Difficult Life

"Life is never easy, but we have to make the best of it."

How we life when we are married and it feels like our spouse thinks money grows on trees. You true to support him and believe in him. But nothing will ever make a difference. Not having friends to speak to and vent to can be lonely at times. I feel like at times I've traded one price for another. Most people would call this a marriage. Staying at home all the time is making me depressed. And I can't even say anything because he makes it all about him. I don't feel happy anymore yet as long as the money keeps flowing everything in this house is thrilled.

I keep on thinking I'm happy sometimes but for the most part hear I am not happy. I miss driving, eating without struggles, I miss smoking and talking with my friends, building a future.

I feel like I'm at a stand still where only I can stop it all and take control over my life.

Seeing how my husband is treated by his mom never finding the encouragement he so craves I thought to myself dude just do your own shit ignore her. I feel like I can ever have a real conversation with him. I feel like we did great independently this house is suffocating me. She is to much like the old man, I think the reason why I see my grandma she is protecting me from going crazy from all the triggers I have to ignore just to survive this hell hole.

I get so tired of taking insults from my mother in-law saying I stink when I clearly smell better then her. How is possible after a shower she comes back inside smelling like she never even showered?

My mother in-law is complaining about me not showering enough. I shower every other day if I shower every day my body dries out and my psoriasis worsens. Her reply was,

"I am aware of your skin condition, Emily just go in the bathroom water and soap pass it on your body."

It upsets me yet if I don't say anything my husband gets upset if I do. It's "drama" for him.

She checks on me several times seeing if I am washing my body, "Emily shower."

"No, I told I have a skin condition I showered yesterday."

I can't stand this woman half the time, when the person who smells comes out of the shower goes upstairs and I face my fear of that god inferno bridge. I can't stand this why do I put up with this? When I don't have to. I will tell you why I don't have the money yet to go back to my country and I'm stuck in this house taking the ramblings of a mad woman taking her hurtful words, why do I have to?

What happened to Petra to make her the way she is? Her words hurt. Why is she so insensitive? I daydream of a final showdown with her a lot. But until the hubs decides he doesn't desire his mom's approval or respect something he will never receive I have to put up with this.

He don't want any "drama" from me. It's not drama it's defending myself from being disrespect. But when she said these things complaining about the smell in the living more does she know how many times she farts surprised she still has a nose. Yet the smell she doesn't think of the septic tank, the endless smells in their bedroom, or the smells of animal shit and yarn around this place. Of course she doesn't think about that. It's automatically pointed at moai.

It was a hot day in Saint Lucia and I didn't even smell it was my hubby because he sweats a lot. Telling my friends in America about her they ask how do I put up with it. I said I think of my husband, not her.

When I had a major panic attack my husband wasn't really helpful. He kept yelling at me, while I panicked my mind shifted over the store we went to everything shifted. You see in Saint Lucia everything is so damn expensive and majorly overpriced. My mind shifted over our disagreement in the store, and every disagreement we ever had over and over again. I felt as though I couldn't breath and because I always already sick I had did something embarrassing in my pants. It hurt that he wasn't supportive when I had a panic attack. It was like having a panic attack in my sleep. This was by far the worse panic attack I ever had in my life.

I tried telling my friend about my panic attack but she ignored my comment in messenger. It doesn't matter to me anymore.