Healing Words Healed My Soul

I fell

I was falling and I didn't know how to get back up the metaphorical cliff of despair.

Here I was, having a day at work and my nurse team leader asked me, " Are you OK? You look so sad."

Looking back, how kind he was to have noticed me. Little old me.

I continued on that day and I was leaning over a bench and then a young female doctor named Wendy playfully hugged the back of shoulders. She giggled and she seemed so pleased to see me. Little old me.

I continued to work and had one of the top knee surgeons call me by my nickname, "Alfie, what's it all about? You're probably sick of hearing that."

"Michael Caine," I answered knowingly. He was right, many patients have said those lyrics to me more than I can recall. Though it never gets old. It always brings a smile to my face.

Appreciate the kind words people say

I learnt this lesson the hard way. The lesson being:

When people say nice things to you, there's a high probability that they mean them.

I received compliments and appreciation from many people but for a while now, I was in a desperate state.

When I was in despair, I fell into a world where I could no longer hear the compliments. I heard the words but nothing came inside me. I felt numb. There was a barrier between me as the receiver and the other who delivered. It was like I was walking in a meaningless dream. What people said, did not matter. What people said, had no meaning.

When people appreciated something I did, I dismissed their thankfulness by internally feeling like what I did was nothing. It was meaningless and didn't deserve the appreciation.

What I was doing was reinforcing feeling of unworthiness. I felt useless and I was in a hopeless state. It was awful.

Healing takes place

In my realization, I sat with my partner and I discovered how I came into this bottomless pit. I teared up as I said, "I am so disconnected. When I hear compliments like you're beautiful, I hear the words but I don't receive them. Deep down, I don't believe you. But if I start believing the words you are saying then maybe I will start to believe that I am beautiful and then perhaps start to act beautifully."

I continued as I began to discover more of my actions. "I didn't appreciate you or feel grateful. " I stopped thanking my partner or giving him any sort of praise. I felt so worthless, nothing inside me was worthy of giving out. I didn't realise how low I was or felt. I have no idea how I came across to people.

My partner said he felt like he was tip-toeing on eggshells. He was afraid to say anything that might cause me offense. It got to a point where I was complaining that he never spent enough time with me. Little did I know that I had started to become quite aggressive toward him. Acting passive aggressively or saying mean and hurtful things which is probably why he wanted to avoid me.

As I soon made more discoveries about my actions. Shame slightly washed over me but it soon evaporated as my partner took my hand in his. He said that he found it hard to receive compliments too. That one of the things he liked about me when we first met was the way I saw him and appreciated him.

7 years later I guess I lost track. Yet, I am thankful and so happy to know I found my back to a well known fact:

That kind words and appreciation can do wonders for people.