A Letter to My (Younger) Self
TRIGGER WARNING: There is a section on suicide, diet pills, etc. I will be going in-depth on how I was feeling during this time.
The only way to achieve the impossible, is to believe it's possible. - Alice Through the Looking Glass
I know things seem impossible to mend with Dad, but I promise that with time and effort to make things right, he will come through. I know you're struggling trying to find the "balance" of what's right and what you should do, but know that with every impulsive action, there are consequences. I miss how I used to be, the young and carefree self I once was, the friends from high school that I used to "hang" out with once I graduated. I miss the new friends I made that I knew had my back, but because of the move to Arizona, you will have a daughter you've always wanted and dreamed about growing up.
You will face many obstacles that will make you wonder if life is worth living, but trust me it's all worth it in the end. You will face a death of a former boyfriend after three weeks of breaking up. Don't think it's your fault and beat yourself up over it. This will take a VERY long time to heal from—it's the hardest thing you'll have to go through thus far and you don't take it very lightly. You will find yourself listening to the songs he used to listen to with you, smoke endless amounts of cigarettes to try and "numb" the pain, take so many diet pills, not eat, and cut off so many people who have always been there for you. This is not healthy at all, but this will continue to go on for six months. You need to be stronger than you've ever been and keep going despite all that's happened during this time. It will be extremely hard, but you can do it.
You will move around A LOT when you move to Arizona—don't let this get you down. You will find a stable place to live and be with a man who cares so much for you. You will fight a lot in the beginning because of his "baby mamma" but keep being persistent with him and he will listen.
After the second year with Joey, you will have a drive to be successful unlike anything before. You will build a platform on social media and be consistent. You don't have a whole lot of people following you, but you have enough to keep you wanting to do it. You will find yourself getting messages of people reaching out to you for advice on business and how you got to where you are, and being the person we've always been, we help them to get through their obstacles because you want to see other succeed, and you know how it felt when you were where they're at.
You will have a "falling out" with Mom because of the lies you always believed, will find out that she's still on drugs when you get to Arizona, be disappointed in her because she never keeps her promises. She will be in and out of jail and rehab. You will feel like there is no hope in her and stop talking to her on multiple occasions. You will eventually talk to her because she's on medication and see that as a huge change, considering she hasn't been on the medications she needs since Mom and Dad were together. She will want to see her granddaughter in her new rehab—you won't let her. You will build a boundary and tell her she needs to actually put in effort, have a stable place to live, and be off the drugs for good in order for her to see her. You finally put your foot down to her when it was extremely hard to do in the past. You will be very proud of yourself for this because you only want the best for your daughter and son.
You will notice a change in your son Aidan. He will do a lot of flickering of the eyes when he starts his new school. You will be persistent with Joey to make sure everything is okay. When you and Joey go to the appointment, you will find out that he has generalized epilepsy and has to take medication because of this. Joey will be very overwhelmed by the news because his uncle has very bad seizures—you will need to be the rock for the family and comfort him during this time. You will feel a sense of accomplishment because you had a feeling something was wrong and you acted on it as soon as possible. You will convince Joey to make an appointment for Aidan because he is scared to think his son could be like his uncle. He only wants the best for Aidan.
You will always get up after you fall, you will be your own best friend, you will have incredibly hard times, but you know it's all about how to deal with those situations. You know that nothing will ever be achieved if you sit around waiting. You will accomplish so much on your own. You have many good and bad times to look forward to because without the bad times, you will never appreciate the good.
Keep being you and the rest will fall into place. People who love and care for you will have your back and help you when you fall. Be appreciative of them.
Your Future Self,