Awakening Our Picasso Power

I am an adult. (Anyone, no matter their age, who's lived through 2020 and tried to comprehend its events thus far is by default 43 years old.)

I am thankful for family, a home, food, and life.

The confinement of this imploding house, the exploding people inside of it, the disappointment and dissatisfaction of our own cooking (...we gave up on the sourdough), and the compulsion to wake up everyday and contribute to the potential survival of a burning world by staying inside while the ones outside light the fires... are privileges.

As the world has a meltdown, as for the first time in a while, differences in social factors, ignored or not, can not separate you from the frustration of living through a pandemic, an economically detrimental and morally ill U.S. presidential term, and the humiliating and mandatory participation in an unjust, bigoted, environmentally poisonous social structure.

So, why, in my freshly amassed old age, do I feel the urge to throw a tantrum? When I was young I never really exploded like I wanted to. I would escape to faraway lands located only in literature, movies, dreams- this was how I gained control of my life and freedom to explore. Narnia is no longer quite as appealing as I now know the "freedom" I sought is much more elusive than an eighteenth birthday. No, I want back into the body with shaky, plump, creative hands and restless feet that believed in talking lions and righteous adventure. But I want to do it differently.

A reversion of sorts might be the best home made remedy for this little crisis.

"It took me four years to paint like Raphael, but a lifetime to paint like a child." - Pablo Picasso

A home made remedy needs an equally homemade cosign. I've chosen this quote as I believe it offers a couple of supporting insights:

1. Since the beginning of time, genius occurs in the form of anomaly; maybe that genius is a high IQ score, abnormal thinking, detachment from reality, supernatural creativity, et cetera. We can be sure that staying in our everyday form we are as likely to embody genius as to be struck by lightning indoors.

2. There is something magical about youth, and only understood after nearly disappearing into a fog of unreliable memory, but too thin and far away to recollect or recreate.

3. Doing things "like a child" is foreign to some of us, but worth putting effort into for the sake of exploring our personal capacity. An easy example of this is a "mature" child, often praised rather than encouraged to embrace their emotions. Just as time, growth happens in all directions.

Ok, so, back to my tantrum.

Sitting still, I feel each swell of panic and discomfort in my body, feel whatever inside of me is ready to rip off my clothes and explode into tears, whatever insane and inappropriate part of me that might be the a door back into the suppressed "bad behavior" of the mature child I used to be.

Much of the Quarantine 2020 advice I've gotten has been to distract myself from the world: find a new hobby, learn a language, get into shape, expand your capabilities as the person you are now! My work is going to be, instead, being all I wanted to be.

Here is my pledge:

1. I will not wake up before I am ready.
2. I will not police my own moods.
3. I will remain ignorant of the world around me.
4. I will be picky with my energy, my choices of entertainment, food, anything else.
5. I will refuse to be ignored, dismissed, or denied assistance.
6. I will say "No" without explanation.
7. I will let my body do whatever it wants: sit upside down, cartwheel, splits, dance, wear whatever it chooses, sing any song I can think of, make new art (word to Pablo), whatever.
8. I will feel and prioritize my emotions.

You can tell the kind of person I am based on this list and how it makes me tremble to commit to. Even in adulthood this is a pretty good list to improve my command of my own existence.

For anyone reading who identifies with this page long "I was always too composed and now it's a mask I can't remove" confession, I invite you to come on this journey to paint your life just like a child. For at least a week, let's see what we can uncover in ourselves.

May this release us from the rage of consciousness and burdens of understanding. May we find new colors.