November 4, 2020
Can you believe we are already at the month of November? 2020 has come and gone like a flash, by the time you know it we will be celebrating New Years from the comfort of social distancing. Life in this year has been crazy, not only for me but I’m sure for everyone all around the world. This year we lost loved ones, feared for our lives, went into lockdown, witnessed historical events, and in America saw a nation divide. It feels like we all kind of mourned for loss and grew anxious together. Although we also tried to keep the positivity and shine the light on people that were doing amazing things and caring for others in tough times. Still here we are nearing the end of another year, alive.
For a while, mid-year, time did feel like it slowed down for a while. Those long Summer months I did not take for granted, considering I had no idea where I would be at the end of the year I made sure to cherish the time I had at home and with my family. Fast forward to now, time has seemed to be flying by. Who would have thought that at the end of such a crazy year I would actually land a job in a new city and move out? Things could have been so much worse for me at this point, but I have been nothing but grateful for all the blessings. I appreciate all the people that have been there for me through this time. With all the chaos that happened in the world I went through some dark times in myself. It’s crazy how now that I am an adult, things get I to me in a different way. I miss being more carefree about my approach to things mentally. I over analyze everything now. Is it because I have insane expectations of myself and an overwhelming sense of responsibility in all things that happen in my life?
I wish my mentality hadn’t changed from simple to over analytical. I used to process things so much easier, but I think things shifted for me when I began to realize I am my own support. Not that my family and my boyfriend don’t love me, but when it comes to mental health nobody can help you but yourself. I always considered myself strong in all aspects of life. Over the past couple of years though, life has broken me down a bit at a time. It is so hard to get yourself out if a hole when you have dug it so deep. Sometimes you begin to fill that same void with water and life starts to feel a bit like you’re just trying to stay afloat. I never chose consciously to be so negative with my outlook in life, but I didn’t realize I was giving into a weaker side of me until I realized it was becoming harder to stay positive. There is nothing wrong with being vulnerable. Not everyone in the world can be strong, and definitely not everyone stays strong every day. Although, I allowed these troubles to eat me up. I forgot how to love freely, and trust freely. Besides immediate family, everyone else is questionable.
As this year comes to a close, I hope to work on these issues. I want to learn to love myself and trust myself with the decisions I make 100%. My self-doubt has begun to swallow me whole. I want to be able to kick life in the balls and own it. But these things are understandable with the kind of year we’ve been having. All this heaviness in my mind and heart has just been a result of the world and what we are going through together. I am learning to rethink my thoughts and analyze reactions before they slip out. I am learning to control my anxieties and my self-doubt. I trust myself, not my thoughts, but my integrity as a person and my values. I will learn to take control of my mind; it will be a process, but I have faith in myself. I will become strong again, and like me I wish the same for you.
About the Creator
Melanie Guajardo
Just a 26 yr old with an active imagination & a lust for life. Follow me @melaniegyo on IG
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