Is It Bad I Still Don’t Know What I Want To Be When I Grow Up?

As I approach the young age of 50, I am reminded I haven’t accomplished half of the things I wanted to. Twenty years ago, I thought I’d have several novels written, and a slew of blogs under my belt. But I don’t. Instead, I am a 46-year-old blogger who barely makes $200 a month writing on Medium and Vocal Media.

There are days when I still want to write a novel. Other days, I am content being a blogger. I am still working toward something. What, I am not sure, but I am STILL writing.

My husband pushes me to write my novel. In his mind, a book would make more money than writing online. I am not convinced of that. I have made $8,893 since October 2021, writing on Medium and Vocal Media. I do not think a debut novel would pay me close to that, even if I landed a traditional publisher with a book advance.

Aside from my career goals, I have personal goals in mind, too. If I am too wrapped up in my writing aspirations, I won’t focus on my personal goals. I refuse to let that happen.

Personal Goals

I spent half my life in a toxic relationship. It wasn’t good for either of us, and it cost me more than time. I lost myself in trying to live in a miserable marriage. I hated myself and it showed. I didn’t know how to get out and start living a better life.

Eventually, I found my voice, and I told my ex-husband I wanted out. It took courage on my part because he was the typical manipulator. I was half excited when I learned he found a new partner. That meant he wouldn’t ask me for another chance or make trouble for me anymore.

Living in a toxic marriage was taxing to my body. I gained 50 pounds. I still carry that weight to this day. One of my personal goals is to shed the weight and exercise regularly.

I am not looking to be super fit and model ready. I just want to feel good in my skin and look good in a swimming suit. It’s really that simple.

Aside from my weight loss goal, I want to learn how to garden. I tried last year and failed. So, this next spring, I will try again. Maybe this time, I will succeed and grow a tomato.

Career Goals

My career goals are much more complicated. I know I want to be a writer, that much I know. However, I toggle between wanting to grow a blogging empire to writing short stories/novels. I guess I could do both — no rule against that!

Last year, I enrolled in college with the plan to get a paralegal degree. I wanted to help others, and I thought working in law would be a perfect fit for me. But I didn’t like it. It was stressful and there was so much paperwork.

I made the painful decision to quit school and reevaluate my career goals once again. And it brought me back to writing. Blogging is my happy place. I don’t think I would ever stop writing on Medium/Vocal Media. I just love the fact I can write out 600–1200 words, edit, and publish in just a few hours. Writing a novel could take me a year or more.

My new career goal is to write daily. Some days I know I will write several stories. Other days, I might only publish one story. And that’s okay. I just need to be more consistent in publishing.

Will I ever be a top 10 Medium /Vocal Media writer? Probably not, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have something valuable to say and my stories are worth less than one of the great writers.

In closing, I hope publishing more often will increase my income, even if just by a few dollars a day. I will do my part by reading and commenting on other writers’ stories. It’s important for us writers to support each other.

I think I am doing pretty well for someone who doesn’t know what she wants to be when she grows up. Thankfully, I got some time — I am only 46!

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Originally published on Medium: https://chrissiemassey1023.medium.com/is-it-bad-i-still-dont-know-what-i-want-to-be-when-i-grow-up-f03d9c19ce7e