How humility is transforming my relationships - and teaching me to be kinder to myself

Do you ever feel entirely alone amongst a group of people? Felt unsure of who you are, and how to connect to others? I do all the time, and here's my take on a way to move forward.

I can trace it back to the year I left school. That year, I felt invincible. After five years of incessant studying and stressing, I had grades I was proud of. Up until then, academic achievement was my life and as far as I was concerned I’d just reached the top. I had a closely-knit group of friends who meant the world to me and a wonderful new relationship. Looking back, that year seems more like a dopamine-fuelled dream than reality.

Come November, I was about to leave for a short holiday with my then-new boyfriend to visit his brother in an out-of-the-way Bavarian town. We set off in the middle of the night to catch our 5am flight, a journey which is solidified in my memory as the literal and metaphorical start of an eye-opening journey. The bright lights of cars burnt my tired eyes, with the beautifully eerie soundtrack of Agnes Obel simultaneously lulling me to sleep and unsettling me. At the time, I was pumped full of adrenaline and excitement. And still I had no idea of the reality check I was about to get.

Around 7am we landed in Memmingen, where the air was still and crisp before the bustle of the day had really begun. Perhaps it was my lack of sleep, but I felt suddenly untethered from reality, floating through the empty airport, and then later past the countless snow-bedecked rooves of scattered hamlets as we drove through the countryside.

I soon became acquainted with my boyfriend’s brother and his expat friends, mostly over a decade older than me. Trying to enter their conversation felt like jumping off a cliff directly onto a cluster of sharp rocks. Why bother, when I knew nothing about what they were talking about, and would only show myself up to be clueless and naive? In reality, I scarcely knew how to join in. So I stayed quiet, trying to comprehend this new planet I had landed on. When they asked me questions, it felt more like interrogation, and I was already condemned as guilty.

That week was perhaps the steepest learning curve of my life. In fact, it felt like less of a curve and more like a leap over a great chasm. I had never truly been required to put my ego, my experiences, and my beliefs aside in order to understand something (or someone) new. Leaping across that abyss, I felt like I was grasping onto mere strands of grass that were the threads of connection between myself and this new environment.

That first evening was spent listening to music, talking about mountain biking, military slang, and feminism. And although our shared love of heavy metal and alcohol went a way to support this new acquaintanceship, you can’t build a deeper connection around it. I couldn’t connect with them, because I didn’t know how.

I was plunged into the deep end of humility, and I was mostly just splashing about and gasping for breath. It was a week of anxiety and insecurity as I tried to orientate myself. The whole experience uprooted my unsteady sense of worth and identity, which had been precariously balancing on my academic achievements and existing friendships. Both of these meant nothing in this new environment.

The value of humility is easily overlooked and misunderstood. It’s often associated with modesty, weakness, even self-loathing. But that couldn’t be further from the truth. Humility - interpreted correctly - is integral to knowing yourself. It means understanding your strengths and weaknesses and being comfortable with them. When you can understand yourself, you can start to understand others.

But I didn’t know myself, and I wouldn’t have been comfortable with who I was either, had I known. I worried what others would think of me if I was seen to fail. Moreover, I was terrified of seeing a version of myself that didn’t live up to the perfection I demanded. It took this confrontation with the unfamiliar to humble me and set me on a more accepting path.

Humility is the door to that intimacy we crave. Being humble means letting go of your preconceived notions about people, and when you do that, you are better able to see people for who they really are. You give them the gift of understanding and the freedom to show their true selves. But to do this, you first need to approach your own identity with a sense of humility. You have to learn to accept your own strengths and limitations - because how can you connect with others, if you aren’t comfortable with yourself? Developing this loving, accepting attitude is absolutely vital to nurturing a humble mindset - and forging truer and deeper connections with others.

Although I had initially struggled to adapt, as time went on I found myself relaxing into that new world. Of course, my journey towards humility wasn’t resolved by the end of that week. I returned to the UK with a confused sense of having experienced something exciting, and the lessons I learnt have been marinating in my brain ever since.

So how can we dip our toes into the pool of humility? It’s a multifaceted concept, and there are so many different ways we can learn and practice. These are a few things I try to regularly remind myself of.

Don’t build your self-worth on external factors

In a world incessantly geared towards productivity and achievement, it’s no surprise that we value our own ability to live up to those standards, but this can be ultimately harmful. I built my self-esteem upon academic achievements, only to discover this was meaningless after I left school. When suddenly plunged into a new world, I had no clue who I really was.

When our self-esteem relies on external values, it only exists as long as those relationships/jobs/projects exist. But when we base our identity on internal values, we create a more stable sense of self. For me, this is the first step I try to take towards truer and more humble connection with others.

Embrace your imperfections

We are all imperfect, all doing our best and trying to learn. Accepting and forgiving ourselves for being human and imperfect is vital before we can accept others as they are too, without expectations or reservations. It’s not always easy, but the more we practice, the better we become.

Get comfortable saying ‘I don’t know’

We’re all afraid of looking stupid or frightened, but it’s okay to admit you don’t know. In fact, when you admit you don’t know, you allow yourself to truly understand. This is true of any learning or life experience, but it’s particularly transformative when it comes to understanding other people. Listen deeply to understand the perspectives of others, no matter how far removed they are from your own, and you may discover something new. In a world which seems increasingly polarised, to be able to connect and search for common ground with strangers is invaluable.

I feel like I’m just tentatively starting out on this journey of humility, but naming this value and taking the first baby steps still feels like a big achievement. Take it slow, be kind to others, and be kind to yourself. Interaction by interaction, we can each individually contribute to make our world a more compassionate place.