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Breaking The Glass Wall, part 4: Looking Out, Back, and Forward

A look outside my window, into my past, and toward a better future.

By Jaye Ruggiero-CashPublished 4 years ago 4 min read
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Out of all the places I could’ve been locked down in, I’m lucky enough to be in my own childhood home in Sussex County, NJ.

This is one of those parts of Jersey that show why it’s called the Garden State. We’re out here in the middle of the woods, surrounded by plenty of farmland. It’s quiet, it’s peaceful, and it’s very green, especially when spring first rolls around.

Our county’s slogan is, “People and nature together”. I honestly think it’s an understatement; every time we locals hear it we all roll our eyes and groan a little, and shake our heads because it’s so comically accurate.

The animals out here are comfortable around people. Sometimes a little too comfortable. And our next-door neighbor, “Dr. Dolittle”, takes it to a whole different extreme. He’s been feeding the deer in our neighborhood for the last 20+ years, which ends up attracting other animals like bears, skunks, and foxes to name a few.

It also gets hella dark out here at night. Like pitch black. You can’t even see your hand in front of your face, it gets so dark.

All this would probably terrify most people, but I don’t mind it at all.

Despite some of the weirdness out here, it’s been a pretty ideal place for social distancing. Neighbors are close, but not too close, so it’s easy to keep a distance. We’re all able to spend some time outdoors, go for walks, get some fresh air, and find some peace and quiet amid all this madness. It helps take away a lot of the stress and fear.

In a time like this, it’s nice to be in a familiar place with the people closest to me, where the noise of the pandemic is less and I can sit outside with my bare feet in the grass, soak up the sunshine, and just breathe.

The abundance of nature out here makes for a view outside my window that looks like it could be a painting, with all the trees, lush green, and animals roaming around. But my favorite part of it all is our cherry blossom trees.

This time of year, they’re in full bloom in all their pink fluffy glory. And when all the petals start falling off, it makes it look like the ground underneath is covered with fairy dust. It makes the whole yard feel so magical.

But this tree in particular holds a lot of significance.

Because it’s more than just a pretty tree. It’s a memoriam.

In 2001, I had a little brother named James that was stillborn. It’s not something I talk about often, but it was the most traumatic and life-altering thing I’ve ever been through. I don’t know how else to explain it; there just aren't words to describe that kind of loss.

So in the process of healing, my family planted this tree in his memory. And it’s helped us establish a sort of connection with James. I’ve always felt that connection ever since I was young, but over the years I’ve come to fully understand and appreciate it.

Anytime I see cherry blossoms, it’s a sign to me that he’s around, kinda like a much needed burst of color after a very dark, gray storm. And his tree is always in full bloom around the time of his birthday, May 21st. It serves as a sign that he lives on.

Looking at this tree still brings back those painful memories sometimes. But I look at this tree now and see almost 20 years of beauty, growth, strength, prosperity, and perseverance.

There were times in the first few years after we planted this tree that we weren’t sure if it was gonna make it. And it surprised us all and continues to surprise us all with how much it’s grown. It didn’t just survive, it thrived.

And it’s actually made it through a lot. In October 2012, right before Halloween, we had a freak snowstorm called Snowpocalypse hit us out of nowhere. One of the other trees in our yard literally broke in half from the weight of all the snow. And James’ tree looked like it was on the verge of collapsing too. But lo and behold, it didn’t budge, and bounced right back like nothing ever happened. And if that ain’t a sign, I don’t know what is.

So every time I look at this tree, I think to myself, “If this tree can prosper, so can I”. And I try to always carry that perspective through life, especially now.

healing
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About the Creator

Jaye Ruggiero-Cash

Writer | Poet | Musician | Actor | Model

Lover of all things arts & humanities

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"When we are shaped by the sounds and shades of truth, the colors never fade."

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