Damn, Triggers.

My heart skipped a beat and before I knew it, I had completely shut down.

Unlike other things in my life, I can pin point the exact moment I learned to shut down my emotions; It was the moment my baby brother cried in my arms , as he was being taken away from me, it was the moment I saw my baby brothers in the distance with a family that was not ours.

My brother had a fight at school, my mother noticeably frustrated with her own issues, found drugs in his pants and without hesitation, she stormed into the shower: she threw all the drugs on him, I don't remember if it was weed or something white, whatever it was, she threw it all on his wet skin; I know because I saw it all through the wide open door.

I thought he was checking my fever; until his hands started checking other body parts; I was quiet, my headache, my fever, my body froze; time stopped. I don't remember feeling anything but confusion.

When they spoke, everyone was to be quiet; every decision was suddenly taken, no explanation given, no prior notice; I was now responsible for my younger bothers and myself, I was only 13.

Healing is not a one shot deal, you don't go into a room and come out as a whole new person; it takes time and it is the most frustrating because at times it might feel like a sabotaging scene. The first two years of my journey, I was literally running away from alignment, I was afraid of who I would become if I taken the wheel of fortune into my own hands, I was scared to confront who I've been to the people I love, who I was to myself.

I can only compare triggers to a mirror reflection, it comes out of nowhere and it hits harder than bricks; I couldn't talk, my chest felt pressed and my mind became silent, as I heard chattered, I felt my face hot, my tears forming but my pride, my pride dry them up because crying in front of someone is the utmost self disrespect.

I was raised to see emotions hidden away as careless gems; crying was not prohibited but it was looked down on and we all knew it, my brothers were told "men don't cry" while I was told, "crying is weak"; my whole life I feared crying in public, even with people I was comfortable around, tears would form and I would hide my face: until the day I had to relived the most horrific moments in my mind in order for Psych-K to work and my screams together with the streams of tears running down my face proved my heartbreak for the first time without hiding.

In part, my inability to be vulnerable with myself and others has enable me to fully trust and connect with someone; with myself. I don't think it was me getting rape, or my mother getting machete in the middle of the road that made me emotionally unavailable, I think it has been a cycle within our family for centuries and now, now that I am breaking free of those cycles, now I can look my mother in the eyes and truly forgive her for everything I blamed her for.

Clams are the homes of pearls; a mollusk is only able to begin the pearl making process naturally or with the help of humans when it reaches it's mature age. Pearls are not made overnight, healing especially in this world, with so many distractions can be hard, harder when we struggle to find the tools to help us, or when we struggle to find healing in silence.

Finding healing in situations or/and relationships that might had scarred us can be difficult but it is possible, the best part about healing and opening up the clam is that we find a beautiful pearl waiting to show off it's color, waiting to breathe in the mystic air, just waiting to be acknowledged.

XOXO

Lucy