Every Good Thing Is Counted

I've had a bit of a setback. It's very easy to sink back into old habits, especially if you're having trouble getting back to a semi-regular sleeping pattern. I found even if I had the motivation to do anything it would be too late at night to do it, particularly as I live with other people. I don't think there's an easy solution to it, other than to keep trying. I finally broke it by staying up 24 hours and then finally going to sleep at an early time, and then forcing myself to get up when my alarm went off. For a few days I was still pretty lethargic.

But I'm proud to say, it got better. The last week I have been getting up between 9 and 10 in the morning, and getting out of bed by 11 at the latest. It's still not as good as I aim to be, but it's a great start and I'm actually able to do things during the day. The hardest part is actually making myself go to bed before 1 in the morning, because I'm not used to it! I just want to stay up and watch Netflix, and it is a genuine struggle to just turn it off and go to bed.

Of course even though I'm starting to get things done, I'm not moving as quickly as I had hoped. It turns out when you've spent years doing nothing at all every day and never expending any physical energy, your stamina is non-existant! Who'd have thought? So yesterday for example, I vacuumed my room and washed my sheets. That's all I did, but by the time I finished vacuuming, I was red in the face, utterly exhausted, and feeling nauseous. So that was all I could get done yesterday. And I had to be okay with that.

It's pretty demoralizing realising exactly how unfit you are. I mean, I wasn't oblivious, I knew it took it out of me just changing the cat litter or walking around the shops for an hour or so, but I guess I hadn't really faced it. Exercise has never been a big priority for me, I hate sports, and walking is fine if the scenery is nice, but I live in a small dying town and it's pretty gloomy surroundings. So I've avoided it. And combined with my dreadful diet it's taken a massive toll. I've got a treadmill in my home, ready to be used, and my next goal is to just... use it. Even if it's only a few minutes at a slow pace, it's a start and that's what I have to keep doing. Years of living like this means that I won't be making any big leaps and bounds in any area of my life, and I have to celebrate the small victories.

And while I've been struggling with the physically draining things, I've also been trying to tackle the emotional kind too. For me this means trying to write again. Inspiration hasn't struck - and since it hasn't in the last six or seven years, it figures it probably isn't going to happen by itself. They say you just have to write, anything, badly. The perfectionist in me rails against this, and even browsing writing prompts makes me feel terrible; I don't want to write these things. But I'm trying to push past that because it doesn't matter if I don't love it, I've just got to get back into the rhthym of writing every day.

So my goals for this week - aside from getting through my dentist appointment tomorrow, wish me luck - are to use the treadmill and to write something besides a blog post! And also to celebrate my victories; this week, waking up on time, doing some cleaning, eating a piece of fruit here and there. Every good thing you do is counted!

- Lyndsay