ALONE

What can we learn from being alone? 

What are the possible benefits to human beings, social creatures that we are, from being kept apart? It might be a strange position to take, considering the year we've all had… but I hope to give you a fresh perspective in a 1000 words or less. 

Now, this article is not a negation of the universal truth that humans are better together than apart. We've all heard the phrase, 'Strength in numbers". We all understand the feeling of belonging, perhaps even the simple joy we have, when we are with a group of friends or family members. It's that very feeling of belonging and kinship that brings people to the doors of churches, to concert halls and sports arenas. It is innate in us to seek out human gatherings.

…But can we not enjoy these things equally in isolation? Not really, it’s as if the excitement is in the air, intangible but palpable nonetheless - I can attest that celebrating a goal by my favorite hockey team is far more enjoyable as part of a crowd of fellow fans than alone in my living room but maybe the truth of this comes from something else. Something deeper.

Is the crowd atmosphere how we gain a feeling of acceptance or even self-worth? Is that acceptance at such a high value in our lives that we reject the concept of being alone? 

Autophobia (or Monophobia) is the fear of being alone. Even in a place as safe and comfortable as our own homes, being alone can result in severe anxiety for some.

So, what do we fear most when it comes to being alone?

Loneliness? Fear of slipping in the shower with no one to come to our rescue? Or could it be that we struggle with isolation because we struggle to accept ourselves? Does that little voice in our heads become too loud when confined to our homes? The distraction of others is no longer there to hide behind and we’re left to monitor our own thoughts and feelings under the microscope. The struggle is real… but it can be a worthwhile one when approached from the right point of view.

The first thing most people say in regards to isolation is that they get bored - this is a self-defeating statement - it's as if they have already prepared themselves not to enjoy the time alone. Let's take it a step further, when was the last time you went for a walk and left your phone at home?

Did you feel it? That disconnection from the world? That slight panic of not being able to reach out or be reached by others? Perhaps you’ve heard the old thought experiment, ‘If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?’

Well, if you do something productive and no one is around to appreciate it, did you really do anything? This begs the question, who did you do it for?

A fascinating concept considering today’s social media, where self-worth is based on the validation given by friends or even strangers. I can admit that posting a picture or article online that gets more likes than the last garners a strange sort of satisfaction… but I have to ask myself if I would have been just as pleased without that sort of feedback.

Now, there are two ways we can look at this – the first way is that being alone is inherently a painful and therefore negative experience that should be avoided at all costs. The second way, and my own personal recommendation, is that it is an opportunity to listen and reflect, and by doing so, understand ourselves better.

But how do we go from the first to the second?

Sam Harris and Joe Rogan would advocate for meditation, this is a highly effective way of focusing oneself, clearing the mental debris and calming the mind. Once that is achieved we may be able to find something out about ourselves that isn’t derived from the feedback of others. The validation we seek from others may come from within… but maybe meditation is too advanced. You might say that it is the ultimate form of isolation; others might say that meditation and boredom are one and the same.

Another way we can accomplish this is by following our passions.

Ask yourself what you would do if you were the last person on earth? What activities would you engage in? Would you hit the gym and work on perfecting your body with no one left to admire it? Would you continue to study in your field knowing that it wouldn’t result in a higher paying job or the accolades of others?

The point I’m trying to make is that these things would have to be their own reward. In my own life, as a musician, I love playing music for others to enjoy but that is not why I play – I simply can’t go a day without it – to use a cliché, music feeds my soul and I know that I would continue to do it even if my ears were the only ones that could hear it.

Maybe yours is cooking, or poetry, but pursuing these passions can never be boring.

As the saying goes, absence makes the heart grow fonder. So, isolation can also reveals what is missing in our lives. Who amongst us has not realized how wonderful it is to come together after being apart, and how much more wonderful it will be when we can do it again unbridled by restrictions and fear.

The case for isolation is exemplified in what we do when we think no one is watching, what we do for ourselves (picture yourself dancing in your kitchen while the cookies bake). These moments are the trees that fall in the forest of our lives and only we can hear them.

So, listen and learn.