3 Ass-Kickin' Things to Change

I keep telling my friends, my coworkers and my family:

"One day you are gonna pull in the parking lot and find me in a straight-up full out street fight with... myself."

I am going to kick my own ass if I don't stop harassing me.

I warn myself over and over. However, I just don't get it and I don't take me seriously. The beatdown is coming.

So one last warning:

Hey me, knock the shit off or I'm gonna kick my ass.

Specifically, let's work on the following behaviors and thought patterns.

Top 3 Self-sabotaging, Mood-Ruining, Relationship Screwing-Up Behaviors:

Number 1: Contempt before investigation.

This is a relatively common behavior among human beings. You hear this topic brought up in recovery meetings quite a bit. It's one of those things most aspire toward yet few can attain. Those who claim to "never do that type of thing" are either lying or they are lying.

Take note: In the previous sentence I just contempted before investigating. I'm going outside now to teach myself a lesson. I will be right back. I've had enough, I'm kicking my own ass....

Okay. That was refreshing. I was a tougher opponent than I thought I would be, but I think I know better now.

Contempt without investigation. Also known as making up your mind on someone or something without having any exposure to said person or thing.

For example, I have created an enemy in my head without even knowing the person, simply because I perceive they do not like me. I have made an enemy in my head of someone on Facebook even though I will never know them. Simply because they do not agree with me; or at least I perceive they don't agree with me.

Pause: I think we need to move away from the term "enemy"—I don't actually have enemies. Let's try: "negatively perceived human."

I have had the experience, more than once, where someone on my "negatively perceived human" list proved to be an ally. I have had the experience when a heartbreaking and troubling backstory for a negatively perceived human (NPH) was revealed to me. I immediately became concerned and compassionate.

The story we tell ourselves dictates the feelings and behaviors associated with any person or event. Is it nonfiction or a fiction?

FIX IT:

1) Daily journaling can help you identify patterns in your life that can help uncover the underlying stories you tell. Most of our thoughts are subconscious. We are designed to run on automatic pilot. Therefore, self-awareness is a very rare quality.

There is no right or wrong way to journal. No formula. However, I have a process that is effective. This model is especially useful in identifying "pain points" in my day to day system of existence.

1) Start with the positives. The positive psychology intervention—3 GOOD THINGS—is my favorite opening exercise. This exercise calls for you to write down three very specific "good things" that happened during the course of the day. It is not a gratitude list. Rather a detailed account of the good stuff. See this video for more information on "3 Good Things."

2) Use your calendar to reflect on the day: What meetings did you attend? Who was there? What project is incomplete? Try to remember the feelings and thoughts associated with frustrations that arose during the day. Think about family and friends, consciously checking in on the status of these relationships. Free-associate and just start writing. Do this for 5 minutes.

3) Go back and read the free-association: Typically the "pain point" will emerge. If you do this everyday for a week the pain point will most certainly emerge.

4) MOST IMPORTANT: Now reflect on this pain point. What is the story associated with this struggle? Where did you get your information and/or facts related to this issue? Do you even know this person? Have you ever talked to the "offender?" Have you ever discussed your concerns with the "offending person or the offending thing?"

Number 2: Saying yes when I want to say no. (FOMO)

Starting when I was a mid-level youngster (15) and continuing through my young adulthood (25), my life was run by the fear of missing out (FOMO). I was infamous for "never saying no to a party." I would leave the door open to every invite. I was vigorously pursuing a substance use disorder and I needed to keep my options open.

Where my social life was concerned, FOMO slowed down when I had children.

This personal FOMO was replaced by FOMO for my kids. Eventually, I got over that ridiculousness and started acting like a father rather than a business agent. My arbitrary social FOMO was gone.

However, it has been replaced by professional FOMO. A very specific sub-type of the FOMO disorder.

Here are the criteria for FOMO Disorder: Professional Type-Severe:

The individual must be experiencing five or more symptoms during the same 2-week period and at least one of the symptoms should be either:

1. finding yourself speaking regularly at recovery events in Corkville, North Dakota to a special geriatric recovery group called the I Have Fallen and I Can't Get Up Group for geriatric opioid reform or
2. repetitively forgetting which committee meeting you are in on any given day because you volunteered for 7 opioid summit task forces; 4 opioid task force summits; 5 committees for opioid reform; and 2 committees for reforming opioid committees.

Symptoms:

1. Moments of depersonalization and not knowing what city you are in or what day of the week it is. Caused by the mishmash of airplanes, Ubers, and hotel rooms.

2. Markedly diminished interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, activities most of the day, nearly every day, due to late night powerpoint reboots and endless train the trainer sessions.

3. Significant weight gain due to your diet of Zingers, RedBull, Kettle Chips-Jalepeno, and 17 day old airport sandwiches.

