An Ever-Present Friend

25 years is a long time to spend being uncertain.

I don't remember every detail about the first 7 or so years of my life, but self-doubt seems to be so linked to who I am that I can't imagine that I was much different when I was younger.

And after 25 whole years, chronic uncertainty continues to feel like some new part of my personality that I'm only just finding out about.

It's as if I'm in a perpetual game of hide and seek. As it relates to carrying out some task, my level of internal confidence can range from a 'Dunning-Kruger effect' type of readiness, to a completely disabling fear of failure.

Before agreeing to carry out some piece of work, my instinctual response is to try to find a way out. My first thought isn't to see whether I'm available, or to ask for more details, it's always "How can I avoid this?"

And it's here the challenge begins. On this hill of recoil is where I stand, taken aback by my evasive thoughts.

Because more often than not, I do the thing.

Then why this struggle? Why am I always grappling with wanting to say yes, when I'm probably going to say yes anyway?

I don't want to be comfortable trying to run away.

So, in pursuit of core honesty, I've decided to live slowly.

This loyal, faithful, steadfast, reliable apprehension can only come from haste. I know this because it comes after only hearing "Can you..?" or "Maybe I can..." It might be my own idea to do something, or it might be someone else asking, but as soon as an opportunity arises to do and to be and to create, the doubt is there. It doesn't come after planning, or after evaluating my skills and considering what else I'll need to be successful. It comes as soon as I know that I'll have to be seen and that I'll have to be vulnerable. That core honesty.

And I can only experience this core honesty if I live slowly - if I take the time to put my entire self into the thing that has to be done and to truly give myself the time and the space to genuinely prepare for it and to present it to the best of my ability.

The saying "fake it till you make it" will serve me well here because I know that as long as I continue to try living slowly, it'll eventually become apart of my mindset.

Eventually, my instinctual response won't be to run away.