45 and Fat…and Feeling Good

Birds flying high

You know how I feel

Sun in the sky

You know how I feel

Breeze driftin’ on by

You know how I feel

It’s a new dawn

It’s a new day

It’s a new life

For me

I’ve made the decision to become unstoppable.

For as long as I can remember, other people’s opinions have mattered to me. If I make the cut, I won’t have stage fright. If I pass this audition, I’ll have the confidence. If someone publishes me, I’ll be able to handle the negative critics. Always needing some kind of validation before I’ll truly believe that I deserve to be doing whatever it is that I’m doing.

It’s increased my anxiety, just flat out ruined hundreds of my days and made my life in middle school and high school absolutely excruciating. If this happens to you at all, you know what I’m talking about. There’s just a pit in your stomach all the time and even the biggest bullies aren’t a harsher critic of yours than you are.

Well, I did a little thinking. If I can ruin my days, can’t I enhance them, too? Can’t I build them up instead of tearing them down? I mean, influence is influence and I like to think I’m a smart person so wouldn’t it be smart if I started unfucking with myself? Go with me, here. It seems like, based on my trial years of trolling myself, that I can have a pretty heavy effect on my happiness. So—and hear me out, this is gonna sound cuh-razy—we’re gonna put that shall we say less than helpful attitude on pause for now, because I’ve recently decided that I was, in fact, enough.

Women’s clothier Torrid has just completed an open casting call to be featured in their holiday ad campaign and I decided to say “why the fuck not” and enter. It meant pulling out my curling iron, something I haven’t done in literal years, and putting on makeup. But beyond that, it meant putting aside all the negativity in my head and taking an actual chance on myself.

Why is this a big deal for me? Other than the aforementioned shitting on myself, I mean.

Well, I’m 45 and fat.

And yes, Torrid is a plus-size clothing store and therefore everyone who entered the open casting call will be, by someone’s definition, plus-sized but the competition isn’t my problem. I am.

Other people’s opinions plague me. They haunt me. They creep into my pores and clog up my mental health. I take them and run with them and use them to blackmail myself into not participating in life to the best of my ability.

I self-sabotage. I crack under pressure. I give up before I can fail.

The ways are varied but the outcome is always the same: I lose out on experiences. Because when it comes down to it, the fact that I ace myself out of potentially winning a competition or getting a part in something or just whatever isn’t the point. It’s that there are so many things that I actively want to attempt that I don’t. Or the things that I do go forward with, I keep myself from enjoying.

I’m too stuck inside my own head.

Part of the application process involved submitting five pictures along with a one-minute video. This, in and of itself, was challenging for me. Posing in front of other people makes me feel incredibly awkward. Anytime I’ve been involved in an acting exercise, it’s been the same situation.

I feel foolish. Silly. Like everyone can see through me.

And then, guess what? Startling non-revelation here: I get inside my own head and start to freak out. I get tripped up by my own thoughts and lose focus on the task at hand. Eventually, I get tired of feeling stupid and awkward and I just give up.

This time however, I put my bullshit aside and I did it anyway. Literally, I said “fuck it” and just went with it. I posed for pictures, tried to show my personality and did my best to enjoy the process. The weirdest thing? How comfortable I ended up being.

Is someone gonna break into my house and beg me to walk a runway? Doubtful but again, that’s not the point. I had fucking fun and when I went to bed that night I was proud of myself. I felt like a badass for taking a chance and like I had learned a little something about myself, too.

Another unexpected turn of events? The day after I submitted my application, I was miserable. Wait. That part wasn’t new. Whenever I take a big, mental step forward, afterwards I feel like trash. Truly. Like straight-up trash. Like a dumpster fire of dumpster fires. So that first part I was not surprised by but I felt only fair to mention.

What I was surprised by was the rest of the week. It was great. I got more done. I was more productive and my mental health on the whole was better. I was able to handle situations with less pull on my anxiety. Plus, I was able to move forward in several areas of my life. Areas that needed to see some growth.

You’d like an example? Well, of course you would. Examples are important in seeing the reality of how things are playing out.

The last time I had a haircut was June 20, 2019 and I can’t remember the last time I went to a salon by myself. It used to not be an issue at all. Make an appointment. Go to the salon. Whatever. I did have some anxiety surrounding small talk for so many hours but nothing that kept me from keeping up with my appearance.

Over the years that changed. It became gradually more difficult for me to take on situations by myself. I’d use friends or family as buffers, like human security blankets. And even then it would take me close to forever to get the nerve to get the ball rolling.

This week became different, though, and my hair is going to reap the benefits. I’ve got an appointment all set up, just a couple of weeks shy of my haircut’s two year anniversary. And I’ve picked a haircut that isn’t necessarily going to be high maintenance but is one that I’ll have to get touched up at appropriate intervals.

And I’m fucking excited about it.

I’m excited about taking a step into life again. Excited about rejoining the human race at a far more accessible comfort level. I want to enjoy being social again. I want to not be constantly worried about how others are going to see me. Always shying away from letting my guard down in case I fail to measure up. It’s a stressful way of forcing myself to exist.

Bottom line—I’m finally ready to not make life any harder for myself than it has to be and I’m ready to welcome the new adventures that await me.

Lastly, I’m not fooling myself into thinking this #TeamTorrid competition is going to be easy. After the initial round of competition, the panel of judges choose thirty finalists. Then *trumpets sound* the public gets a chance to vote. So yeah, just throwing myself out into traffic trying to dodge the cars on my inaugural escape from myself.

But I think I might be ready. There seems to be this little voice inside of me telling me that I should go for it. She says that whatever happens, I’ll be fine. She also thinks I’ll have fun and that sounds pretty reasonable to me.

I like that chick in my head. She seems smart. And I think she’s right. I think no matter what happens, I’m gonna be okay. Maybe even better than okay but let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

So yeah, I’ve made the decision to become unstoppable: to believe in myself enough to take chances and just not give a fuck about what people think of me. And I’m feeling pretty good about it.

It’s my Rebirth Day, bitches! Welcome to my party!

Dragonfly out in the sun, you know what I mean, don’t you know

Butterflies all havin’ fun, you know what I mean

Sleep in peace when day is done, that’s what I mean

And this old world is a new world

And a bold world

For me

For me

…

It’s a new dawn

It’s a new day

It’s a new life

It’s a new life

For me

And I’m feeling good…