A Letter to My Former Self

Sometimes I wish I could come back to you and see the world through your eyes again. It’s been a while. I missed when you went out more. When you socialized more, but I also hate you sometimes. You let time slip through your hands. You let people who lifted you up leave your life. You are responsible for the person who you are right now. Maybe this is just the next step to me becoming better than you? How can I tell myself that when I can honestly say those times were when you smiled genuinely? When you looked forward to tomorrow. When you actually had the perfect state of mind to create. When you were consistent with your work life and social life. Maybe I’m still that person, but I’m weighted down from our mistakes we’ve made, because I do feel that weight. It’s been every day for quite some time now. It’s like thousands of pounds shackled from my hands and feet. At first I felt like only society put them on, but as we got older, I know we were also to blame. Even though you had a better life than I. I know you wouldn’t be able to bear this weight. I’ve been carrying this for years now. Part of me believes one day I’ll be free of this and come out a better version of you. The other part feels I’m destined to carry this forever. I’ve made peace with that. I am a more realistic version of you. One that acknowledges that you need people, one that is always there for others. One that is okay with bearing the weight of other people’s problems. I guess my only problem with you was why didn’t you see this earlier? I guess it’s true when they say, “Youth is wasted on the young.” Your mistakes will just be something else I'd have to bear with. I’ll gladly pile it on with everything else. Maybe one day I can look at you and think to myself it wasn’t all your fault and all this time was worth it. I hope I can because you are a part of who I was. That’s a funny thing with time, isn’t it? You can hate people and their actions, but with time you can grow to forgive. I hope one day I’ll be able to see that day. I guess that's my biggest frustration with you. You didn't value the people you had. It was a gift you could've cherished just a little more. Instead you were only doing the bare minimum. Of course you had your reasons and I understand why you acted that way, but it was weak of you to use that as a crutch to treat the people around you the way you treated them. Your stubbornness prevented yourself from a lot of amazing things. I understand, though, I guess. Even though I hate you for having it easier than I do. I understand why you chose to live so carefree. I remember that pain you felt. I remember why you shut off so many people. Why you chose your vices over your art. I guess this is why I'm already on the road to becoming a better you. I'm more social, I'm more understanding of my surroundings, problems, and bad habits than you were. I'm still growing though. I wanna be mad at the world, but I know that won't get me nowhere. So I guess I told myself I'll be mad at you. It's funny maybe another version of us who thinks he's more mature will be writing a letter to me and I'll be sitting down listening to this. At the end of the day, I am what I am right now. Here's to what I will be.