Happy New Year!

When I was a kid, I couldn’t imagine my life after the age of twenty-seven. Back then I had planned out every year of my future up until that age. I remember turning twenty-six and still not being able to envision life after twenty-seven. Scary, right? Year after year, prior to my thirties, I lived this life where I attempted to set goals and to plan every detail of my life. In the mist of this programmed mental cycle something within the roots of that thought process changed.

Every twelve months flew by like a train tearing through a peaceful city late night. At the end of each year, I was determined to set new goals for the next year to come per usual. Goals that sounded like, “Starting January 1st, I will become vegan,” or “this year I will purchase a home.” Each time I was optimistic, but nothing ever turned out the way I expected it to. Life always seemed to throw perfectly curved balls my direction.

Failure became so normal that I began mocking the idea of a “New Year Resolution.” What the hell is a New Year Resolution exactly? Who even came up with the concept? And why did I feel so obligated to have one?

I mean every person I knew was either starting their year off with a new diet, new attitude, savings plan, or vowing not to swear anymore. Here I was once again with an overly exhausted perception of this “New Year, New Me” thing . Who knew that an ending and a beginning could cause so much stress on oneself. Is this a Happy New Year?

The Year 2020 was such an awakening year. For the first time ever I was forced to slow down and reflect. I was forced to reminisce on my shortcomings and then it was like the battery charging my thoughts just suddenly died. In that moment I realized I needed some self therapy and self love.

I had been incredibly hard on myself over the past few years. How did I expect myself to accomplish any goal while being such an emotional devil to myself? I was absolutely my worst critique. Every job that I was denied, every dollar wasted, every extra calorie, every heartbreak, and every deadline missed tainted my belief in self. And worst of all I entered into every new year with false expectations and false goals while silently doubting my every move. My outer energy was electric but my inner light was dimmed.

The most embarrassing thing about this epiphany I had is that I am the motivator, the encourager or “the one to catch you when you fall type of being” but I literally allowed myself to fall. The hypocrisy! My gosh! Enough was enough.

A little before the new year I began waking up every morning with a smile on my heart. I had come to the realization that my issue was not with the concept of a “New Year, New me” thought process. It was with how I begin and ended my day to day thought process. So I pushed myself to appreciate the little things and small accomplishments in my everyday life. I incorporated new daily regimens like meditation and positive affirmations while I beautified myself in the mirror every morning prior to work. I learned that I am a empathic individual and that it is imperative that I protect my energy towards my life goals.

A New Year Resolution isn’t about setting unattainable goals. It is about striving to reach your fullest potential of happiness and annually using the end of every year to reflect and analyze your past and the beginning of a new year to reset reasonable expectations for yourself that make you happy.

My New Years Resolution is to remember to love on myself, to practice patience with myself and to forgive myself.

New Year. New Me. Now I know.

-Jasmine Darcell