4. A visceral, post traumatic-like response, to the term "a person in long term recovery."

5. Fatigue. Always.

6. Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt nearly every day as you rethink every dumb-ass comment you made during each and every training you've ever done going back to 1996.

7. Diminished ability to say NO... to anything.

To receive a diagnosis of FOMO, these symptoms must cause the individual clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning. The symptoms must also not be a result of substance use or another medical condition.

Not much more I can say about this. No is a complete sentence.

FIX IT:

1) There is a practical aspect to curing FOMO disorder. You must find a way to put a barrier between the request and your response. If you answer the request impulsively or from a place of emotion you will most certainly over-commit. Therefore, no immediate responses to any request; personal or professional.

YOUR MANTRA BECOMES: "CAN I GET BACK TO YOU ON THAT?"

2) Develop your core functions or focus areas and use these to develop guidelines for saying YES. You can't opt out of every single opportunity. The key is getting involved in the right activities and spending your time wisely. You will need guidelines for professional "yes" and for personal "yes".

Professional: For example, my nonprofit operates in the drug and alcohol treatment/recovery space. It is natural for us to get involved in recovery rallies, treatment conferences, opioid summits etc...

Yet, we are strategically opening up a health coaching service line. That is a core focus over the next year. Therefore, anything related to healthcare, hospitals, and chronic disease management is open for consideration. These activities move the needle on a core focus. However, the normal "drug and alcohol conferences" may or may not move the needle? It's counter-intuitive, but maybe you stay away from your "normal" industry functions.

Personal: In my personal life, I am focusing on helping my kids readjust to the move back to South Carolina from Pennsylvania after a brutal 18 months of commuting. School, activities, sports and all the "stuff" that go along with this is a family focus over the next year. However, I need to drill down even further or I will over-commit in this area. As you know, this is the day and age of over-parenting. Free play and free-range kids are thing of the past. Parents become booking agents and chauffeurs rather than parents. Helicopter parenting and snowplowing parenting have become weird badges of honor. Parents vicariously living through their children grinds my gears.

Ask yourself: Where can I be most useful? For example, is it a good idea for me to commit to coaching a soccer team and spending the fall stressed out with an unmanageable schedule? Or would I be better off reserving my weekends for informal kid type outings. Less stress. More quality time. Let someone else manage the soccer team.

3) Identify the underlying thoughts and feelings that keep you from making good decisions about your time. Despite clear guidelines, you are likely to say "yes" when you want to say "no" from time to time. It is important to get in touch with the underlying process that contributes to bad decision making. For example, being guilty about working too much will make you over-commit to activities (where the kids are concerned). Imposter syndrome is a common phenomenon that contributes to over-commitments at work. Identify your vulnerabilities and confront these automatic thoughts with rational disputation.

Number 3: People Pleasing—Wanting to be liked.

People pleasing is another common term. Many people refer to themselves as a "people pleasers." I believe that everyone is a people pleaser to a certain extent. I also believe that, since human beings are social creatures, people pleasing is a necessary thing in society.

However, if you are preoccupied with being liked, admired, and praised you will find yourself engaging in self-defeating behaviors. Excessive external motivation is not good. It is also not sustainable.

The flip side of this coin is hypersensitivity to perceived insults. Small things become huge issues. Disagreement becomes dissent and every debate is an argument.

FIX IT:

The most important component to managing people pleasing behavior is the identification of specific people pleasing patterns. Say that 3 times fast!

Don't label yourself a "people pleaser." This implies you are people pleasing all the time and it is "who you are" rather than something you do. It's likely your pleasing falls into a few predictable buckets. You can then concentrate on those specific areas rather than focusing on some broad "people pleasing" character flaw (which really doesn't exist).

I have found that my people pleasing falls primarily into 2 categories:

a) People pleasing to manage a small number of personal relationships in my immediate family. I don't like to rock the boat. Growing up in a home beset by unpredictability and periods of domestic violence, I learned at a young age that conflict at home could become dangerous. Naturally, I carry this with me to this day. It will be something I work on for the rest of my life. I need to rock the boat.

b) In my professional life I will, occasionally, avoid direct conversations with colleagues and industry leaders because I don't want to offend. However, as time goes by I am unable to "stuff" my opinions and I tend to go off on rants. At the end of the day, people definitely know where I stand on any given issue. However, I'm not sure this is the most effective way to handle these situations. I need to risk not being liked and go ahead and bring up these concerns as they arise.

The key to unlocking your best life lies in an individualized plan of attack. Don't just follow the path laid out by experts. You need to focus on the areas that are most problematic in your life. Take the advice and information and create your own path.

Identify the areas that make you want to kick your own ass. Then begin the process of focused elimination of self-sabotaging, relationship screwing-up, mood-ruining behaviors!