Enough Is Enough

If I know myself at all I know that when I get feelings of hopefulness and faith towards a healthy future for myself, I say, this won't last.

This isn’t real, this is all just a part of the rapid cycling emotions and none of it will last.

Well, guess what guys? Enough is enough.

Enough getting in your own way. Enough dreaming of what life could be like and make it happen, as my dad says, “Today’s the day.”

These feelings don't have to end, this can be real. This is real... When life gets harder, have faith and just talk to "him","her","it", whatever power greater than yourself you choose to believe in. Enough with the “what if’s?” What if she/he’s not even real? What if she/he doesn't even hear me? What if this is all a bunch of craziness that made people feel better eons ago so they ran with it?

Who cares what's true and what's not, the overall fact is faith within a power higher than one's self has set people free from fear, from uncertainty, and from self. There will always be people in life that will judge and have their obligated opinions whether we asked for them or not, but the days of beating up yourself inside and out because you feel like you're not like the rest of the world are over. Why should we want to be like everyone else anyway? If we were created to all be the same and think the same and look the same then we would. But we weren’t, we weren't for a reason. Growing up I always thought if you believed in god you had to go to church every Sunday and you had to dress conservative and couldn't swear and had to be some version of a perfect person. I always thought if you were a bad mom you had to do drugs and have an excessive drinking problem and anger issues. I thought a lot of things as a child and even into my young adulthood. What I’m learning is there is no perfect reasoning for anything. I do believe there is a reason for everything but I also believe that we don't always need to know what that reason may be.

Today, I am able to confidently say I am grateful to be alive. Me, out of all people am grateful to learn, explore and live this life. I don’t know if you know this but I’ve been praying to die, praying not to wake up the next day since I was nine years old. It would frustrate and anger me inside when people would tell me how beautiful I am or how much potential they see in me. It made me so upset because the number of people who told me otherwise overpowered their words. The few that told me I was worthy of this life, I really struggled to listen to them. In the halls of elementary, middle, and multiple high schools their words screamed through me. “I cant be friends with the fat girl sorry,” “I’d date you if you weren't so fat, that's why I chose your friend,” “You shouldn't wear stripes, it makes you fatter than you already are,” the list of negativity goes on and on but enough is enough. Screw the people who made me feel that way for so long. Painfully engraving that shit in my head did more damage than they'd ever know. I think as a child it's much easier to realize what you don’t have opposed to what you do. Things could have been better growing up, but they could have been much worse at the same time. No, I didn't have tons of friends in school. It was hard for me to make friends moving around so much and I was already doing the thinking for them and telling myself there wasn't a point in even trying because they wouldn't like me anyway. They all saw what they wanted to stare at on the outside, wearing that same men's Abercrombie sweatshirt for weeks on end. What they don't know is how hard my mom worked to be able to save up to buy me something from the store I always gazed at walking by. Having to wear men because I didn't fit into the girls/woman's sizes. I will forever remember that day, I was exploding with excitement and uncontrollable smiles and I screamed so loud I couldn't hold it in, holding my mom so tight saying thank you to her who knows how many times. All because of a sweatshirt. I'm not sure if I thought people would like me now or I’d miraculously fit in now I have this. Funny how after all the excitement, it ended up making me a larger target than I already was.

Clearly I can go on and on with the grade school experiences but what I was trying to get at was I wish I was more appreciative for all those nights with dinner on the table and roof over my head, regardless of brand names I always had clean clothes on my back. My mother is far from perfect and still today, in her own ways, she struggles but as a single mother working every hour she wasn't doing something for me, for her I am grateful. My father I’m grateful for as well. Although he wasn't living with us and I saw him twice a month, he wasn't some deadbeat self-centered dad. My dad is one of the best people I will ever have in my life. Looking back and being older now, I’m able to forgive him for making a necessary decision about fifteen years back now. He had left but he needed to. I never realized what I know now, if he stayed I would not have the father I have today, if one at all. Being powerless over the disease it was going to kill him, if not someone else. Gratefully, my father has become a healthier, perfectly imperfect, sober father.

All in all, I’m twenty years old now and finally want to live my life. I never, never ever thought that I would be saying that, okay.

I want to learn how to get better and help others strive. I want to explore this amazing world and see nature's beauty. I want to live this life that I do not own, I have no idea what could happen to me or anyone else next. In this life we live, I’m learning to expect the unexpected. Not to take anything for granted, all of this is much easier said than done but it's all work in progress. There's absolutely no such thing as the perfect human being. Each and every one of us has things we could work on to better ourselves, the Jenner/Kardashians included. They may have the money, cars, and clothes. If we removed all materialistic views from any of our views on anyone, would they still be “perfect”? Would they still be the people we’d want to be like? They still argue with each other, they have people in their families substance problems, mental illness, and natural stress from whatever they have going on in their lives. They're not perfect because there is no such thing. They aren't any better than the homeless, the middle-class single parents, the people working at BP, the list is endless.

Today I am grateful to accept my insecurities and accept the person I am and know that while in the process of becoming a nurse, a better daughter, a healthier friend, a mother someday... doesn't have to be a dream anymore. I am capable of anything. I can be what I want to be and have the power to live the life I want to live. No one said it would be easy, not at all. But with faith, it doesn't have to be untamable, unrealistic or impossible. Enough is enough, today I chose to let the words of those who put me down and belittle me, motivate me to continue and prove them all wrong.

Enough is enough.