Fresh Start

Fresh Start :

Fresh /freSH/

not previously known or used; new or different.

Start /stärt/

the point in time or space at which something has its origin; the beginning.

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I have to keep reminding myself that I am only 22 years old. With a society that continually feeds us overnight success stories, lottery dreams, 'instafame', and so much more- say it with me now: ‘you're only 22 years old’. As a creative, I have dreams of things I want to accomplish, some are way too big for me to do on my own. So instead of pushing myself and trying, I do what every insecure, emotionally unstable young adult does. I hide.

And oh, have I hidden well…

I’ve hidden behind working at a non-profit, designing graphics for my families business, planning events for peers, all while refusing to share my work with anyone or attach my name to anything I’ve worked on. I even moved across the country from people who attempted to push me out of my comfort zone.

I know all this sounds very dramatic, but that’s what it looks like when you don’t realize who you're really hiding from, is just yourself. And when you do realize what you’ve done, it feels like the force of every opportunity you’ve ever neglected to take, comes rushing back at you with full force of regret. And all you can do now is hope that it's not too late

I know, I know, I came in really aggressive but I just really want to tell everyone who will read this is not too late to start over! The year 2020 was a hard year for everyone, but I also think it was a time of reflection, and a realigning of priories. This past year, my health started to decline and I didn't- and still- don’t know why. After countless doctors appointments, tests, calls, and no clear answers- I started to give up and reflect on what my life looks like up until this point. I was so disappointed. Not because of the things I did, but because of the things I didn’t have the courage to do. I’ve written so many poems and songs that have yet to see the light of day, painted murals with an alias, created fake instagrams with my artwork, because I was too afraid of what people might think. I was never about to be fully myself- until I had no other choice.

I no longer had time to put my mask on in the morning, or tuck obsure opinions about how I should live my life in at night. I couldn't do much of anything and sometimes I still cant.

With almost a year under my belt I've gotten a sense of what my body plans to do next, but even that is unreliable. I stopped sugar coating what I wanted and started taking my life into my own hands because I never know when my body will shut down next.

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sometimes i’m in bed for so long that i forget what the rest of my house looks like,

i toss and turn thinking about what to eat next -

knowing that whatever that is has full control over what happens next

sometimes i run to the bathroom so quick it feels like i’m flying

Only moments later hope that I'm not dying from something that doesn’t even have a name yet.

sometimes i’m inside for so long i forget what the sun feels like when it rests on your face

only to be slapped by the sickness direct light brings - distracting myself by breathing in deep

*focus on something

*listen to the birds

*look at the trees

Sometimes I stay awake for so long I forget what day it is- I toss and turn for hours but nothing comes of it - I stop and wonder why all this had to happen to me only for them to fall back to sleep.

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I get a fresh start every couple of weeks. When my body is fully responsive and I feel like I can do anything I put my mind to. As days go past, that doesn't remain the reality physically, but now more than ever it's a priority mentally. I’ve reset my focus, forcing the insecure, emotionally unstable young adult to figure out exactly why she hid for so long. Sharing my creations, not because I want validation, but because I am proud of what I do. And even though I still don’t know exactly what’s happening with my health, I know that when I look back now I will be so proud. Proud of what I’ve accomplished and that my friends and family have finally seen me, in the chaos, - and everything in between.

“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own” Matthew 6:34