How To Start Taking Control Of Your Life

Feeling as though you have lost control is more common than you think. It doesn't matter your position in the world, we all have moments, some more than others, and for different durations, in which our path becomes slippery and our feet lose balance. Maybe something didn't go the way you had planned, or better yet, maybe something did and it turned out not to be what you thought it would have been in the first place. Maybe you lost someone dear to you, or you are fighting more and more with a loved one, maybe you need the courage to pick up the phone and call someone that needs to hear your voice, or, maybe you are lacking a certain joie de vivre and the more you look the harder it is to find.

If any of this sounds familiar to you then please keep reading. Below I am going to explain how to overcome the slippery path and get control back in your life.

Acceptance & Expectations

Most of us daily play a strange game of mental cat and mouse with our expectations. We imagine the moments that are to follow, a certain conversation with our spouse or teacher, a romantic date later in the week, how we will wake up and go to sleep and every little thing in-between, and then we chase those expectations as if they are realities. After we have formed the ideas inside our heads about how our life will play out we look for constant signs to comfort us that it is what we expected it to be. We are fearful of the unknown. This does not mean that we should not imagine what is to come and daydream a little about it, imagination is a powerful tool and it is often rather tempting to develop scenarios in the head that are to come. However, what happens when things don't go according to plan? What happens when something out of the ordinary happens?

One of the unfortunate factors of creating expectations about everything in life is that when you do so, you remove the possibility for the extraordinary to occur. Expectations are often a closing of the possibilities of what is to come, and when we do this, we often end up suffering at our own hands. We try so hard to make things align with what we thought was going to happen that we are blindsided by all the things that could have happened. Often we do this because we are fearful of the unknown, but we also do this because we think we know what is best.

I am not saying that you should not have expectations, you are human after all and it is in our nature to do so, but have them in moderation. Not only this but you must practice one of life's greatest powers, acceptance.

Acceptance is very simple, it is not an action, it is the opposite of action. In Zen, there is a term "wu-wei", which roughly translates to non-action or non-doing, and this is more in line with acceptance. Acceptance is letting go of the expectations you have. Often people tell me it is hard to grasp this understanding, and that is usually because they are consumed by actions, by the "grasping of straws'. If you also have difficulty understanding this notion, and you sit unaware of how to use its power, the next time you come up against the opposition of your expectations, simply repeat the word acceptance in your mind. Say to yourself, "I choose to accept all things in life" and keep on repeating it, focus on it in your mind, and do not let it out of your sight.

Often the things you focus on become your reality, and in due time, by doing this, acceptance will wash over you.

Belief

Belief is nature's most powerful placebo and the foundation of our expectations. We shape our lives based on our experiences and as we grow, change and evolve, we do so out of the belief systems we put in place. A lot of maturation in life is the disabling of old, negative belief systems, set up by parents and loved ones, teachers and strangers, friends and enemies.

As a young person in this world, we end up accidentally accepting other people's beliefs as if they were our own. We watch the people around us go through failure, success, love, and trauma, and we slowly learn how to think and how to act. The problem with this is that we are all unique and each individual's life experiences will eventually shape them differently.

As we mature, it is important to reflect deeply, in your own time and in your way, so that you may develop your own beliefs about the world around you, based on your worldview. In doing so, you have the opportunity to cast out the negative habits picked up from other people's pain and bring forth ones that enable more love and understanding.

It can be hard at times to know which beliefs are helping and which are hurting us. When you put the idea into the context of "I believe…" and speak it aloud, then you can often see from an external perspective, what value the perspective should hold. Imagine it was a dear friend telling you the same thing and if it sounds as if the belief in question is harmful, discard it. If it is still difficult to know which way to go, break it down further.

Does it have a quality that resembles any of the following; love, compassion, resilience, optimism, or understanding? If so, it will most likely help you along your journey in life. If however, it holds a quality of selfishness, hatred, pessimism, or guilt, then there is a high chance it is hurting you, both in the long term and the short.

