Are You Really Happy? Maybe is Time to Reconsider the Company You Keep.

“You are the average of the five people with whom you spend the most time.” I found that quote in the book “What if It All Goes Right,” by my friend and teacher Mendhi Audlin. The first time I read it, I felt like crying. You see, much as I love my friends, I did not want to be them. One put a lot of pressure on herself to get married, and now was continually complaining about her husband, even though the guy is exactly the same man he was as a boyfriend. Another caught herself responding to a Facebook post with “men are shit,” and it hit her that she was single for a reason. A third one got a second DUI but refused to assume any responsibility about it, blaming an empty stomach and racist neighbors for the police pulling her over. Shit. Until that moment, I had been pretty assured about my friends because they are academically smart, highly educated women. And yet, none consider themselves happy.

At that moment in my life, I didn’t feel particularly happy either. But the thing was, I had no reason to be unhappy. In fact, I was not unhappy. I had just fallen into the habit of complaining about my life because everyone else around me was always complaining. My faulty logic was: if I do not offer my own complaints, I have nothing to talk about with my friends. Talk about a fallacy.

By the way, I searched the exact definition of fallacy: “a mistaken belief especially one based on an unsound argument.” The view I had of my life at that moment fit the definition of a fallacy to a T: I failed to see how happy I was because my daily conversations revolved about complaining. I realized that I even scratched my brain for conversation topics at some point, meaning I purposefully searched for things to complain about so I would have something to contribute to the conversation. Complaining is not even my go-to attitude. I allowed the perspectives of others to invade my space. Add to that the fact that 2020 was the year of the complaints, and it turns out I was not unhappy; I was just not being selective with my thoughts.

If the idea of refraining from socializing with some of your long-time friends seems too scary or rude, I have a new concept for you: Social Rest. I know, I never heard of that either.

I found about it in an interview of Dr. Saundra Dalton-Smith done for CNN by Terry Ward. In that interview, the Internal Medicine specialist shares her thoughts on restorative rest. She speaks about high-quality sleep, mental rest, sensory rest, and the thing that called my attention greatly, social rest.

According to the good doctor, social rest is not achieved by isolation. It is done by purposefully spending time around life-giving people instead of negatively pulling ones. This is not a judgment on how a person is good or bad or even a way to label your friends and loved ones as positive or negative. The point is to spend time with people who don’t need anything from you to will allow you to replenish and refresh. The tricky part is that people who do not demand from you tend to fly under your radar because they are not the loudest ones. Therefore you need to make time for them consciously.

To Dr. Dalton-Smith’s point, I would like to add that you’ll know that you found life-giving friends when after the interaction, you feel refreshed and relaxed, not tired, drained, or worse than when you started. In my experience, people who are expert complainers will not make it into your circle of life-giving friends. A complainer is a demanding person. They may not be complaining about you, but they are demanding your attention and agreement with their grievances.

Something I like to do when I’m not sure where I stand with a friend is to open the conversation with an acknowledgment of how great things are going in my life. This is an unusual move. Our society tends to chastise any public displays of self-love. Despite that conditioning, I have learned to be quite open with my self PDA. I talk about good things first and then leave the floor open for the other person.

Usually, it goes one of two ways: the first is they join in the acknowledgment of their own good stuff, and we have a merry time; the second one is, they counter with “good for you. On the other hand I,” and dive into a rant that they had prepared beforehand. In that case, I simply nod and smile. If you don’t give oxygen to the negativity, it dies down on its own. Afterward, they will contact you again if they want to feel happy. If they prefer to commiserate, you will be out of their speed dial.

And don’t worry about your friends feeling alone: misery loves company. It’s just that company doesn’t have to be you. In many cases, they will reach out again when they are ready to feel good.

If you would like to learn more about Mendhi Audlin and her positive people movement called the "Whatifuppers," check it out here (this is an affiliate link).

If you want to read the interview with Dr. Dalton-Smith, you can see it here

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