Confessions of a perfectionist

One of my biggest struggles in my public and personal sphere is being a perfectionist. My desire to be a flawless person in both my internal and external life means that on a day to do basis I set myself exceedingly high standards that I set out to achieve. Whether it's making sure that I get the highest grades on my papers, ticking off everything on my to do list or making sure that every dish in my cupboard is in the right place. Yes, my perfectionism is a motivating factor in achieving my goals, practicing self-improvement and in giving 150% into everything I do. It means that I'm a high achiever; a trait which has a massive downside at the best of times. I often find myself setting standards that are extremely high and often impossible to achieve. If I don't achieve these ideals then I become very self-critical about myself and my own self-worth. I become so overwhelmed with all of these stresses and my own demands of making sure that I'm this perfect being that I often end up over-thinking and procrastinating the task at hand due. My fear of failure of not doing enough often sends my brain spiralling down a few steep slope and I often find it difficult to find the calm after the storm.

This 'All or Nothing' thinking means that I will accept nothing less than perfection and take 'almost perfect' as a sign of failure. This was particularly evident when I was in school and received an A or A minus instead of an A+. And if got a B+ I wouldn't be able to look my teacher or my parents in the eye as I'd be so embarrassed about my grade. I certainly wouldn't tell my friends. I'd hone in on this 'B+ imperfection' and have trouble seeing anything else. It would haunt in my dreams and whenever I arrived at school, I'd be reminded again and again and again. I could never switch it off.

As a result of this mindset, low-self esteem is something I frequently resort to. Whilst I can identify my strengths in all spheres of my life, I find it a lot easier to identify my failures, my faults and my flaws. It's so much easier for me to focus on the broken bits of me, than the bits that bring me professional and personal success.

As as woman in her early twenties, I like to think that I have a better grasp on my perfectionism that teenage me. I like to think that I'm not as critical as myself but to be honest, I don't think that I have. Not at all. If anything, I think it's because more. One of my jobs is that I work as relief teacher-aide at a special school and they haven't called in me these past few days. This has sent me spiralling into the thoughts of: they've replaced me with someone better, I wasn't good enough, I should have done more etc which lead to me compiling a list of reasons as to why they haven't called me. Similarly, a few days ago I was at a rehearsal for a play I'm putting on in January, and of the actors couldn't get to the emotion that she needed in the scene. Whilst I knew that it wasn't my fault that she wasn't able to yell at me and I knew that I'd learnt all of my lines, united my script and done all of my character work, I still found a way to blame myself for the other actors' actions. Those might seem like two extreme examples, when in fact, they're pretty tame.

To try and combat this perfectionist mindset, I've created a series of virtual sticky notes that are up on my computer as I complete my post-grad assignments, to writing scripts, designing curriculums to even scrolling through my Facebook feed and seeing all these hourglass bodies that I know I'll never have. They are as follows:

1. Excellence is not the same as perfection

2. I'm more than my appearance

3. I don't have to do it all.

4. I am enough.

5. I’m doing my best and that’s all I can ask of myself.

6. I am worthy of love,

7. My worth isn’t based on my achievements

8. I choose to enjoy the process, not just focus on the outcome.

9. Excellence is not the same as perfection

10. It’s okay to say no and set boundaries

Whilst I don't have a solution to cure my perfectionism, the affirmations on these sticky notes serve as a constant reminder that I'm worth more than my imperfections and over time, I would like to think that I'll start believing it more.