How To Not Feel Like Shit

I feel like shit.

I can feel the walls caving around me as the familiar darkness creeps in. Its weight heavy on my chest, as I slowly make my bed my haven for all things good and bad- most times more bad than good.

The ability for my mind to completely take over my sense of peace and safety has become an all too familiar feeling. Try as I might, I can't seem to get used to it. Perhaps it's because I am a product of an environment that's turned blind eyes to issues of the mind.

You see, growing up in a deeply religious African home, any signs of mental health issues were demonstrative of being spiritually weak. It was seen as something that must be prayed away, lest the devil gets his grubby horned hands around my soul. So pray it away I must. And pray I did.

Yet even when I did, my mind was still being eaten from the inside out. I am here all prayed out, battling day and night with scars from battles lost.

So what do I do when I am all prayed out, with nothing left in me cowering on the floor from hopelessness?

5–4–3–2–1 UP!

Pressing the reset button has been one of my personal game-changers. I came across Mel Robbins, some time ago and her story resonated with me. In order to take control of her life that was falling apart, she came up with the 5-4-3-2-1 concept. Not unique, but still powerful.

This concept is based on metacognition- the ability to understand one's thought processes. When I understand my thought process, I have the opportunity to interrupt it and trick my brain to do what I want it to do. That is the 5-second rule in a nutshell;

"The moment you have an instinct to act on a goal you must 5–4–3–2–1 and physically move or your brain will stop you"- Mel Robbins

I have been applying this concept in moments when I become overly familiar with the patterns on my ceiling or when I am apathetic, or when sadness fills me to the brim, or when I grow irritable and angry for no reason. Sometimes it works, other times, it doesn't.

I verbally count down and leap out of bed, shutting my brain up for the millionth time. At that moment all the open tabs in my mind close down and I feel purposeful.

I open the blinds and windows letting the sunshine and air in. Then I proceed to make my bed. I try to make it look inviting. Not Four Seasons or Hilton inviting, but inviting nonetheless. I light a candle, take the moment in because this is monumental. I mean 5 seconds ago, I didn't think I had it in me. For me, the 5-second rule has become a celebration of mini-tasks that lead to the big ones.

Next, I spark up Alexa and blast some hype ass music. Meg Thee Stallion always gets me hyped up for what's to come.

Mirror Work

I am whole

I am healing

I am getting stronger each day

I am affirmed

I love, forgive, and show grace to myself

I am a warrior and a conqueror

I am a child of light

Light lives within me

This is a mantra I try to say to myself whilst looking in the mirror. It's grounded in the knowledge that I am a work in progress, yet I am choosing to show love and grace to myself as I trudge along. It is a lesson in self-love.

I borrowed 'The mirror exercise' concept from motivational guru Lisa Nichols and tailored it to me and what I want to hear about myself. People might think this is weird and a bit narcissistic, but I see it differently. It is a way to connect back to me.

Most people avoid looking at themselves in the mirror, much less looking into their eyes and saying beautiful things about themselves. This is where the mirror exercise is handy.

Once you remove the awkwardness of staring at yourself in the mirror, this exercise according to Lisa becomes simple- it's about getting in front of a mirror and speaking affirmative words to yourself that will bring about healing. Is it self-forgiveness you seek, is it words of worthiness? Whatever words I am craving, I say it to myself in that moment, because if not me, who then?

"I want you to look at yourself as if you were your best friend. We tend to look at our friends with more compassion, grace, ease and love. When we look at ourselves, we tend to look with judgement and ridicule"

Power of Movement

I used to love working out, but somewhere down the line, I stopped. Rather than viewing movement as a pleasurable gift, I viewed it as a chore and actively avoided it. But I am back on track now;

There are many positive mental health benefits of working out.

• It reduces stress and increases energy

• Boosts brain power

• Sharpens memory

• Boosts creativity

There is also an abundance of free workout resources by amazing people on Youtube. Caroline Girvan (for some butt-kicking HIIT and strength training), Heather Robertson (for Tabata and more), Tara's Body (for fun Afrodance workouts), and Patrick and Carling (for some yoga fix) for example.

Whatever your proclivity, there is something for you that you can enjoy.

For the days my inner child feels ignored like she is on time out, I look to play to cater to her needs. When she is happy, I am at my best. Somewhere along the way of living, I have forgotten to play like a child.

