Combating My Discomfort With My Feminine Energy

Psychologist and psychiatrist Carl Jung is attributed to discovering that an individual’s human psyche is androgynous, consisting of masculine and feminine. However, gender-identified development of ego means that the masculine of a woman and the feminine in a man are unconscious and undifferentiated. As these elements are unconscious, they have two choices: identity with it or project outwards onto external objects

So, when I talk about masculine and feminine for this post, I’m talking about energy. I believe there has to be a balance of energy, masculine and feminine. Too much or too little of both causes us to be out of balance. Even though I identify as female with she/her pronouns, I feel that I have too many masculine attributes. I feel disconnected from my feminine side, and last week, my blood beat too close to the surface of my skin. I was constantly ready to go like a bull in a china shop.

This stemmed from a breakdown because of stress, overworking and overthinking. I was both a wounded feminine and wounded masculine. The week was becoming so long, my chest heaved in ragged breaths, my left shoulder remained at my ear. I was overly emotional, powerless and acted out with aggression and criticism.

Like most of us, I’m in desperate need of a holiday. To lay on a beach somewhere covered and regularly reapplying SPF 50+, with a book, an endless supply of cocktails, and zero mention of anything related to ‘work’. A partner to share the nights.

Reflecting, all I needed to do was communicate my feelings and better manage my time. However, over the last week, my body felt like a mountain. Each movement was too much effort for very little reward. When I tried to talk, I could hear myself, like a tyrant. So I shut my mouth because I knew that my words were hurting people. I was afraid to ask for help and be vulnerable, as though I would lose my crown of the invisible kingdom in my head.

At the end of the week, I spent some time reflecting on everything that had happened. I was listening to The Weeknd’s and Ariana Grande’s collaboration on the Save Your Tears remix. It clicked. Where their song was a perfect balance of masculine and feminine harmonies, I was out of balance.

It’s a great song for singing and revelations. I highly recommend it.

The next thing I had to do was figure out why this imbalance was occurring. I looked over the past week’s schedule and the activities that I had done. All masculine. Every single one. I worked more than 9 hours a day, leading, scheduling, organising, directing. For exercise, I went for 5k walks and did strength training.

There was never a moment for my feminine side to even appear, let alone have a major role in the day. No wonder the imbalance had reared its head!

But then, I had to figure out why I had let this happen. My responses were certainly wounded masculine responses, angry, critical, and controlling. In assessing those responses, I discovered why: fear of the unknown for the future with an uncertainty of finances and feeling uncomfortable feelings.

Fear of the unknown for the future with an uncertainty of finances is something that we can all relate to. I am so grateful for my blessings and the security I have had during this pandemic. Being able to exist in relative safety, have access to resources, and have the opportunity to work in areas of my choosing are incredible privileges. However, but, one moment please, the future is unknown because of economic, political, and climate instability. If these things fall or shift anymore for the worst, they will have huge impacts on every individual in the world. Especially those that live week-to-week with finances. So, I’m in a constant state of work, work, work, work, work. I’ve started and stopped every side hustle TikTok has promoted. My investments have sky-rocketed and tanked, just proving the instability of the future. The world is capitalism, not human.

Feeling uncomfortable feelings is something I’ll be learning for the rest of my life. I’ve been with my therapist for five years this year, and I’m yet to cry in a therapy session. Privately, on my own, hidden under the covers, I can cry and cry. But crying or being outwardly emotional is something that I can’t just stomach. I think I’m so used to being this strong, masculine, responsible person that the softer, feminine side of me is so uncomfortable being present because I don’t trust anyone to look after me. And, I think I’m scared of my feminine side because when I do embrace her, I cry.

The cycle, my god.

Now that I understand, I’ve outlined (and already started) a plan of action (healthy masculine). I already journal every morning before work, so I plan to keep that. It’s actually one of my favourite parts of my day. On days that I have to work more than 8 hours, I will meditate for five or so minutes. Instead of going on 5K walks, I’ll walk 4K and spend the remaining time doing yoga or having a little dance session. Outwardly, I’m wearing more colour, and feminine like dresses. Getting out of pants makes me feel vulnerable, but I’m finding that I like myself more when I pass a mirror. Finally, my creative expression apart from writing. When I watch my Real Housewives, I plan to colour either pictures I’ve drawn or pictures I’ve printed.*

Hopefully, as I balance these energies, I’ll be better able to be with healthy masculine and feminine energy. And if I find these things stop working, I’ll reassess.

*Note to self: buy one of those colouring books.