Communication Tip: Write a Letter

Who else is not a fan of conflict and confrontation? Raise your hand!

My upbringing has made even simple communication a challenge at times. I thought all my communication issues were authority-related, but even in my loving partnership with my fiancé ("J"), I cry nearly every time I have something significant to talk to him about. I don't know if it's a fear of rejection - if I say what's on my mind, I'll be hated - or something else.

The worst part is, I'm someone who likes to practice big conversations - in front of the mirror, in the shower, just quietly to myself - and I'll practice almost all day, trying to get my words perfect. Then, the time comes for the conversation, and one of two things happen:

1) I chicken out entirely - I don't even ask "Can we talk?", I just bottle it and cry myself to sleep. (It's been awhile since I've done this actually - I've made some progress in the past couple of years!)

2) I cry while the conversation is happening. (... yeah, haven't progressed on this one yet.)

One of the things that's helped - an idea I had on my own, one that a counsellor validated for me - is to write a letter to J (or whoever). And no, this isn't the stereotypical write-an-angry-letter-and-never-send-it advice; this is a letter I carefully write out and give to J (or whoever).

Part of the reason I cry during the big conversations is because I get emotional talking about big things ... and when I get emotional, my brain seems to turn to mush, and the great speeches I practice go straight out the window. Writing down all of my thoughts helps me organize everything I want to say, and edit my word choices.

J is used to my letters by now - I write a lot, ranging from love letters to "Can we chat?", from to-do lists to reasons-I-love-you lists. The reason I'm here on Vocal is because I love to write.

The big conversation letters, for me, are a jumping off point - I don't expect a letter in return (although, if J decides to start, I would welcome it!). What happens is, I give him a letter and say "There's no rush to read this; whenever you have a moment is fine. Can we talk after though?" ... and he typically reads it within two minutes (I have yet to figure out why - he treats them all as urgent). Then, we chat; he asks me questions, or he'll comment on something I've written, and I elaborate as best as I can.

After the first few times I did this, I felt ashamed - why aren't I "normal" enough to have a "real" conversation with The Love of My Life? Honestly though, with my anxiety issues, if I can eliminate the amount of tears I shed in a week, I call it a win! As I said, the letters don't replace conversation, they're not one-sided, they're a jumping off point so that J (or whoever - although, come to think of it, I'm not sure if I've used this letter technique on many other people yet) is aware of my thoughts and feelings.

When we first moved in together, a lot of things changed at the same time, and I was having more anxiety attacks than I ever used to ... and, given that this was both of our first major relationships, J wasn't used to dealing with someone like me. He'd ask what was wrong, and I was far too emotional to respond (very frustrating for him, which I get). It took awhile before we got to the point where he actually expressed his frustration, and for me to explain to him that I COULD NOT express myself in those moments - I need time to calm down before I can go through everything that's wrong at the time.

The letters became a tool for me to use to calm myself down; they gave me a task to focus on besides my anxiety (even though I was writing about my anxiety), and they give J an explanation as to what I'm thinking and feeling, which means he's better able to help me through stuff.

Whatever your reason - whether you have anxiety, or you're not a fan of confrontation, or you just want to make sure you get your words right - try writing a letter next time, see what happens!