Damn, Core

I am not sure if I should be writing right now; I am angry, disappointed, I am hurt and the only thing that can soothe me is the thought of how far I've come, the resounding quote " everyone is on a different time line " is the reason I am trying to put my energy into something fruitful instead of something a little more dangerous: I want to numb this pain so bad.

Throughout all this self love journey, my mother has been a core component, and I've worked around her so many times, this time I've hit heart walls that are made of cement, and today as the tears ran to hide under my cheek, I realized that all this time I've been trying to protect her by hurting myself, all the times she chose someone else instead of me, the time she had the daughter in law she hates the most be in her weeding instead of her own; I've always found a reason to not resent her but today, it was impossible to think of one, as she argued her way out of the conversation, I saw the most narcissist individual I know; it burned like a hand on the stove.

I am between talking through it and giving up on trying to change who she is; I mean is being 33 years of constant disappointment, priorities are ever changing as we all know, to her, priorities are as selfish as they come; was she always like this? in he world turn of her childhood, my heart wants to believe that she was never taught to love, to give and receive love, and it makes me cry because I want her to come into this healing energy, I want her to understand how much she is valued, how much she is loved: but that's the thing about the self healing journey isn't it? the hard fact that everyone is on a different time line.

I left my soul in a cemetery December 2019, I heard you cry for him too; he was your dad, the soldier that made you into this hitman; but he was my hero in every sense, his love kept my lungs full of air, his protection was my grounding soil; we were not crying for the same type of love. Did the jealousy start there? was it my fault that I was his favorite grand kid? was it my fault that your lover took my innocence? was it my fault that you had two more kids after an operation? was it my fault that it took you so long to find love, mom? was it my fault that he gave me his last name but not his legacy? do I look like him? is that why you hate me so much? is it hate? is it disappointment, is it the fact that you never got a happy ending with the one you actually wanted?

I would never ask you these questions to your face, I would never be able to stand up to you and hurt you, after all, you are the blood running through my veins and though most of it I am working on, I have all these characteristics, all these reflections on the mirror that remind me how much of you I am, how much of you I carry.

This is not a hate letter to my mother, this is a "I love you regardless of how much you've hurt me" hurt people, hurt people and even though my entire life I took care of your young heart, this time, I am not sure I can keep disregarding this pain I feel whenever you lie to my face, whenever you chose someone other than me, whenever you make up a scenario to not have the conversations I need to have, which end up in writing; will I ever read you this one? would you ever read it for yourself?

XOXO

Lucy