Do or Do Not Is A Load of Crap

If you know me at all, you know I've been trying to get healthier for about half a year now. Eating better, drinking more water, and of course, exercising. And if you know me at all, you know I have a lot of trouble sticking to things.

So, I had an idea.

Telling my friends and family to hold me accountable doesn't work.

But what about you guys?

What if I promise to write a post in say, about a month, sectioned week by week? Might that hold me to a higher standard? Might that push me just enough to finally stick through to the end?

I don't think I'll be perfect. Might miss a day or two, but I want to try.

So, starting this week, on Monday, August 30th, starting today, I am going to implement a few changes in my life.

But before I tell you what those changes are, you're probably wondering, why am I doing this?

We all have the goal of getting healthier and improving our lives, but for me, it's more than that.

Yes, I'm insecure about my body, and yes, I do wish I was thinner, but no, that is not my main goal. I accept my body because it tries and it works (most of the time) and it takes care of me and I owe it a debt to take care of it too.

But that's also not why I'm doing this.

If you don't know, I have chronic fatigue. And it's stopped me from working, caused me hassles in college, and prevented me from achieving one of my passions: dance. I'm weak and I feel broken all of the time. I let my body go in high school because I had to to survive and now I'm suffering the consequences.

But that's not why I'm doing this either.

So why?

These are all good reasons. Get healthier, stronger, maybe through gradual exercise therapy, help with my second most pressing disability.

And they're part of it. Of course, they're part of it. But they're not everything.

See, the thing is, my therapist once asked me to write about who I wanted to be like I was writing a character sketch. And I did.

And that girl, she was strong-willed, confident, determined, and beautiful on the inside. She didn't care what others thought and she lived for herself. She lived her best life and wasn't perfect, not by a long shot, but she tried. And it was enough.

And that's why I'm doing this.

Because I am that girl already. I have a damn strong will., confidence needs a little work, but I'm getting there, determined to a fault, and I am so beautiful on the inside, even with all my darkness, I still find pockets for love and compassion. And I try. I try as hard as I possibly can and I often overdo it. But the point is that I try.

You know that thing that Yoda said?

"Do or do not. There is no try."

Well, that's a load of crap.

Because the end goal is not the real goal. The real goal is the journey. To learn, to discover, to observe and examine, to reevaluate, to grow, to change, to become more you, to realize who you actually want to be.

Who you want to be, you'll never really get there. That perfect, ideal depiction of yourself you have in your head, that's the 'do' here, and it's never gonna happen.

But the try…the try is everything. If you always try, always seek to improve, always work to better yourself while still knowing who you are right now is enough, then you've figured it out. It's almost an oxymoron, but it's true.

And the 'do not', that's when you don't try. That's when you think, "I'll never get there, so why even attempt? I know I'll fail." And yes, you probably won't get there. And yes, you will fail, a lot. But that's not the point.

You see, the thing about living is that it's not about the end. It's about what you do along the way.

And I think we all need to take a moment to soak that in.

So what are you going to do along the way?

Me, I'm going to try.

My Plan

First off, no schedule cause I know I don't do well with them and I won't stick to it. I'll get to it when I get to it. And hopefully, that's around the time I plan, but if it's not that's okay too.

Step #1 Meditation

This is an important one for me. Meditation doesn't work for everyone (for example, my brother with his dissociation and ADHD), but it has really helped me in the past to decrease my anxiety, my negative thoughts, and increase my overall mood and confidence. I want to implement a 5-10-20-30 minute routine, going up each week in the morning before everything gets started, to clear the air, give me strength, and help me understand where I'm at right now and where I want to be by the end of the day.

Step #2 Little exercises

I've tried big ones, swimming laps in the mornings, jogging, going for long walks. They don't work for me right now. I can't stick to them; they cause me anxiety, and there's a 50/50 chance they'll trigger my chronic fatigue.

Little exercises though, most on the floor work, with no fancy equipment or cardio (the main trigger for my CFS [chronic fatigue syndrome]), I shift the focus from weight decrease to muscle building, and that's more important to me. The solution is the help with the CFS, not lose weight (that's an added bonus if it happens), so I'm going to focus on little achievable things that will build up into big results.

Step #3 Drink 140 oz of water a day. (That's seven cups of my 20oz water bottle.)

The reason for this is fairly obvious. It healthy. It's good for your body. Etc.

And I also get headaches when I don't drink enough water (which I almost never do), so that's a big motivator.

Step #4 Eat better

This is vague, but it's supposed to be. I don't have a lot of time to cook meals. I often don't have the energy to cook meals. Lunch is usually something with a lot of carbs and little health benefits. I've been implementing protein shakes/smoothies in the morning, so that's a start. But I also want to implement more vegetables, more fruit, and more intention into my eating.

Intention here is key. I don't want to just mindlessly devour food. I want to eat because I know it's good for me, because I know I need it to operate, and I know it will help my body. I want to eat for a purpose, not just because I have to. And sometimes that purpose will be because it tastes good. And that's intention, and that's enough (even if it shouldn't be the intention all the time). The point here is that I'm not eating to eat. I'm eating with intention to better myself. I'm eating with intention to be grateful for my body. I'm eating with intention to give back to myself.

If you couldn't tell, I'm big on intention (comes with being into modern witchcraft).

Step #5 Do my dance homework

This one is a little out of the blue, but it's a goal of mine. I love dance and I want to be better at it and this is the way to get there, so that means stretching, practicing, and honing my abilities.

Step #6 Read every day

I love reading. I am an avid bookworm. I devour books like candy.

But sometimes I lapse. I get caught up in life and I struggle to do the things I love.

I want to get back to that, to this. I want to get back to my comfort, my home, to what saved me in dark times. I want to get back to my soulmate and lover: books.

And that about wraps it up

6 little steps and 1 big plan.

I'm going to implement this every day for four weeks and I'll log my journey.

And when I come back to tell you all about how it went, you better be ready for a lot of mishaps and struggles and tales of woe, but also a heck of a lot of trying.

And that's what I set out here to do.

Try.

So, ask yourself now, what are you going to do to get a little closer to that person you always wished you could be?

How are you going to try?