How to Make Beauty From a Broken Past

When I think of the word Home it brings up mixed feelings for me.

I grew up in a broken and violent home with two abusive parents.

My environment was volatile and unpredictable.

I was convinced I wouldn't make it out alive of my parents' home. Either they'd kill me or I would kill myself.

I found ways to escape through drug addiction and strategically planning runaways.

From riding in cars with drug dealers to sitting in childrens' mental hospitals, I was desperate for a way out.

When I did move out, I made a vow to myself that I'd never be anything like them.

However if you aren't getting help for your past, it can creep up on you in unexpected ways.

I left home at sixteen through emancipation.

Two years later I joined the United States Navy.

At the time the military was my safest and best option for a home.

I thought by starting over and moving far away I was moving forward.

You know, the good old cure-for-your-problems technique, Out of Sight, Out of Mind.

Looking back all I wanted was to feel safe, and home was nothing close to safe.

In the last ten years I have been on a quest for home.

When you are in search of home, I feel like you are allowed to be in an experimental phase for a long time.

I experimented with my sexuality and dated many people from men to women.

I lived in big cities like New York and Los Angeles.

I traveled extensively all over the world and the United States.

I studied with psychics, healers, meditation teachers, and spiritual mentors.

I wrote three books and built an online business in spiritual health and wellness.

I couch-surfed and was a digital nomad for three months.

2 1/2 years ago I finally laid my roots down in the City of Angels, Los Angeles.

That's when I realized everything I did wasn't working.

I realized home was something I needed to build on the inside.

I felt broken no matter what I did, accomplished, or created.

A part of me still felt unworthy and unlovable.

That's when I got help, and started showing up with unwavering commitment to healing.

It was painful to go to therapy week after week, and talk about my broken home and sexual trauma.

At times I wondered if I'd ever get better.

I got smarter about who was in my inner circle.

I started choosing healthier people to surround myself with and support me in my recovery.

And that's when I met my partner who changed my life.

He was one of my angels who showed me it was okay to be myself, and that I didn't need to feel ashamed of my story.

We now have a son together and are building our home together.

As a mother I want nothing more than to give my son a healthy loving home that he can always come back to.

As a woman in recovery from trauma, I am creating a healthy view of what home means to me now.

I have learned that no matter how broken we are, we can try again with support.

Home is more than a place you go to.

It is who you surround yourself with.

It is knowing who you are and what you stand for.

It is trust, safety, and love.

It is more than who we come from, and what we are born into.

It is what we build within.