I Believe in Clover

It’s true. I really do believe in clover. And love. And myself. If I didn’t believe in myself, you wouldn’t be reading these words right now, that’s for sure. Just half a year ago, things were very different. I didn’t know that I believed in clover. It’s not that I didn’t, I had just never thought consciously about if I did or not. But I do. Especially after last weekend I know that I really do.

Half a year ago, I didn’t believe in myself either. Perhaps I thought I did, but I really didn’t, not completely and not like I do now. Things had begun changing though. I had been working quite hard looking deep within for a while, lightening up the shadows, looking at my patterns, habits, thoughts, and so on. Working on becoming aware of my ego and not believe everything it said to me.

You see, I used to have a pretty big ego. Probably not the type of big ego that would typically show up on your inner screen when you read the words ‘big ego,’ but still biiiiiig. I’ll get back to that another day, for now I’ll just tell you that my big ego spent most of my life telling me that I wasn’t good enough. That I was lower ranging than many people, especially those random people I didn’t know. That I had to do something special to make other people like or love me. My ego made me feel ashamed of being me, and made me blush and excuse a lot. Told me not to speak up. To not speak my truth. To not stand up for myself and my values. To not focus on my own opinion and stick with that. My ego also told me to hurry up and get done when I did speak up, even when I actually had some pretty important things to say or a good story to tell.

Half a year ago I did believe in love, however. But since clover came into my life, my faith in love has grown and grown. As has faith in and love for myself. And along that way, my ego has shrunken and shrunken, which means that she now has a proper size. She used to have the character of a big, angry, guarding, drooling Bulldog, ready to jump out almost any minute and bark. Now she’s more like a petite Chihuahua (credit and a big THANK YOU to Sonia Choquette for bringing up that association in the podcast with Kisser Paludan—It's episode 60 in the podcast Soultalk—Kisser Paludan. Sonia calls her ego Fifi, I really love that :D). My Fifi (I haven’t found a proper name for my ego yet) does like to bark sometimes, especially if she feels she gets threatened, but now she’s easy to calm down and when I acknowledge her, she normally behaves pretty nicely. I wouldn’t and couldn’t live without her. I need her.

My heart, on the other side, is more like a Golden Retriever. She’s golden and light filled. Friendly and loving and easy to make happy, especially when I live my joy. She wags her tail, smiles, and dances around when I take good care of her. She has so much love to give when I remember to serve myself and fill myself up. When I do so, she spreads and receives so much love. She really loves to shine her love-filled, golden, glittering light upon others. If I forget to live my joy and serve her and fill her up she will tell me. It’s not always easy to figure it out, but I’ve realized that most times when I’ve had pain somewhere in my body, it was her telling me to remember to serve and fill myself up and do what makes me happy. It was her telling me to stand up for myself and my values.

What does clover have to do with all this? You see, I’m convinced that clover has been present in my life my whole life. I just wasn’t aware and conscious about their presence. I can see now that I’ve felt them without realizing what it really was that I felt. They were there in those puzzling, magic moments, which were hard for my brain (but not my heart) to understand. Those moments where I sometimes thought to myself: Was this really a coincidence? They were also there in those darker moments where I could have gotten hurt but I somehow didn’t. My heart knew all along that clover was there, but my brain wasn’t aware of them. It is now and so is my body. And I’m so grateful for that. Clover has brought so many more puzzling and magic moments after I opened up and let them into my life and became more present in the now, more conscious. And I’m ready for so much more. Let the puzzling, magic moments roll <3

THANK YOU <3