Growing up with Anxiety and being an Introvert

I am not a very social person, let alone a confidant in myself kind of person. I grew up in a single-parent household like any other person back in the day. I've always been pushed by my family to do my best and nothing less, it was almost like I had immigrant parents. I have always had a very 'quiet' demeanor that got me to be the brunt of jokes at school many times. In middle school, the 6th graders would always pick on me because I was quiet and a little on the heavy side. My nose was always in a book which leads to people calling me an unattractive nerd and I would never interact with most people. In 3rd grade, the first friend I thought I had turned out to only use me because I was really good at drawing. I tried my best to stay away from her and people, but that all came to a head when we got in a fight and I beat her so bad that she moved. I found out that I broke her arm and my mom took me to Chuck E. Cheese, one of my weirdest memories, but my mom saw it as a win for me.

There are more stories like this than I care to admit, but as a child growing up, everyone has their own stories. I have plenty more starting from my pre-school days, all the way up to my 11th grade in high school. As I was bullied over the years I started developing anger issues that would sometimes get out of hand. There was a time in middle school where I got so mad at a student for bothering me that I threw a thick hard covered English book at his head. To this day I'll have to say, yeah he deserved it and I' not all that sorry that I did that. He was a jerk who bothered everyone and a smart mouth who never knew how to keep his mouth shut. Another incident in middle school was when I stabbed a student in the back with a pencil because he wouldn't leave me alone. He was fine afterward, but I still got suspended because of it. I am however sorry for that because I could have told the teacher to move me somewhere else.

Moving on to high school didn't get any better as I would end up beating up anyone who would manage to piss me off or bully my sister or cousin. I would always protect them when they went to school with me, but after they left I was on my own. I still identified as an introvert, but my anger issues started to develop into anxiety over time.

Even though I was an angry introvert I was a very bright student, bright enough to be put into AP(Advance Placement) classes. AP classes are not an easy class and there is a lot of pressure to be at the top with your GPA. With these classes came a lot of sleepless nights and flags from my mom who wanted me to be at the very top. with all this pressure on me and from the past experiences in school I developed crippling anxiety. I developed crippling migraines where at times I was rushed to the emergency room because I couldn't move and every light, sound, and smell made my body shut down. I developed black painful bruises on my sides from carrying all of my heavy textbooks because I made myself convinced that if I went to my locker at any time I would be late for class and would get yelled at. I would constantly have mental breakdowns and crying uncontrollably. I started acting out early in my life, in high school I would lock myself in the bathroom stall throwing up and having panic attacks. It was a dark place inside of me where I admit there were times I contemplated suicide.

All of this put a strain on my relationship with my high school sweetheart, now fiance, and ended our relationship multiple times because I was so unstable to even talk to him. I instead started blaming and screaming at him. He left me for a while I was so upset with him I didn't want to talk to anyone. In fact, my best friend came over and try to talk to me about what was happening to me. My mom was so in a state of denial of my mental state that she said I was just being dramatic. At this point, we had added a baby brother and sister to the family and my mom was getting remarried. I felt forgotten and unimportant at this point like the only thing that mattered to her was my schooling and not my mental health. It came to a point where my now fiance, my closest cousin, and a bunch of my friends came together to try and talk to me. As soon as I walked into the room they started calling me out on my behavior and telling me that I need to seek help. They told me how much they love me and that they will always be there for me no matter what. My now fiance stood by my side and told me that he will never leave me again and to just talk to him. I was so moved by what everyone had said to me that I started to distance myself from school at home that didn't affect my grades or mental health negatively. I started looking for a job and hanging out more with friends and spending more time with my significant other.

It is now 2021 and I have successfully graduated high school with honors, and engaged to a wonderful man, and am now doing better with myself. I still fall back into my own ways sometimes and the love of everyone around me pulls me back. From the beginning, I was always the person to keep to myself, in other words, an introvert. I find it hard to deal with people especially strangers. I think of myself sometimes as a horrible person that doesn't interact with anyone else and it makes me feel like an outcast. I was so busy taking care of me and my sister so she was never emotionally available, I couldn't really blame her as a single mom. My older sister is autistic so most of the spare time my mom had was spend worrying about taking care of us and dealing with my sister's development issues. I don't blame my sister in fact I love her, she isn't as slow as people think she is. she likes to write stories, is really good at math, and is an absolute beast at video games. Because of her I am now an advent gamer and would never have been if she never introduced me to Sonic.

I am only 25 years old now and I don't really interact with people mostly, but being raised in the south I am naturally a greeter and kind when talking. when I talk to people is doesn't really seem like I have anxiety or an introvert, but working in customer service really helped me. All my friends that I have now are just as nerdy as I or I've known them for a long time. they know how I am around people and they respect how I sometimes fall off the grid because I don't want to talk to anyone. I have also had a couple of good experiences with people in the past but at this point, they are few and far between.

My parents are still proud of me and even though I still get teased, I've managed to make a few long-lasting friends. I even have a couple of friends I can call and talk to. My mom and dad are still married and I am more closer to my sibling than I ever was, I love her to death. At this time I am still mourning the loss of my grandmother who was my family's matriarch and my most trust best friend/mother. I am keeping to heart what she taught me in the time she was here and I am still bettering myself. I am in no way perfect or claim to be the best of anything, I am flawed and will continue to be as I go throughout life. I am still learning to love myself and all the scares that mark me because there is only one of me.