5 Things That Happened When I Became an Optimist

For my entire life, I've always been a pessimist. I don't even mean a normal, run of the mill Debbie Downer. I'm that person who is anxious the moment I wake up in the morning, immediately wondering what bad thing will happen when I open my eyes. It got to the point that I wasn't so much being enveloped by a black cloud as I had become the black cloud. Worse yet, not only was I ruining my own life, I was effectively ruining the lives of everyone around me with my bad energy.

I was surprised when I started my journey to be a happier person. The effects on my mood, my relationships, and even my creativity were significant.

1. Life Started to Move Slower

So much of my life has been wasted worrying. Entire days have been focused on ruminating over not only problems in my current life, but problems that could happen in a day, a week, a year. Because I have always been so preoccupied and consumed by my own anxiety, I was never able to truly appreciate the present.

There's something to this mindfulness thing. When I'm able to quiet my mind, even temporarily, and really take in my surroundings, everything starts to feel like a movie montage. I'm able to see small things I'd missed before. I can enjoy trivialities like a good slice of pizza. And because time feels longer now, more stretched out and controllable, all of the problems that used to drain my soul suddenly seem so small and far away.

2. I'm Less Tired

There's actually science behind this one. Anxiety is super draining on your brain, kind of like if you were taking a final exam all day every day. The constant thoughts, the tensing, the anxiety attacks, the fidgeting and biting your nails. It all adds up to a lot of energy expended.

Anecdotally, it wasn't immediate and it's not like I don't need a nap every now and then, but there's an undercurrent of alertness that I didn't have before. A year ago, a stressful day could have me in bed for 18 hours. That doesn't happen anymore. A stressful day is just that - stressful. It's exhausting and hard but I feel like I have the power to get through it. There's no more giving up for exhaustion. I can stay awake now for an entire day, and not feel like I'm depriving myself of rest.

3. I'm More Patient

I've probably landed myself on a Reddit thread somewhere with my road rage. If you ask me, I can't even explain why I get so angry when people make mistakes or do anything that might even slightly inconvenience me. Even someone existing in the same space as me would be enough to send me into a meltdown. It doesn't really make sense.

Nowadays, most things don't bother me. I still get annoyed, but much less than before. There's a quiet calmness to having a happy little tune playing in my head all day. It's so much easier to see what's worth the fight, and what I should really just let go. If someone bumps me into me, no big deal. Store's a little crowded? No problem, we'll be quick. That person is in the aisle I want to be in? Meh. Someone cuts me off on the highway? Yeah, no, the road rage is still there.

4. I Started to Hate Drama

Okay, don't judge me but I had a ritual. Anytime I ate, I would pull up a few negativity-based subreddits and go to town. I would read the stories about cheating spouses, narcissistic parents, abusive lovers, and be complete, totally, unhealthily absorbed. I was so consumed, it started infiltrate my personal life. I suddenly was afraid to walk outside for fear of violence. I stopped trusting and communicating with my fiance because I was convinced he was a disrespectful misogynist. I started measuring my face like a dissection experiment trying to prove my attractiveness through math. (Yes, there are people using these measurements to get plastic surgery and yes, I wanted to be one of them.)

As my optimism increased, I was naturally drawn less to those types of posts. It was such a gradual progression, I didn't even realize I had been abstaining until months after I had stopped. There's no pleasure to be had in reading about the misery of others. I don't want to read about the worst things in the world, all conveniently packaged up for me in a pretty bow on my feed like a box of chocolates. And I sure as hell neither want nor deserve to have their misery, their prejudices, and their paranoia infect a life that could be full of love and peace.

Even internet fights in forum comments are too much for me these days. It's draining to read, exhausting to think about, and honestly really depressing to accept. There will always be bad shit out there but I don't need it in my bubble.

Oh, also. When you're addicted to negativity and only consume it when you're eating leads to a ton of weight gain. Seems obvious now, but live and learn.

5. My Hobbies Came Back

There's common theme among those with anxiety: we all tend to lose interest in everything. Between the constant rumination and trying to prevent made up disasters, I guess there's just no time or brainpower left for things like art, reading, or socializing.

This is the first I've written recreationally for probably about ten years. It was always "what's the point?" I guess that's sort of pessimism in a nutshell. When I look at everything through muddy glasses, nothing really seems worth doing. Things I loved and was working on mastering were tossed to the side and in some cases, even opposed. I have thrown away a lot of good (and expensive) things related to my hobbies over the years because I hated even the thought of them.

Funnily enough, the question has become "why not?" I don't worry anymore about wanting to do something. I don't worry about not being good enough, or if my hobbies are lame. I like to paint. I'm not very good. I do it anyway because it's fun. It's fulfilling and it makes me happy and that's enough.

Optimism is hard but it's been worth it. The changes that I've seen not only in me but across my entire life have been such a welcome surprise that I'm a little sad I didn't try sooner. I'm only detailing five positive changes that happened when I changed my mindset, and the effect they've had is astounding. It will be interesting to see where this new perspective lands me in the future.