Confessions of A True Wanderlust

This is going to be a very personal and difficult piece to string together... but here goes.

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My definition of wanderlust/travelling here means something more.

I love being in a new place. Seeing new opportunities and breathing new possibilities. The very act of immersing myself into the unknown excites me like no other. I've always had full-on enthusiasm for exploring something new; I eat, sleep and breathe fresh ideas all of the time. It's like I could pack a bag at this moment (if I could, yes) and just step out and explore.

When I'm feeling unproductive after a long period of time repeating the same routines, I would wear myself out. So, I move. I go to places, try new things - basically anything to make myself feel refreshed again.

But at the same time, this very thing that I enjoy doing does not help too. I stopped growing as a human being for some time. Let me tell you why.

Jack of (maybe) all trades, master of none

What I meant by being a wanderlust here is not just the ones spent on vacationing, but the very act of experiencing a new place/thing regularly. I do that a lot (or rather, used to). I love feeling my senses tingling when I try on aerial yoga, or going out of my way to feed the strays off the streets. Or holding the camera around town to film the next potential viral video. I have way too many things on my bucket list and I truly want to do them all.

The very act of me wanting to try so many things at once is not helpful. The adventurous side of me wants to try to be a hilarious YouTuber, a fantastic singer who plays the guitar really well, someone who can juggle between travel writing, taking courses from Udemy and going bungee jumping.

I want(ed) to try everything. There was a thirst in life that I could not comprehend, and I was always feeling so excited about it.

But the very truth is, I couldn't keep tabs on myself. There are only so much I could do in such a short period of time. And frankly, I have always been like this. Always wanting to try every single thing, but never really good in any particular thing. I am not really good in all of the said things. Or maybe it's an imposter syndrome that I think I have.

But come to think about it, I may actually have some skills in content writing, since I do have love and passion for it. And singing. And crafty things. Things that get my creative juices flowing. Things that get me excited about trying.

Okay. Maybe I do have some skills after all. I just need to put in more effort and practice. No one is born perfect anyways.

I love the unknown, but I didn’t know what it was, or how to reach it

As mentioned above, I love to try my hand in many sorts of things. I want to just create. Anything that can give me reason to make something happen. But there have been many instances where I’m being left at the short end of the stick, all because I couldn’t do what I wanted. The main thing here is family disapprovals.

Imagine being in your 20s where the world is literally your oyster, and you want to quench that thirst for life and try everything and anything that comes your way. Also imagine you are constantly being pulled back because it could mean you are “disobeying the family”, “don’t care less about the family” and “you’re big now and you don’t prioritise the family anymore”.

That steadily became something that hindered me from actually pursuing what I want to do in my life, because of all the experiences I never got the chance to have. I wanted to move, to explore, but all I could was just wander in my thoughts. I did not get to join the camps that my primary school had organised, the sleepovers that my friends had joined, and the outings and road trips with my closest friends until in recent years (which I find rather late...).

And being treated this way isn't something I despise, don't get me wrong. It's just the Asian parenting style. It's different. Though it definitely affects my self-esteem/self-worth/self-love/self in one way or another.

The invisible chain that wrapped around my ankles were too strong that my threshold of pain could not withstand. I slowly crawled into the dark tunnel of abyss. I wanted to break free. I needed to break free.

As a result, I stopped moving and growing

My creativity was soon spiralling downwards. It couldn't and wouldn't peak like it used to and I lost my sense of confidence. Eventually, I find myself lurking in the shadows of my own self, and at the same time, being very afraid of it. Things went bleak and I was unemployed for a long time. I wanted to create something but nothing comes out too. On top of that, constant murmurs from people around me thinking I am privileged to be sitting at home the whole day just add up to the stress and anxiety that I had. Yada yada.

They weren’t helpful at all.

Time stood still, but at times it passes by really quickly too. My heart beats as though it can jump out of my chest any time. And sometimes I feel numb too. I got so demotivated with all the things that once got me so excited and I felt no reason to continue living the life I’ve always had wanted. I was frail, and my mind wasn’t in the right place. I wanted to move again.

(Still) overcoming the painful journey

It has been several years since I first felt the prickles of it happening. It’s as though I wake up and the negativity in me switches off and brings me back to where I have since paused. I awake fresh and the air feels relaxed and comforting (not during Covid-19 of course). The things that I have been doing surprised my very own self too; I would head out for grocery shopping, have a nice and warm shower, explore bookstores and bring magic back into my creative endeavours.

I found the desire to get back firmly on my feet again.

But then, I would fall. And this repeats, to a point I am feeling so afraid if I ever got better. Yes, you read that right. I get afraid when I feel better because I know there's a likelihood of returning to negative territory.

I am hopeful though. There are times where I may forget what it means to move and explore with my body and senses, so when I do use them to navigate the way around me, it would feel new again. So, I vow to really take things one at a time. To one destination at a time.

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Regardless, I am grateful for the changes that has happened in shaping who I have become today. Although it repeats endlessly and keeps me on my toes all the time, it keeps me stronger, more resilient, and in a way, makes me grow all over again.

I don’t want to ever stop growing.

Thank you for reading.

May we continue to wander and find our paths, no matter how broken or unconventional they are.

Love,

Sookie

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