Ended Love

When I started this journey, I had no idea. In a lot of ways, I’m still discovering myself. I know what I don’t like. I know what I won’t do. I know all my do nots and will nots. But taking the time to discover who I truly am has been the hardest challenge.

For years, I’d hear that I’m not good enough or that I don’t do enough or that I’m not worthy enough. I would hear the opinions of others and completely disregard the opinions I placed on myself.

I didn’t find myself courageous or proud. I never applied a smile to my face that was simply mine to wear but rather always something to hide who I didn’t want to be. I didn’t want to be depressed or sad or emotional or fighting with the people around me. However, no matter how hard I fought, I still found myself failing at things I was already being told I was a failure in. I found a lot of confusion too though. Trying to figure out what I was doing so wrong. Trying to figure out what I was saying so wrong.

You see, we live in a society right now where people can say you did wrong but can’t put into words what you wrong. For me, I find that people do this when they want something they cannot have or when they are harboring a jealousy bug or even simply because they don’t want to see you doing better than them. In some way, shape or form you’ll always encounter people who only want to see you doing the bare minimum. Too much of anything can kill you though. And this is a concept that is overlooked in many areas of our lives. We’re told that if you want more things, you have to work more. Or if you need something you have to sacrifice something. Most of the time, that’s our time and energy.

So what does any of that have to do with who I am? This all molded me into who I am. I come from being a people pleaser. I wanted to be surrounded all the time by family and friends. More so, in an attempt to escape my own reality. I had a very hard time getting over the hump of attention seeking, of being so needy of people. Like, don’t get me wrong, we all need someon. We all eventually need a hug, someone to talk to or just the simplicity of having company from time to time. I was uncomfortable being by myself. I had to face the rejections of my past. It started with being molested. The lack of defense and support I received at the time left me feeling like I had done something wrong. I dealt with the strings of being told I was lying, I just wanted attention, even that I was too young to know what it meant to be molested.

Once I started to uncover the fact that I am indeed broken from childhood, I was able to answer questions on my own about my past. I found ways to express myself, for myself. I don’t like the feelings of depression. My depression led me to suicidal thoughts. Led me to drinking unhealthily. Led me to smoking marijuana to cope with the hurts. Led me through unhealthy sexual patterns to find some way to feel loved. I started to get to the point where nothing helped, especially if I wasn’t doing it all together. For 13 years, drinks, sex, and smoking was all I had on my agenda. What changed? I wanted better.

As the pandemic took place, I found myself still going back and forth. I was told that I lacked self control. I was impatient. I’ve heard selfish and unemotional. Told that in certain circumstances that I had to hide my feelings because that’s how you’re supposed to live. Expect for things to go wrong so that when things don’t go right you don’t feel anything towards it. To cope with everything, staying high was my strength. For the longest.

It was easier for me to smile when I didn’t notice I was smiling. I’d try to find other ways to cope but it all felt forced if I wasn’t high. The only way I could tolerate everything, I had to be high. Even simple conversations. Anything sober, I had issues. I fought with myself daily. Finding that every situation was a threat. Everyone is a threat. Sometimes I still feel that way. I’d go days without responding to people or reaching out. Sometimes months, even years. My own Bestfriend went 3 years without even hearing from me to know I was at least okay. Weed always numbed me. Death in the family, my anxiety, stress, the migraines I fought with because of my stress and anxiety, my insomnia which was my biggest issue. Any pain I was in would be tolerable for the time being. I didn’t feel the negative emotions that only made me want to cry. It kept me from sulking deeper into depression, a number of times. I’ve actually lost count. Its helped me through situations I knew I shouldn’t have been in. Weed was my broke Bestfriend. If I felt anything starting that I didn’t want to feel I’d roll a blunt. I always knew it was a problem but it was the only way I could make it through. And it was MY problem. I never allowed myself to be in a position where I couldn’t support myself financially so I barely went without, 2 days at most, but it did make me make poor decisions. My phone for one. I stopped caring about paying my bill. My phone barely rung anyway. The people who needed to get in touch with me knew how so fuck that bill, that’s money I could get high with. That’s how I thought. I made no excuses but I also didn’t tell the truth about why I smoked or even started. When people would ask, I would just say I guess I’m an addict, I just like to be high. It hurt too much to explain the things I’d been through which lead to it. Especially without making it seem like I’m just blaming someone else for my issue. I find myself still trying to hide what I’ve been through.

When I decided that something had to change, literally everything changed. I had to stop caring how people would view me, what people would say about me. I ask myself occasionally if I can truly do this? Am I truly worthy enough to create a better life, a better future for myself and generations to come? And how exactly do I do that? Where do I begin?

For years, I would bury and hide how I feel. Aggresion built itself up unintentionally but still I remained who I am. Nothing ever broke me. In some aspect, I feel I do carry some of the traits people I was surrounded by carry. I’m quick to anger, I judge when I shouldn’t, I condemn when I shouldn’t. However, on this journey I’m learning to correct these things within myself.

So many times I’ve heard people say to me that I wouldn’t make it in life. That I would fail because I didn’t listen to them. Or, had I done things their way I’d be further in life.

I’ve lived a life where I lied to myself to make the people who hurt me look better. Taking into account that maybe they weren’t properly loved. I’ve elevated to understand that while everyone goes through shit, it’s no one’s responsibility to take bullshit. I let things go because it’s not for me to judge but only to do right going forward within myself. It takes a lot to admit how we can change or that we even need to change. It takes even more to be the change. I hate what I’ve been through but it’s not a reason for me to put anybody else through it!

I found ways to break away from the norms I was constructed into. The norms of giving up who you are to fit who people want you to be. I set boundaries and expect people to give them the same respect that I do. I started to love myself more. I learned to find the beauty in life and become grateful for where I am and what I have. I ended the path of suffering and lonely tears at night. Ended the love of hurt and stress. Ended the excitement of neglect and abuse. Ended the supply of pain and weakness.…