I Can See Into My Future

I am no psychic. Allow me to explain.

Humans are always growing. Sometimes, we have seasons of stagnation, however long or short, but nevertheless, we are growing. No matter how long it takes the seed to mature into a living, breathing tree, it will occur as part of a natural process. Yet, in our human lives it seems so much more convoluted than that. We live in an age of such complexity, the point of mature growth is an uncertain concept. Are we ever really there? Do we ever stop growing or does it simply slow down with time? Is a man near death learning like a child who takes their first step?

It is possible, if that man is learning to overcome fear and allow death to come as it may.

We follow an incredible number of different paths, toward a near infinite number of goals. Some seek self-actualization, others a home to care for, others athletic prowess, financial security, wanderlust, farming, building, writing… the categories are endless.

Yet it all stems from our shared ability to learn and to grow.

When considering my future, toward what patch of sunny sky I will reach, I often understand the growing pains as they are occurring. Sometimes I feel like I am observing my life more than actually living it. While that can be frustrating, it also gives me the ability to have insight into my life that I may not have otherwise.

I have spent more than half of my entire existence learning to play guitar and write music. For most of that time, insecurity and doubt held me back from prioritizing it. I knew that it was a passion, that I derived much joy from the process, but I couldn’t seem to shake the concept that it was for somebody else, that I was not good enough.

Recently, I have begun to see my progression, both past present and future. I can see how the way I viewed myself impacted my ability to engage authentically with music. I can see that now I am in the process of letting go of that certainty, and allowing curiosity to shape my creative process. I am beginning to ask more questions and learning to reach out to others. I am beginning to “come out of my shell” so to speak. I can see where I will go, or where I will grow, rather. I understand that while I think I want to be an accomplished musician, this process I am undertaking currently, along with the process that has already occurred, is the necessary precursor for future development.

Even in the throes of anxiety and doubt about my current state of affairs, I will simultaneously be afraid, and also understand that this fear is a part of the growing pains. It is this understanding that allows me to accept where I am at, even if it does not feel good. Even when I am trying to change it. Even when I feel locked in doubt, that pervasive sense of lacking something, I can see the future.

Perhaps it is simply observing the road others have travelled, perhaps it is merely a projection. Regardless of the source of this understanding, it is what allows me experience struggle with a twinge of hope always sitting somewhere in the back of my mind. Even when I will claim with exasperation that I will “never be like them” or “I can’t make this work”, there is something within me that understands this feeling, and can see beyond it.

So at this point in my life, with years of songwriting behind me and four monthly listeners on Spotify, what might my future hold?

I think that this winter, being isolated in a small mountain town, is what is allowing me to focus on music with very little distractions, although not the original intent. I think that this pandemic will force me to figure out my identity as an artist, before attempting to enter the public sphere. I think that as my confidence grows, so too will my ability to connect with other artists, and I will find that I do not have to do it alone. I think that daycare falling through means that I am desperate for opportunities to create, and prioritizing it is more important than having lots of time.

I think that my sunny clearing, where no other tree has gone before, is when I allow myself to create exactly how I want to, and stop looking to others for answers about how I am “supposed” to do it.

The future is bright. I can see it.