As an independent and introverted perfectionist, I have always had trouble asking for help. In school, I avoided teachers’ office hours like the plague, not because I didn’t love my teachers, but because I was so afraid to ask for help. A lot of that was due to not wanting to be seen as a fraud. I so badly feared that by going to chat with a teacher outside of class, they would see how unprepared I truly felt. And a lot of the time I was underprepared.
I am a terribly self-sabotaging procrastinator; this behavior only increased the longer I was in school. I felt that by waiting until the last minute, I wouldn’t have to blame myself or my talents for a lack of finesse, rather I could blame it on the rush to get the project or paper or homework done. I convinced myself that I wouldn’t be held accountable, rather the rush would be responsible if the assignment turned out to be bad. But unfortunately for me in the long run, I often did well.
I got good grades, I was able to still know what was going on without actually having put that much effort into things. So I got lazy, and sometimes a bit cocky. I didn’t really study for tests, but I still did well. It was mostly due to the fact that I did really pay attention in class. I was very present, but I found it harder and harder to do my schoolwork at home.
So, things were done in a rush, I got good grades, but the imposter syndrome really took its toll on me. I didn’t want to expose my shallow knowledge of things. I was so afraid of a teacher asking more about what I thought of a certain reading or topic; since I had only done enough work to scrape by, I didn’t feel like I knew anything in depth. So I didn’t seek out mentorship.
I didn’t ask for help, and it really hurt me when it came time to my senior year of university. This was the time to put together my thesis. And I was so caught in between procrastination and fear or beyond found out to be a fraud that I didn’t ask for the help that I needed. I didn’t follow through with getting professional guidance from my professors. I fell behind in my work and now when I think of my thesis, I cringe. It isn’t the best work I could have done. It was a rushed job that passed, but it isn’t something I’m truly proud of.
So, now, even as a college graduate with 4 degrees and a Schreyer Honors Medal and a Fulbright certificate, I still feel like a fraud. And I have been keeping to myself and not seeking out opportunities because I fear asking for help. I fear that someone will find out my true nature, and I fear that my true nature is that I really am not very good at anything, especially anything pertaining to academia. So it’s hard. But, I think of how my time in Italy changed me, even just ever so slightly. I started to ask for help. Manu kept saying it to me “always ask for help!”, whether it be to go get groceries, or to network. And I was getting more comfortable with it.
Now, I do see myself seeking out mentorship and participating in things that normally would have frightened me to do. Like with this online tutoring, I have been participating in practice meetings and informative webinars. I find myself completing things just for myself, and not because of a deadline. I like this trend, and I hope to continue with it. I want to learn, to be mentored, and to ask for help.
Thanks for reading!
About the Creator
Renee
I live for unexpected experiences and good food! As a cultural-enthusiast and linguaphile, my studies and passions have taken me around the world. I teach English as a foreign language and I believe that language is beyond powerful.
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