Growing Out

So there I was, 11 years old, opening night of “Oliver!” at my primary school. I can still remember the excitement…the nerves! I was playing Mrs Sowerberry, the undertaker’s wife. Not exactly the main part but I had lines, and even a duet with my “husband”! A comical role of sorts with slapstick, a cockney accent and a Victorian style costume to boot. School plays provided me with some of the best memories of my life. And yet, as soon as I turned 18 and began University, I didn’t pursue anything dramatic ever again. That is, until I was 26 and decided I should have a hobby…

After much consideration, I found a group in my home town that was meeting for the first time. It sounded great. Some serious acting was to take place and as this was the primary meeting, I wouldn’t be the newbie trying to integrate an already close bunch! I was incredibly nervous to put myself in this situation. I’d not set foot on stage for at least 8 years and I’m the kind of girl who’s been described as “rude” when you first meet me because I can be so quiet and shy.

But anyway, off I went! Jittery, awkward, and ever so slightly forced to go by my boyfriend, I walked in. After signing up, introductions were made and the standard “get to know you” games ensued. Everyone was friendly, enthusiastic and the age range was so varied that there was no opportunity for anyone to feel too young or too old. All in all, I walked out feeling happy and a little proud of myself for having followed through!

Unfortunately, that high didn’t last for long. The second session fell on a night that I couldn’t attend and somehow this knocked me completely out of my newfound enthusiasm. I felt scared and as though I would have missed something so integral to the process that I could never go back. Being the stubborn person that I am however, I forced myself to give it one more shot.

My second foray into the group turned out to be something unexpected. It wasn’t the same group I’d met on week 1. It wasn’t the same teacher. It wasn’t really even the same theme. We focused on breathing and our voices in a workshop style class where I incidentally managed to do everything wrong. Who knew breathing with your chest was such a bad thing!

And just like that, I no longer wanted to act. It seems defeatist as I’m typing it, but the younger and MUCH more enthusiastic attendees made me feel old, past it and way out of my depth. Jumping about on a stage when you’re 11 compared to my now 26 years is a far different experience. You used to get a script, say your lines, block out your movements and HEY PRESTO you have a show! But actually trying to BE an actress involved something I didn’t realise I was lacking. You have to have grit. The determination to try and fail and try and fail and do it all again. You have to be prepared to look like a fool at times and have giddy passion for improvisation. Perhaps it’s because I’ve been uninvolved in these things for so long, but that love is completely gone.

But as sad as that may seem, to me it is not. I’ve learned something new about myself. I may no longer want to get up on stage and speak to the tune of someone else’s words, but I now know I am perfectly capable of thrusting myself into awkward situations and coming out the other side unscathed. Ticking something off the list that you used to enjoy doesn’t have to be a mournful act, you’re just growing up!

My only questions now is, what do I try next?