Being The Best Version of Myself

It all happened in the residence building where I was an RA. Thanks to my two years of learning intensive Chinese, I was placed in the hall with a mixture of Chinese exchange students and fellow Chinese language learners. At first I was excited about this. I thought I'd make plenty of new friends and get to improve my Chinese.

...Then I remembered that I'm introverted.

I practically avoided the exchange students whenever they passed by. I wouldn't even use the bathroom if I knew one of them was in there. The few moments that we did speak was always brief and in English (even when I saw them struggling a bit).

I know, I know, it's pathetic.

It was just that they knew that I knew Chinese and I was so afraid of looking stupid in front of them. What if I say something wrong? What if they don't understand me? I felt so trapped between my desire to befriend them and my distrust in my own skills. One day I was helping one of my residents with an assignment. He was a lanky freshmen named Leon. Although he had learned Chinese before in high school and had even gone to China, I still knew the language significantly more than him. As we were working on the assignment, one of the exchange students walks in the study lounge. Leon immediately switched to Chinese and started speaking with him. The exchange student, Smith, spoke back in English. Even though Smith replied, I thought it was a bit embarrassing that it wasn't even in Chinese. Was Leon not good enough for him to use his native tongue?

Then my worst fear suddenly became reality.

Leon said something incorrectly and Smith could not understand. Feeling the second hand embarrassment, I froze. I wanted to think of an excuse for us to leave right away and escape from this terrible situation. I knew it. We could never connect with them, especially not someone like Leon. As I was thinking this, I noticed that Leon had paused, smiled, then asked Smith how to say the word properly. Smith was delighted to tell him and the conversation went on.

It was really nothing, but Leon did something that I would never have even thought to do (I'd be too busy running away). He wasn't afraid of Smith and didn't let his mistakes get the best of him. Leon understood that people make mistakes, but those mistake don't make them any less than they are. It seems to me that Leon was more afraid of missing an opportunity to learn rather than fearing his lack of skill.

Even if its not a language, we've got to stop being so stuck inside our heads and take a leap for what we are passionate about. Since then, I have allowed myself to make mistakes, sometimes I fail but it never stops me from trying again. I may be introverted, but I don't let that stop me from doing what I want. I give myself room to grow and become the very best that I can be. It's odd how many times I go to this simple memory for inspiration.