Battling anxiety with confidence

When I say I battled anxiety with confidence I don’t mean that I had confidence while fighting with anxiety, I mean that confidence was my weapon. Full disclosure, none of this is scientific or has a positive track record outside of anyone else but myself, yet, if it can help even one other person I want to share.

To help you understand a little about me:

I’ve never had trouble being in front of people. Like performed in musical theater and danced on stage for nine years, then went on to major in communication in college where I took any and every public speaking class I could. Senior year I was elected president of my class and gave a speech at graduation. After college I worked in the strategic partnership department for a non-profit and my job was selling our program to people. So, when I say that I’ve never shied away from the spotlight, I’ve never shied away from the spotlight. Of course, there were moments of nerves, but nothing that would stop me from stepping in front of people.

Then covid.

The world isolated. I isolated. I haven’t stepped foot into an office in about two years (meaning my human interaction has declined by a significant amount). I haven’t had a job in over eighteen months and just don’t interact with people like I used to.

After my husband and I got covid, I found it difficult to go to the grocery store. Not from being tired, which I was all the time, it was more than that. I watched my heart rate skyrocket the moment I stepped inside the doors.

I was supposed to be baptized with my husband, but the moment I tried to get into my car I couldn’t. I started to dry heave. My stomach was clenching up, a wash of dizziness went from my head to my toes. I couldn’t move. I was sick to my stomach. The anxiety (which I didn’t realize at the time) had overtaken my body. I was able to make it to the church, holding a bucket in my lap in case I thew up, but the whole time I was sick to my stomach and could barely stand.

I tried to get together with a group of friends and I felt sick, lightheaded, and completely unable to focus on what we were talking about.

I was asked to sing for an event and before going on stage I thought I would take two steps and my body would lock up and I would be stuck there. I had to pace in the hallway for a few minutes until I forced myself to go on stage.

I left a restaurant before the waitress could even get through the specials because I thought I might pass out or throw up right there in the booth.

My life had become so dependent on this anxiety that I could not function. I was scared. What had happened to me? There was no traumatic event that I could talk to a therapist about, no precursor to what my body was going through.

Then an interview was scheduled.

I had not been to an in-person interview since before college, and I hadn’t been to an office since February of 2020. I really wanted the job and I told myself I would do it, but I was worried that anything and everything would go wrong.

Here’s how I battled my anxiety.

Full disclaimer: I do have a personal faith that helped me a lot, but we can’t talk about that here, but I wanted to make it clear, I don’t believe I did this on my own, but these concrete things did help me and I 100% believe they might help someone else.

1. Name it.

You have to name it. If you don’t call out anxiety for what it is then it will continue to have power over you, and it does not deserve to hold that kind of power. You are the one who commands your body, not it, not the weak pathetic feelings of anxiety that wash over you the moment you want to be yourself. Call it out for destroying your life. Call it out for taking the years of your life that it never deserved. Then when you’re ready, you tell it to get behind you every time you feel it strike.

2. What could go wrong, what can you control?

I did was I made a list of everything that I was scared of happening, anything that was making me fear the interview.

• I would pass out
• I would throw up
• I wouldn’t be able to get out of my car
• I would trip and make a fool of myself
• I would have an anxiety attack

Then I prepared myself for each one:

• I would pass out – I would make sure I drank enough water beforehand so I wasn’t dehydrated, but if I did, they would just call 911 and my husband would meet me at the hospital.
• I would throw up – I took some Dramamine so I didn’t feel sick, but if I did, they would just call 911 and my husband would meet me at the hospital.
• I wouldn’t be able to get out of my car – I would call them and tell them an emergency came up and I could either reschedule or we could do the interview over the phone.
• I would trip and make a fool of myself – don’t wear heels.
• I would have an anxiety attack – I always found myself getting more nervous when I could feel my heart rate increasing, so I took off my Fitbit (which tracks your heart rate) and I was less aware of it than I was before.

3. Have confidence in YOU.

Last, find your battle cry. Mine because “Woman (feat. The Dap-Kings Horns)” by Kesha. I’m sure there are others, better ones, out there, but that was the song I played on repeat for an hour as I got ready for the interview. It reminded me that I was a confident woman who could do anything I put my mind to. Find what makes you excited to step into the world. Build yourself a character of who you want to be, someone who controls the room the moment they step through the door. So long as that confidence has root in who you are, you can be a bit of someone else for the day. Remind yourself that you deserve to be in the room.

The moment I arrived at the office, I stepped out of my car WITHOUT hesitation. I was still nervous, but only that slight nervousness I got before the world shut itself away.

I learned something very important about my anxiety. It stemmed from a lack of confidence in myself. I was so worried that I wouldn’t do well on that interview that I forgot that I’m a badass who is confidently me. Because of covid, I had become so isolated and insecure in who I was that I forgot that the world won’t fall apart because I took a step into it.

Something might happen. I might get sick, or freeze up, or have an attack at the worst possible moment. But when I have confidence and know that I deserve to take up space in the room, that my words carry weight and need to be said, that I am a beautifully created woman (or man) who will have an impact on this world THAT is when I will overcome anxiety.

Because anxiety is just a physical reaction to the lies that you believe about yourself. The lies that say you aren’t worthy of existing as you are. You didn’t give it permission to tell you that you didn’t belong in the room. You didn’t give it permission to push you aside or treat you as insignificant. It doesn’t control you when you don’t let it.

Since the interview, I’ve still had anxiety attacks, but I’ve been able to come back swinging. The journey is long, the mountain steep, and the battle hard but I will conquer. Because I have a weapon that can stand against my enemy and that is confidence in myself.