Grief

Throughout my life, I have found that people only associate grief with death, as if the two are intertwined. Grief indeed holds an important role in healing after a loved one has died but it should not be held for this reason alone. We need to use this emotion to better compartmentalize the pain and trauma we go through on a daily, weekly, and monthly basis. Doing so will help each of us to move on through the pain we hold and let it go so that it does not hold the same power over us.

One metaphor I like to use to put this in perspective is to imagine my pain and trauma like dirty clothes in my laundry basket. If you were to allow your basket to become overflowing with dirty clothes they would spill over the sides and onto the floor, cluttering the room and making it difficult to see clearly. After a while, there will be so many clothes that you have forgotten what the room looks like, to begin with. It has slipped your mind that beneath all these soiled fabrics lies a solid foundation. As you go through your life, make sure to organize your dirty clothes, i.e, painful thoughts and memories, and get to work cleaning them. Sit with them, separate them, clean them of your guilt or shame or regret or whatever it is that is holding you back. Process them as you would a basket of dirty clothes and when you have finished with each article of clothing, hang it up for good in the back of your closet. Not so that you will forget it exists, but so that it does not clutter your mind with the unnecessary.

Karma and the Train of Pain

In modern, western society the term Karma is often used to give a middle finger to those that apparently “deserve it!”. However, all this does is harm the person that wishes bad things will happen to another. Let me tell you this right now, it doesn't matter who has hurt you, when they hurt you, how they hurt you, etc, wishing hurt on anyone continues what I like to call the ‘Train of Pain’ which inevitably harms yourself.

Karma is more accurately translated into “action” than it is “good things happen to good people and bad things happen to bad people”. Guess what, good things and bad things happen to all people, regardless of their karmic state. Nature is not about a balance of morality. There is no individual in the sky ensuring all people receive in life that which they dish out. This notion is not meant to produce feelings of helplessness or doubt, it is instead meant to help each of us understand our responsibility in our lives and how to hold ourselves accountable for the thoughts we have and the actions we take.

We all hold our moral code and as we go about our daily lives we either uphold that code or deny it. It might be in how you choose to communicate with others, what kind of actions you consider toxic, how you support friends and families etc. If you deny yourself the accuracy of upholding your code then you are creating seeds of doubt inside your mind. These seeds have an opportunity to grow into further painful experiences and we can accidentally nurture them through our ignorance.

The “Train of Pain” is a simple notion to help disarm your negative belief habits when someone steps into your space and attempts to cause you trouble. Each of us used to be a child and somewhere along the line that person chose to take the pain another person was dishing out, hold onto it, and pass it over to another person. They inevitably carried the train of pain along with them. Each of us has the opportunity to show love and compassion to the people that wish to cause us harm, and hopefully, if you can do this, you will end that person's pain train. You can see this all around you and inside you. Someone says something means to you, cuts you off in traffic, acts incorrectly towards you, and instead of showing that person love, instead of accepting their actions and not taking them personally, you decide to say fuck you and hurl an insult back at them. Nice job, well done. It is akin to a bunch of monkeys throwing shit at each other from the treetops.

What we all need to realize is that this is truly just our dirty laundry coming to the surface. Those that have dealt correctly and diligently with cleaning out the old clothes of the past will have a different reaction when trouble comes their way. Choose to show love, compassion, and gratitude instead of allowing another person's ‘Train of Pain’ to become your own.

Desires

We all have desires, it is only human to do so but most of us have so many desires that we cannot possibly be happy. That is because you will never acquire all that you desire unless you only desire very few things. There is only so much any one person can achieve in their given life, only so many paths one can walk down. We must sacrifice something for each thing we gain, that is the balance of the scales of fate. To begin with, it is important to make sure that what you desire is that which is of most importance to you. There is no point in desiring every little thing in your life to be a certain way, there is simply not enough time, energy, or luck associated with any one person. We should be actively pursuing the things that mean the most to us so that we do not become wasteful in our dreams.

