I Had No Idea I Had Addictive Tendencies?

How do you know if your compulsive you ask? Well, let me begin by saying, this is not a condition your born with, it is what you learn to be from a young age. I was raised poor with a drunk for a mother and 6 siblings all with different fathers except for me and my two baby sisters...we all had the same father, why, because my father was an extremely handsome man, he looked quite a bit like Kix Brooks from Brooks and Dunn only my father had blue eyes, anyways...moving on...see! got side tracked!

My compulsive behavior started anytime I got a dollar in my pocket! I could not for the life of me hang on to money! It had to be spent IMMEDIATELY if not sooner!! There was no forethought, just whimsical spending on things that I didn't even need...but things I wanted! This behavior is called compulsion. I had no idea that it leads to crazy addictive behavior as well, like gambling which I did for 20 years, and am now in a 12 step program for. I also decided partying for 15 years was a good idea as well, and I didn't just buy my drinks, I bought the bars drinks as well! Where was all this money coming from you ask? me! I worked my ass off for a paycheck only to have it gone by the time the weekend was over. I could always count on the local watering hole, oh, and my boyfriend at the time to get me through the week, since I bought for the whole bar, I could usually get a freebie or 20 throughout the week, I also ran tabs! Then I got the brilliant idea to work there! yes! then I could drink as much as I wanted for free and stay for after parties which happened alot! ahhh good times!

While all this was going on I was supposed to be raising a son(whom I had a 18). Yeah, one year after we moved to San Diego he barley ever saw me because me having fun was more important....but it really wasn't; you see...that was my addictive compulsive behavior taking over, and once it did, I was gone! It was just like smoking crack or meth! I did that too when I was younger (started at 15 and quit at 22), and I loved that shit! It made me feel invincible like I could do anything! I had a baby at 18, and managed to quit while pregnant, then I started right back up again when he was born! Until I looked in the mirror six years later at my boney reflection and asked myself "If you die, who will take care of your son"? I quit that day and never looked back. I left everyone and everything behind to get clean and sober, I stayed that way for ten years, got married and separated, moved to Southern California with a woman I called my girlfriend who left me for greener pastures(and unfortunately found out she had stage 4 parkinsons later on). I raised my son til he was 15, then I met a man and off I went! I had not been a big drinker because I was raised by an alcoholic. My mother was drunk or on pills most of my life, I spent all of my youth in and out of foster care, and some homes were shitty and some were great! I learned how real families worked through the foster system, so I was thankful for that when I became a mother. Moving on...I also realized that I am compulsive about my eating habits as well. What I didn't realize is that when you have a compulsive nature everything becomes a compulsion! I went from compulsive gambling, to binge drinking for 15 years, then when the pandemic hit, I became a compulsive shopper! I was getting packages almost everyday, ordering the next "ooh shiny" thing, I didn't really need these things...I just wanted them! Well, my current husband had decided he was done! After telling me time and time again that we can't afford this behavior, I began to look deeper into what was happening with me. I started researching compulsive addictive behavior, and there I was literally in black and white! I also realized I was not the only one doing this, the world was. I gained 45 lbs eating, merely out of bordom, and I then begain binge watching netflix...does it ever end? Not if you aren't paying attention!

So, I decided to begin a plan of attack to stop this rediculousness. I began to turn this behavior to my health and fitness. I started eating and cooking healthier meals, and working out and walking to lose the weight, however that stalled after a few months and I started drinking again, oh yes I had also quit smoking, but started that back up again. So, recently I have decided to get into yet another 12 step program to quit drinking...yes, I am now in Gamblers Anonymous and Alcoholics Anonymous and I have to say it's working wonders. I still smoke, but have decided to work on one demon at a time because I promise you if you try to do it all at once, you will probably fail. I somehow felt like I was depriving myself, or that's what I convinced myself I was doing...which is a big fat lie! You see, it's all in how you think! Change the way you think, and the behavior changes with it. Simple really if you think about it. Now, making it happen when your naturally compulsive...is another story. So, start with a daily routine, and it eventually becomes habit. It is proven that is only takes 21 days to make a habit stick...and don't beat yourself up if you fall down. Just get back up and try again. If I can...you can! You just have to believe in you, and self care is very important for a healthier happier you, not to mention how it affects everyone around you as well. I now attend meetings daily(I have also found god) and am working on only allowing myself to have a certain amount of cigarrettes per day, and I lessen that every week by one. I cook healthy meals and have learned to intermittent fast which is helping me control my eating habits. I do not binge eat anymore, I have learned to put my fork down between bites and actually chew and enjoy the flavors of the food I am eating (this was a major challenge since I taught myself to scarf everything I ate within minutes of serving myself, I was always the first to finish). I also am incorporating less chocolate and more salads into my diet which helps with healthy digestion and regular bowel movements. At my age (54) those become a blessing, because anyone who has experienced constipation gets it. So, that is my story, and I hope your reading this and getting something out of it. I know I feel better already!