or do new things but I will have my books and if that can make me, even for a few hours forget how miserable and meaningless my whole life has been, is and will continue to be - then ain't it worth it?