Imagine the Aladdin story, you get three wishes. Life is a lot like this. You can only want so many things in your life before life itself becomes overwhelmed with the inability to acquire them. We run around chasing this and that, trying to perfect every tiny thing that exists inside our bubble. We chase shallow desires like the newest fashion trend or the cute girl behind the counter or a little more money. We lie to ourselves that if only we get the next thing, and the next thing, we will be happy. The truth is people that think this way will never be happy.

We must instead choose to desire things that hold deep significance and meaning in our lives. The strength to help a loved one in times of need, emotional resilience, and the ability to adapt and change with our circumstances. These are some examples of desires that are worth their weight. They are not desires based on the actions of other people, they do not allow you to become a slave to another person or a slave to a material object. They allow you instead to cultivate a deeper knowledge of what is important in the world, and the ability to overcome the troubles that may come your way.

Exercise, Diet, Sleep

We have come very far in a short time frame in regards to our knowledge of what practices make the human being work best. Due to science, we can see clearly what hinders and what helps the individual to a certain extent. We are fully aware as a collective that active movement each day stimulates the brain and body in many ways that provide benefits. Enough data has been gathered to show general guidance on the kinds of foods that help promote a healthy lifestyle. Groundbreaking discoveries have lifted the veil of dissolution regarding our egotistical negative habits, enough to see that the foundations of life are more important than we in the 21st century have given credit.

A good night's sleep along with proper breathing techniques are the most fundamental foundations of a healthy person. Each of us needs to acquire between 7-9 hours of sleep each night, if this is not happening for you then you must seriously address the issue as if your life depended on it because it does. If a healthy sleeping pattern is not maintained, mental and bodily functions begin to suffer. Light is the most important aspect to consider. Human beings evolved over millions of years to match the Circadian rhythm, the cycle of light and dark. Many of our internal systems run by this clock and can either benefit you or hinder you depending on whether or not you give them the importance and stick to the cycle. Leading up to bedtime our lives should be in darkness with as little light and screens as possible. In the morning hours we should be seeking out light as much as possible, the sun is king here and will be your gateway to a good start. The advice is simple, a good night's sleep is worth your weight in gold and you should not give up sleep for anything.

Breath is another fundamental that should be taught in school. New science has given us an understanding of how mouth breathing versus nasal breathing affects the body and mind. There is a reason that in some cultures the term "mouth breather" is an insult. This is because breathing through the mouth not only inhibits the benefits of nasal breathing but also provides an array of complex issues. The advice once again is simple to follow, breathe through your nose.

Diet can be a very confusing topic these days. With so many fads, opinions, and opposing studies showcasing a wide variety of options it can become overwhelming to know what choices to make. Often the real issue is one of desire for the things we know are not good for us. There is an easier way to overcome the issue of too many choices and that is to choose one and stick to it. It is worth mentioning that the word diet should not be used to mean a temporary change in one's consumption. The word diet should instead mean what you consume, period. I believe we all have enough common sense to know which foods will inevitably hurt us, the strange thing is that we are often willing to give up feeling good just to temporarily have a pleasant mouth sensation. We are like children playing games, consumed by advertising and options, we allow ourselves to forget how easy the decision is. Keep it simple, eat what we have eaten for centuries, and stick to what is natural. Ask yourself, did my ancestors eat this? Is this food natural? If you struggle to find the correct answer then I am sure you do not want to feel good in the first place.

Exercise often gets a bad rep. I find it easy to understand its significance when I think of the lives of our nomadic ancestors. Sure they most likely sat around camp for parts of the day, enjoying rest and laughter and the like. But they also lived active lives, constantly moving and using their bodies to engage the world around them. They by no means sat in one spot for an entire day, unless they were sick or injured, and had food brought to them to stuff their faces. They by no means spent 8 hours sitting in a chair staring at a screen only to sit in another chair in traffic just to reach another chair in front of another screen. Again the message kept simple is easiest to understand, move as often as you can, make your body sweat, move some more and when you are done moving, try moving just that little bit more. Walk, run, cycle, kayak, climb, swim, hike, your options are endless. Exercise is something we get to choose to do, to make ourselves more healthy, think of it as choosing to be a better friend to yourself, choosing to support the future you.

