Finding Happiness

Happiness is a big notion, people struggle to find it their whole life. What will make you happy? What is it?

I wonder that all the time. They say finding love will make you happy, having kids, having a career... I've found love, I don't feel the need to have kids, and I don't know what I want to do. But I have found love; he makes me very happy and I'm told that should be enough. (I'm not supposed to say 'should' as there's nothing you 'should' do but what you want or have to do.) It's enough for people who are, for the most part, content with themselves and their world. I feel as if it's nearly enough, but I still have a lot of growing up from my childhood to do, both good and bad. I have to get over my overwhelming thoughts of not being perfect, as perfection is an ideal and not a reality. I know all these things, but still don't believe them wholeheartedly.

I also struggle with the fact that I strive to make others happy, while I often let myself take the back burner. I'm always last when it comes to myself and everyone tells me it is bad, but it doesn't get through to me. They say to get over it, change your mindset, flip the page, etc. People will say what they will, they are just words. Those phrases are placeholders, lines we've taught ourselves to say when comforting others. It's not what you want to hear, but it's all they've got to give. Learning that is the hard part and not caring is even harder.

I realize I have to want to be happy and sometimes I don't feel like I deserve it. Why don't I deserve the same happiness most others enjoy so 'easily'? I feel like I'm less of a person, like I'm that bad, I deserve whatever I get. But I'm not a bad person, or not always. I have to remind myself I'm only human, I make mistakes, but then again I remind myself: I don't always have to make mistakes.

I have to keep on trying, sometimes it's easier for me to give up. I didn't get hurt, that's the reward for me. I'd rather not try than do it and not have a good time. They teach you to hold your head high, to not be dumb like the others who fell; trying only harms you, and it's a waste of your time. Somehow, it's never sunk in that there might be beautiful daisies on the other side, you'll see the lake you've always wanted to get to, you'll meet your best friend, your business will work, and you'll be happy.

But I always end up tricking myself into believing I am crazy and need to be examined under an ultra-powered microscope; they need to dig around in my brain, I should take the antidepressants... I should, shouldn't I? No, or perhaps in my own time once I've exhausted all other efforts. I'm not crazy and I mustn't dwell on the fact that I'll never fully know.

I can be better and take the steps everyday to be better. Eat better, get sleep, meditate, breathe, and relax. I just need to make the effort. I have to want to make the effort for myself because I am who I am. I am all I'll ever possess and I have to be happy with me.