Homeward Bound

I am up late. Again. But tonight, it's different.

It's an unusually warm night. There's a breeze; not enough to be disturbing, but enough to make the leaves on the trees rustle, and to make the stars look especially bright. I feel good tonight. I have not had a drop to drink, and I ate a normal meal.

Tomorrow, I have an interview for a job that could change my life. It could be the launching point of something entirely new. This could be the beginning of my real career, if all goes well. And not to sound cocky, but I really think all will go well.

I have been talking to someone new. Getting close to someone in a way I haven't gotten close with many other people. I feel connected to him, in a special sort of way. That does not happen very often with me, but I like the feeling. I can see him being a part of my future, for a long time. It scares me to talk to him, in a way, because in a lot of ways I think he's too good for me. He's tall, he's handsome, he's wildly funny, amazingly intelligent, and, on top of all of that, he's extremely insightful and considerate... he's just an astoundingly good person. I don't know why he has taken such an interest in me, or what I could ever offer someone like him, but I am flattered he has been choosing to spend so much time with me.

I also noticed, that this past Sunday, the world was really beautiful again. I woke up early in the morning (well, early for me), and I went outside and looked around, and was almost taken aback at how blue the sky was, how green the grass was, how nice the temperature was... it seemed like spring. In the early days of February, it felt like spring to me.

Today has been one of the first days in a while where I really feel I am taking a step forward. I feel lighter, I feel happier, and I feel confident. I really feel that my future with this new person is bright and full of potential, that I am going to get this job, and that things are really going to start looking up for me. I feel I'm finally taking steps forward again, rather than stagnating in my own misery. I'm starting to feel like I used to.

I do not want to get my hopes up too high. I don't want to think I'm completely back to normal; I'm opening to letting myself take 2 steps back if I must. I have gotten excited before and gotten knocked down again. But, every step forward is a victory at this point. Today is a day I can look back on and remember when the world goes dark again; I can tell myself to remember how it feels, remember how recently you felt good again.

Because I did. Today, I felt good. I woke up, and finally, after long last, I really felt happy to wake up. I was happy I was waking to this world, alive and well. After months of hating waking up every morning, or feeling nothing at all upon seeing the sunshine out my window. I finally felt happy.

I even felt grateful that all those times I begged for death... all the times I begged whatever higher power is out there to take me out of my misery... I felt grateful that I was overruled. I am starting to see now, and I think I am starting to understand, that people aren't taken from this world until they have served their purpose. Until they have done what they have been sent to do. And I have been dragged through hell and back, beaten, bloodied and bruised. I have felt I have no fight left in me, I have felt useless, I have felt pointless, and I have felt lifeless. But here I am. I am still here. So there must be things I still have to get done. I still have shit to do. So I'm glad I wasn't taken away. Because I have some sort of purpose, and I aim to find out what it is.

Thanks for leaving me behind.