Difficulty

The human mind seems prone to searching out difficulty. Maybe it is because we lived in a survival situation for such a long time and just recently, stepped into a world of unbelievable comfort, one in which we have become soft to our external and internal environments. The conclusion is that with our extremely comfortable lives we have ended up believing that which is not true, that life can be carefully manipulated to avoid suffering. Instead of learning how to deal with the issues we have, accept and learn from them and move through them, we have become victims to a kind of god complex in which we believe that we can remove all suffering through the use of additional measures of comfort. This is not true, and the more we move down this path, the more we chase the proverbial dragon of sedation and comfort, and the less resilient our internal system becomes.

It would appear to me that difficulty is a natural human resting state, one that we should be chasing, not running away from. This is not some sadistic pain-seeking exploit but instead the opposite, it is a philosophical journey, a decision to stand tall with your eyes open and not only face your pains, not just embrace them and understand how they will reward you, but seek them out. When you start searching for and bringing into your existence difficult things, you find that you start to work an internal muscle that creates a more stable foundation for you to stand on. With each thing you encounter you learn more about how to overcome struggles and be comfortable inside pain.

Something that I hear often is people of all ages, living what you may consider being very privileged lives, complaining about how hard their existence is as if they have something to complain about at all. We must each understand that there is a subtle balance in all things. If we live in excess, filled with desires, in comfortable means without any hardship, the brain will do something very interesting. It will create hardship all on its own. It will twist and contort itself, bending and morphing until it presents the host with a series of problems. It does this because it has nothing difficult to face, and difficulty is prone to human existence. Suffering and life are intertwined and if you do not have something hard in your external life to apply yourself to then the mind will create its own messed-up set of problems so that it has something to solve.

The answer is simple in words but not so much in actions. Search out that which is difficult, set yourself a realistic goal, and make something of yourself and your time. Do not squander, do not give in to the frailty of comfort or the pathetic little voice inside yourself that makes up excuses and makes you believe you are some sort of victim. The truth is, we often suffer much more in our imagination than in reality.

Goals

The importance of goals cannot be overstated. The mind needs to grow with the ever-present change that dominates existence and it is valuable to grow in positive ways instead of in negative ways. This means knowing in which way you want to evolve so that you can move towards those goals instead of away from them. If we simply float through life without purpose often we are quick to succumb to changes we never intended on making. This does not mean you have to have a strict regimen for how to achieve your goals, we are all different and all searching for something different in this life. It does however mean that you should know what it is you want to achieve within the next period of your life so that you can ensure your decisions on the daily honour that dream.

It can be anything you want. Something physical, such as sticking to an exercise schedule, or getting a promotion at work. It could be something financial, like clearing your debt or saving more money for a dream vacation. It could be something mental, like removing toxic self-destructive thoughts or becoming a better friend to yourself. One of the most magnificent and overlooked aspects of being a human being is the fact that you get to choose what you want and go after it. We can create our destiny, and forge our paths in life. Our possibilities are endless and often we are wasteful with our existence because we believe we are not capable of achieving that which we want the most. It does not mean that it will be easy, it most likely will not be easy but you can choose that to be the difficult thing you chase and give yourself purpose and meaning in doing so.

That's right, purpose and meaning. Two of the most powerful tools that you can harness in every situation to change the way you perceive the world around you and inside you. You can apply whatever meaning you need to a given experience to ensure it benefits you instead of bringing you down. You do this by changing the relationship you have with that experience, and in doing so, you change your world.

Set some goals, make some easy, make some hard, and do not give up when you hit an obstacle. Push further and ask more of yourself, one of these days you might realize what it is you are made of.