Do you ever wake up with an anxiety that paralyzes you with fear?

Do you ever wake up with an anxiety that paralyzes you with fear? A feeling that sends your heart racing, and your mind on repetitive thoughts of lack. Somehow, you thought that this morning would be different, you made sure to be grateful before closing your eyes the night before, and did your best to be hopeful. Just like the day before, and the day before that, you are on a merry-go-round of sadness, fear, anxiety, and anger. When will this stop? What more can I do to take action for my happiness?

I hide my anxiety with a smile. I am in perpetual motion, never slowing down to feel the trauma from my past, or deal with the fears of my future. I am the first to try something new, be a shoulder of support and a hustler who takes on responsibilities. At times, I am set on cruise control tackling one task after the other, succeeding at all, but never seeing the abundance of any.

I am blessed, I know I am. God gave me the strength to raise my children alone, and face one traumatic event after the other, always emerging stronger and more self-aware. I am a doer, a giver, and many times a victim to my internal voice that tells me “I am not enough.”

Well, how could I be enough? My marriage was an EPIC fail, marked with years of self-hatred and remorse. Relationships? Ah well, I failed at those too, even when I gave my whole heart. And now, I see other couples traveling, holding hands, supporting each other, and having that person to share their life with. I’m pissed off! I feel suffocated with anger at times. I would never divulge this to anyone because I love to see people happy, but that small part of me is jealous. I am wondering why God did not feel that I deserved this natural-born right to be loved.

Truth be told, my walls are so high around my heart, I’m not sure anyone would be able to unlock that gate. I want to scream “HELLO!” I’m tired of struggling financially, often working 2 to 3 jobs to make ends meet. I’m tired of being the sole parent never knowing what it feels like to have that emotional support or just being able to give my children that family unit. I am tired of waking up to an empty bed when I have so much love to give! Most of all, I am tired of being lonely.

I’m scared that writing down all of these negative thoughts will solidify my outcome, I know how the law of attraction works – your thoughts become reality. Don’t get me wrong, I laugh all of the time. I am always grateful, and forever a student of life striving to be a better person, but I am exhausted!

I suppose God puts the strong ones through the greatest trials. He gets you ready to receive your blessing after many tribulations. I must be receiving a HUGE blessing of abundance because I have had a heck of a time!

At the end of the day, all I know is that as sad as I feel at times, I make sure that when my feet hit the floor, I say “thank you.” I don’t stay stuck in bed, I force myself to move, to exercise, and that builds momentum to believe in happiness. I never stop taking action even when I fail because failure is a necessary stepping stone for success.

If you’re reading this and anxiety consumes you, just get up and move, take a deep breath, and realize YOU ARE ENOUGH! Life has twists and turns, pitfalls, and triumphs. Find something to be grateful for and build on that. Remember that everyone has struggles no matter what it seems like on the outside or social media. You can accomplish anything with a simple vision or a dream, and loneliness is temporary. I am the first to admit that I can get swallowed up in my negative self-doubt or questions as to why I get the raw end of the deal but I eventually let it go. You are unique, you are beautiful, you are wild and you are God’s treasured life. Take all of the anxiety as fuel to pursue your happiness no matter how many years have gone by or how many mountains you’ve climbed.

Anxiety is just a fork in the road, keep driving through it, keep fighting every day, put yourself first and listen to your heart. One day you will wake up with a smile.