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Adulthood: My Story

Dealing with Life

By Kendall EarlPublished 5 years ago 7 min read
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Exactly a week after my high school graduation I was rolling back and forth on the couch while cartoons played on the television at three in the morning. My whole body was shaking and my heart was racing like I had been slurping on half a pot of coffee half an hour before. While whispering to myself "You screwed up. You screwed up. You screwed up." over and over under the catchy theme song, I was hyperventilating to the point that I wished I could pass out just so the thumping in my chest would stop. What exactly was causing me to cry hysterically and wish for the sweet relief of sudden death, you may ask? The fact that legally I counted as an adult while having no idea what I was doing with my life.

In the city I'm from, the schools had programs that would provide an education for students based on the subject you wanted to learn. There were programs for science, for the liberal arts, for medicine, and even for law. However, I had no inclination for art and would rather fall head first into a wolf pit than spend all day learning math. I ended up going to the Global Studies and world languages academy program. The program was about learning other cultures and languages. I loved it. I got to meet people from all around the world. I had the opportunity to learn more languages than most high schools ever could. I learned about cultures that my family didn't even know existed.

The best part, however, was that I got to be around the same set of people most of my high school time, since most teens would not be stupid enough to try and talk badly about people they would see on a daily basis for four years; I mostly avoided all of the nasty high school drama that came with being a teenager. However, being in the academy didn't mean that I got to skip over the insecurities and hardships that being a teenager came with.

During the beginning of my high school career I was a chipper young child with dreams of traveling the world. Each class I took continued to spark those dreams I had of traveling the world. At one point I remember deciding to try to be a translator for the United Nations. Just out of the blue I announced it to my parents, who loved the idea instantly. There were times when I wondered which country I would go to college in. Never mind staying in America! Not when there is a whole world to explore.

As I got older I fell into the pitfall of adolescence, the thing that could crush any bright young person's dreams—comparisons. Comparing yourself to others and wondering where you are meant to be at. There is no guide to achieving your goals or being an adult. I had no clue what I was doing and still don't. However, that didn't stop me from looking at every single classmate of mine and looking between us to see if I was okay. When I saw that I was not at the same level as what I thought I should be, that was when things went downhill.

During my senior year of high school I was an entire mess. My hair was usually not brushed, or worse case, matted. I wore the same outfit at least three times a week without washing it. I either slept for twelve hours a day or not at all. If I wasn't half way dead inside, I would almost feel guilty for the disappointed look in my teacher's eyes as my grades dropped down each week. I remember being in Japanese class with one of my favorite teachers and feeling hollow inside. Every time she would ask me a question my brain was on autopilot, giving out one word answers at best. At that point she wouldn't even bother trying to get me to participate anymore, which did allow me to stew in my pitiful existence but left a stinging feeling of knowing that she thought lesser of me for it. The only thing that kept me from falling asleep from class was writing my low quality poems.

I was growing up with classmates that were heading to Harvard and the University of William and Mary. There were kids in my class that had already written books and were planning their next ones. Meanwhile, I didn't even know what I planned to write for my paper due that week. My fellow classmates were prepping for college, going into the Peace Corps, or being world traveling business folk; then there was just me. Just a girl that was barely passing her classes with no goals or talents. There was a kid in my class that was bound to be the next candidate for President; meanwhile I couldn't even do a presentation without laughing for ten minutes straight. How in the world could I be a translator for the United Nations, when I was barely passing Spanish with a D-? I don't think they are looking for sub par translations over at the UN, not unless they are hoping for an scapegoat for an international incident.

One day in Spanish class, towards the end of the year, my teacher was addressing us and our hopeful futures we had laying before us. She spoke proudly to several of her favorite students as she saw them going into politics and acting. Her eyes were so kind and bright as she thought of what was to come for each of them. Even I felt my fatigue dissipate as she gushed over them. Yet, I noted that she didn't mention me. What did she see me doing with my life, I wondered. I asked my teacher, "What about me?" She stopped her giggling for a moment and thought. A minute later she smiled and said, "A nun." Really? A Nun? A you kidding me, lady? I laughed a little too harshly. I know since her smile dropped faster than my GPA that year. Still, can you really blame me? I was hoping for some kind of sign of what to do—anything really. Yet this is what she gives me. While I do understand that my personality might have fit well for the job, I don't exactly think I can make a living doing so. (Plus I'm not Catholic so there's that.)

That night, everyone was celebrating the places they would go. We were all getting our medals and things we would wear when we crossed the stage on graduation day. In front of all my classmates that were heading to Harvard and University of William and Mary, all my thing said was that I was headed to community college. I could feel my face burning from the embarrassment. While the night was full of memories for me, the main one I remembered was what my father said in the car on the way back. "You could have done so much more during your time there. You know that right?" Back then I didn't truly understand what he meant, only that I screwed up and blew another opportunity for myself.

It was a few days later that the realization was starting to hit me how far I had fallen. I was sitting in the kitchen with my mom, talking about how the others looked during graduation when she said, "It would have been so nice had you graduated with one of those golden ropes around your neck." Well dang, Mom. I don't think I can do that since I was a decimal mark away from being below a 2.0 GPA; thanks for bringing up another thing I could have done better though, real nice. Looking back, though, I can't blame her for not being very proud considering where I had been when I first started. I had dreams of being a world traveling super translator and was getting A after A in my classes. She was probably scratching her head every time she looked at me, wondering where she went wrong.

Finally, I reached about a week after graduation and the numb feeling dissipated to pure panic. Oh no. I just wasted all of high school with no clear plan of what I want to do in life. What was I thinking? What am I going to do with my life? How am I going to get into college? What do I do now? My tears were running down my face and my head was getting a migraine from the thought. My heart was racing with each memory of my failings, of every time I ended up disappointing myself. I brought this on myself. I could have done so much better with my life and now I can no longer goof off.

My head perked up. I needed to grow up. I'm no longer a kid and I can't just spend my nights watching cartoons on the couch. There is too much to do and too much at stake. I need to grow up and get myself together or I will regret it later. At that point I dried my face with my blanket. I stood up from the couch and took tentative steps back to my room so I didn't wake up my family. This was my life now so I had to live with it.

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About the Creator

Kendall Earl

I am a student at University that is majoring in English. I hope to be a novel writer and am trying to work on my writing skills. I hope you enjoy my work.

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