Internal Fight

How can you say goodbye to someone you have had all along? All through life this person has been right there. You have talked to, shared all of your thoughts, good and bad. Your feelings were all over the place with this person.

How do you accept the change that is now facing your future? To accept this is one of the most difficult things I have had to do. I am finding is so extremely hard to let go and move forward. I have only truly relied on this one person all my life. How can I just them go?

Every aspect of my life has had this person, up until now, there has been no other that understands me as much. Now this new person is emerging in my life and the other is fading away, withdrawing into themselves and not knowing if they will ever return scares me so.

This new person is a shell of the other. How do I move forward toward the next step with this person that stands here now? The old person that had so much life and fight, love and laughter, compassion, and all my secrets. The person who fought for a loved one, and still had spirit to share. Understanding for those around and still soft enough to listen. Oh I miss you so. Where have you gone and will you ever re-appear?

I miss this person oh so much. Confident, loving, and so much soul, it could fill a room.

This new person is the opposite... Full of self doubt, feeling useless to others, helpless. Fighting to stay above water and breathe. Their insides feel twisted, and knotted all throughout themselves. Pain radiating through them and not knowing the next step to take. No confidence to speak of and just lost.

I do not really like this new person and want to re-connect with the old one, but I fear they are gone forever. Manage to find some stability would be wonderful, a peace of sorts. The war going on is infinite, and raging at full force. I feel there is no winner here.

Every step, move, and even breath, you hurt without any sign of becoming whole again. How to you let go of memories where things were good? How do you rid yourself of the negative, and come back to better days? How can you find the old and make the new one go away?

Struggling to find balance, somewhere in the middle, Accept and move forth, not so easy to do. I miss certain things from the old one, and fight so hard to have them back. They no longer seem to want to be with me. The new one has such a hold, the old one can not find a place in my life.

With each passing day the new one has grown stronger, more than I let on. This one seems to have the upper hand, no matter how hard they fight. The heart and mind are not syncing up to find the bliss of having both somewhere in my life and a certain darkness looms, covering any light from shining through.

Somewhere between dream and reality there is a small tree holding steady against the storm coming. It's roots are there, deep within the soil. Under this tree the old waits, waits for the new one to step from the dark clouds, curve the lighting threatening to strike it down, and show it's full strength, just to have a real chance to fight back.

As you may have concluded, the old and the new, they are both me. I have become so much less than what I was. In the blink of an eye, this new person stood in the mirror. I don't know exactly when they arrived and I am confused and shattered because I fear they will never leave.

Accept and try to re-build a new me, the one I face does not have to be. Everyday I am at war! Everyday a new battle is fought and I try and win. I do not always win or lose, I just am. I am always in pain, my mind screams that this does not have to be, as my body fails me. My mind feels the cracking and splitting of what once was, and my body feels every little change it is going through. I have done so much fighting, I am tired and grow weary.

I am lost and turning to every space I can to help some of the old me find it's way back. The struggle is most certainly real and very unjust. My future hangs in the balance of this war and I fight so hard to allow joy into my world. I have sought help, and the troops close ranks. This new me doesn't want to lose. So everyday, I will continue to fight, and pray and struggle through it all, just to have small victories.

For those who fight every single day , my heart is with you. Don't give up!