Don't Wait for Life to Change!!!

When I was a young kid, it was not easy for me. I woke up everyday as thought that one day the world we live in would accept me for being me. I was the always that one kid that everyone liked to make fun of, tease and bully. I was the one that was always sitting at the lunch tables all by myself, because no one wanted to sit with me. I was the one that other kids would pull nasty pranks on, like put stuff in my food, or make me sit at the table where the birds liked to take a dump on. No one tried to figure me out, even the teachers would say, "They are kids, it is only a phase." No one, even my family knew how painful it was to be that one person everyone picked on. When I went to my mom and told her what heppend, she told me I did it to myself and that I probably deserved it.

I knew with my whole heart that I am a very good person but easily 100% misunderstood, CLARLY. I lived everyday of my life, hoping that one day someone would figure me out and find that I am acutally a really good person, underneath the typical Asian mom fashion, and loser labled mantality. As I sit alone everyday throughout my entire elementary, middle and high school career, hoping something will change, it didn't. Nothing changed, things just got worse to the point where people would beat me up and push me against lockers. It lead to several debilitating mental illnesses, and a permenent "bitch face," the one I still have imprinted on my face today. It was very painful emotionally to feel that no one as on my side.

When I was about 9 years old, my mom was married to a man who I will forever call my dad. He was the first person who noticed that there was something bothering me. He noitced that I was so different from the little girl that he met when my mom started to date him. I remember, he came into my room and sat me on his lap and asked me what was bothering me. I broke down 100% to him and that alone took a lot of the weight off my shoulders. That one moment, I knew that someone actually cared about how I was feeling about being bullied so bad. I now know that someone was going to be here to listen to me and that felt really good. But it did not fix much of my actual problem.

With all of this being said, my dad did not feel like he can fix my world with just talking to him, because he knew that what was happening was deeper than anyone knew. So he took me to get professional help. The psychiatrist diagnosed with every single learning disability known to man, as well as sever depression, sever anxiety issues, and PTSD from the years of physical and mental abuse from home and school. After years of metnal help, we found out that it started out way before school even strated.

When I was 2 years old, I was thrown out of a moving van. It was the 80's so there was no seatbelt laws. Apparently, I was out of my seat and I was playing with the door handle. The door swung open and I fell out causing me to fall out and that caused permenent damage to the left side of my head, which means the cognitive learning and thinking was impaired. That was what lead to me haveing all kinds of learning disabilities and why I had no control of what I did during my school years. I recently found this out in my late 30's. Now, that I have fund this out, so what did I do, but start to research on how I can rebuild my brain.

At the age of 37, I decided to make some changes in my life, and decided to stop hiding behind all of these mental problems. This is when I stared to do thinks my way and not anyone elses way. I learned the hard way that you cannot expect the world to accept you especially with mental issues. You have to change your ways to be accepted into the world. Even though I have developed a fear of the outside world, because of all of the mental and physical abuse I have endured over the years. I have decided to change myself from the inside out, and share it to the world through social media and platforms like this.

I have lived everyday of most of my life wanting people to like me for me, but what I realized is that I was not 100% me through my school years. I was the me that my mom wanted me to be, the me that would pretend to be the person everyone else would want me to be, or the me that was hiding my brain damage. That was not the real me. The real me is the mom that my kids brought out of me, the one who has so much love and passion that can be shared with hundreds of people. The easy going free flowing spirited person, who makes everthing fun, even the bad things. My kids are the people who has changed me the most.

Now that I am okay with myself with my inside bubble, I am in the process of fixing myself, to the point were I can stand on my own with the outside world. With that all said and done, my current therapist and I decided to work together on a book to tell the world who I am and who I have always been. I found that as a huge step into the adjusting myself to fitting into this world that I was once scared of, because of the things that has happened while I wait for the world to accept me.

After all of this, it does not matter to me anymore if the world accepts me at all anymore. The truest disere is the fact that I found a way to accept myself for who I truely am. What I have learned after 37 years is that I am more than what people around me give me credit for and knowing that makes me feel like I am a more acceptable person than I ever was in the past 37 years. Now that I am going to be 38 on November 24th, I also feel like I am more me than ever, because I have changed my mindset to meet life. I am not waiting for anything anymore.

💜 Chrissy Heart 💜