She likes to hang upside down, so I do it. There are other benefits of inversions besides feeling refreshed and invigorated. I choose this because it fits my personality just fine.

No Julia Childs

I love food, but I am no Nigella Lawson or Julia Childs. Cooking and eating make me feel good. Though I enjoy cooking, it has become tedious to open the fridge and see only ingredients.

Nevertheless, I am slowly getting my mojo back. These days I am on a Korean food kick and my tummy thanks me. 

I love Korean food, so I try it. This recipe to be precise. Spicy and sweet and pairs nicely with cheap wine.

Cooking is therapeutic to me. It has become another way to explore my creative side and I consider it another version of playing. Just don't ask me to do the dishes.

Schedule A Cry Session

"We cannot selectively numb emotions, when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions." –Brene Brown

As ridiculous as scheduling a cry session sounds, this has been an important part of tending to my mind.

I once avoided crying because I viewed it as a sign of weakness with no inherent value. Not anymore. The people I have come to admire are those who cry and speak about their weaknesses with no fear. There are so many whose vulnerability permits me to be vulnerable; Brene Brown, Lisa Nichols, and Sara Nicole for instance. 

As bad as it sounds, I have trained myself to ignore the need to cry when it arises. This is problematic because I end up lugging this silent pain around. It ends up coming out in emotions that have become harmful to those I love (anger for instance). So to avoid this, when I feel myself holding back tears, I take preemptive measures to cry.

I can't afford a therapist right now, so this is what I do. I watch Korean melodramas or inspirational Youtube videos. It gets me every time. It feels good to cry and the release that follows brings clarity in its wake. I am much more pleasant and not a fire breathing banshee. How can this be a bad thing? I am slowly embracing crying, embracing being vulnerable, and embracing my softness more. After all, I am not made of stone.

Mastering My Mind

My mind is a cavernous pit that seems to cling on to the familiar, even when the familiar is bringing me harm. So I do what I must to reclaim myself. Like the sponge that it is, I feed it with good fruits.

There are vessels and carriers of light that I can refer to when my minds endless tabs stay open. Their words serve as ambrosia to my mind when it feels poisoned;

-"You don't get in life what you want, you get in life, what you are" - Les Brown

-"Believe it can be done. When you believe something can be done, really believe, your mind will find the ways to do it. Believing a solution paves the way to a solution." ― David J. Schwartz

-"If you can look up, you can get up"- Les Brown

-"If I am not good to myself, how can I expect anyone else to be good to me?- Maya Angelou

-"Whatever we plant in our subconscious mind and nourish with repetition and emotion will one day become a reality"- Earl Nightingale

-"DIG deep–get deliberate, inspired, and going"- Brene Brown

Like with the creation of new and sustainable habits, reclaiming my mind has been the hardest. But I am cognizant, that out of my mind comes all possibilities. So I fight. I must. I have tasted light, felt its kiss on my skin and I want it. The dark place took my dreams, choked and suffocated it till all that remains are dying cinders. From the dying ashes that still remain, I must ignite a spark. This I can do with my mind.

Parting Words

Life has a funny way of humbling a person. Just when you feel like it is going to be okay, it throws a different curveball that can be crippling.

I have been on an upswing with reclaiming my mind from 2020. Come 2021, mid-January, it felt like I had hit a wall. Much like everyone, I questioned if there's an end in sight to our collective pain. There are no answers as of yet and I am learning to be okay in this uncertain space.

So if I trip and fall a million times, I will take a break and begin again. Because as I continue this change, I know that every day will be different, that I may not hit every mark all the time. But these tools that I have created will be and have been there to empower me and help me pick up the pieces to continue the good fight.

These tools serve as practical reminders that I can do every day to become better and stronger. I do not want to be a slave to that dark place, I want to overcome it. Because the life I envision is one not devoid of the pains, but one where I am fully thriving despite it.

I hope that whatever you, dear reader choose to do to better yourself with the endless fresh restarts you have, I hope it is done with love, kindness, and play. This is no love and light shit. It is hard, but we have to be radical in our pursuit of the life envisioned.

"Everything in life is a mind game! Whenever we get swept under by life's dramas, large and small, we are forgetting that no matter how bad the pain gets, no matter how harrowing the torture, all bad things end" David Goggins